Alcohol (2)

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”. The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?” The man replies,“My wife.”

A woman calls a clinic and says she hasn't been able to sleep because her dog snores too loudly. The doctor told her to tie a ribbon around his balls and he will shutup. The woman goes to her bedroom and sees her dog lieing on the floor snoring. She gets a red ribbon and ties it around his balls. The dog stops snoring. The woman goes to sleep. After a while, her husband comes home drunk. He lays in bed and falls fast asleep. He starts to snore loudly so the woman gets a blue ribbon and ties it around his balls. The next morning the woman gets up and goes to work. The man wakes up and sees the blue ribbon on his balls. Then he looks down at the dog and sees the red ribbon around his balls. The guy says to the dog, ''I don't know what we did last night, but we got first and second place!''

Fact: 80% of the human body is water. Or in my case, beer!

25 reasons to stop drinking:
1.) You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2.) You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3.) Job interfering with you're drinking.
4.) Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5.) Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6.) The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7.) Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8.) 24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case - coincidence?
9.) Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10.) You can focus better with one eye closed.
11.) The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12.) Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
13.) Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
14.) Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
15.) At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
16.) Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
17.) The whole bar says 'Hi' when you walk in.
18.) You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women
19.) Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
20.) Roseanne looks good.
21.) Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
22.) That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.
23.) Senator's Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
24.) "I'm as jober as a sudge."
25.) The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus." By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again - but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "You sure this is where he fell in?"

*  "Beer is not a good cocktail-party drink, especially in a home where you don't know where the bathroom is." - Billy Carter

* "Something has been said for sobriety but very little." - John Berryman

* "Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; The best of life is but intoxication: . . . " - Lord Byron

* "Dost thou think, because thou art virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and ale?" - William Shakespeare, Twelfth Night

* "One can drink too much, but one never drinks enough." - Gotthold Ephraim Lessing

* "Frankly, I was horrified by life, at what a man had to do simply in order to eat, sleep, and keep himself clothed. So I stayed in bed and drank. When you drank the world was still out there, but for the moment it didn't have you by the throat." - Charles Bukowski

* "Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough." - Mark Twain

* "Those that merely talk and never think,    That live in the wild anarchy of drink." - Ben Jonson

* "An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do." - Dylan Thomas

* "The first drink with water, the second without water, the third like water." - Spanish maxim

 * "We, the undersigned, recognizing the evils of drunkenness and resolved to check its alarming increase, with consequent poverty, misery and crime among our people, hereby solemnly pledge ourselves that we will not get drunk more than four times a year, viz., Fourth of July, Muster Day, Christmas Day, and Sheep-Sheering." - Massachusetts temperance societies, 1820, quoted in The Great Quotations, George Seldes, 1983

* " . . . drunks like to talk. We talked. We drank. We drank again." - Blaise Cendrars, on meeting Ernest Hemingway

* "You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." - Dean Martin

* "For art to exist, for any sort of aesthetic activity or perception to exist, a certain physiological precondition is indispensable: intoxication." Friedrich Nietzsche

* "The worse thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober." - William Butler Yeats

* "Good God, if our civilization were to sober up for a couple of days it'd die of remorse on the third . . . " - Malcolm Lowry, Under the Volcano

* "What I'm trying to say is, I'm not a drinker - I'm a drunk." - The Lost Weekend

* "My uncle was the town drunk-and we lived in Chicago." - George Gobel

* "All failures-neurotics, psychotics, criminals, drunkards, problem children, suicides, perverts, and prostitutes-are failures because they are lacking in social interest." - Alfred Adler, What Life Should Mean to You, 1931

* "Drink, and be mad, then; 'tis your country bids! Gloriously drunk, obey th' important call!" - William Cowper, The Task
* "Beware of the man who does not drink." - Proverb

* "After a month's sobriety my faculties became unbearably acute and I found myself unhealthily clairvoyant, having insights into places I'd as soon not journey to. Unlike some men, I had never drunk for boldness or charm or wit; I had used alcohol for precisely what it was, a depressant to check the mental exhilaration produced by extended sobriety." - Frederick Exley, A Fan's Notes

* "24 hours a day, 24 beers in a case . . . coincidence, I think not." - Chubba

* "She left and I got drunk for three days and three nights. When I sobered up I knew my job was gone." - Bukowski, Factotum

* "Drunkenness is the ruin of reason. It is premature old age. It is temporary death." - St. Basil

* "They talk of my drinking but never my thirst." - Scottish proverb

* "I believe, if we take habitual drunkards as a class, their heads and their hearts will bear an advantageous comparison with those of any other class. There seems ever to have been a proneness in the brilliant and warm-blooded to fall into this vice." - Abraham Lincoln, 1842

* "It provokes the desire but it take away the performance." - Shakespeare, Macbeth

* "If [alcohol] sloweth age, it strengtheneth youth, it helpeth digestion, it abandoneth melancholie, it relisheth the heart, it lighteneth the mind, it quickeneth the spirits, it keepeth and preserveth the head from whirling, the eyes from dazzling, the tongue from lisping, the mouth from snaffling, the teeth from chattering, and the throat from rattling; it keepeth the stomach from wambling, the heart from swelling, the hands from shivering, the sinews from shrinking, the veins from crumbling, the bones from aching, and the marrow from soaking." - Anonymous, 13th century, quoted in The Great Quotations, George Seldes, 1983

* "Now is the time for drinking, now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot." - Horace

* "There is nothing for a case of nerves like a case of beer." - Joan Goldstein

* "My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle." - Henny Youngman

* "A productive drunk is the bane of moralists." - Unknown

* "I was carrying a beautiful alcoholic conflagration around with me. The thing fed on its own heat and flamed the fiercer. There was no time, in all my waking time, that I didn't want a drink. I began to anticipate the completion of my daily thousand words by taking a drink when only five hundred words were written. It was not long until I prefaced the beginning of the thousand words with a drink." - Jack London

* "It's better to have beer in hand than gas in tank." - Anonymous

* "Drinking is a way of ending the day." - Ernest Hemingway

* "When men drink, then they are rich and successful and win lawsuits and are happy and help their friends. Quickly, bring me a beaker of wine, so that I may wet my mind and say something clever." - Aristophanes, Knights

* "Bourbon." - Tallulah Bankhead's last words

* "God looks after fools, drunkards and the United States." - Anonymous

* "Con pan y vino se anda el camio." [With bread and wine you can walk your road.] - Spanish proverb

* "Draft beer, not people!" - Sixties peace slogan

* "When I realized that what I had turned out to be was a lousy, two-bit pool hustler and drunk, I wasn't depressed at all. I was glad to have a profession." - Danny McGoorty

* "I drink to make other people interesting." - George Jean Nathan

* "Drunkenness is temporary suicide; the happiness that it brings is merely negative, a momentary cessation of unhappiness." - Lord Russell
* "Somebody left the cork out of my lunch." - W.C. Fields

* "Why don't we get drunk and screw?" - Jimmy Buffett

* "Almost to a man these dead geniuses spoke of themselves as heavy drinkers, as did I. Masterful, self-controlled, heavy drinkers. Not drunks, my God, no. At worst, and to make one's self-image truly and formally clear, the term might be 'functional alcoholic.' But even that terrible label has a soulful thrust to it, as if this drunk is completely in focus! If I can still think-just think-then I'm half-way sober and can catch those fleeting ingenuities that otherwise get by me . . . I too am an alcoholic and once sat with my number one, el supremo smile before my typewriter, toppling in place over my copy, a farsighted blur pasted to my eyeballs. I patiently uncurled the English tongue to make it speak plain but it kept tying itself into gorgeous knots I couldn't make sense of. And if the knot had a hard glow, like sunlight on snow, then I didn't care about sense. This light overrode sense, or the need for it. Light is all. This, I'd assure myself with a thankful glance toward heaven, this is the best prose I've ever written." - Donald Newlove, Those Drinking Days: Myself and Other Writers

* "I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy." - Tom Waits

* "I'm tired, I've been drinking since nine o'clock, my wife is vomiting, there's been a lot of screaming going on around here!"
      -Nick, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, 1966

* "Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son." -Dean Wormer, Animal House, 1978

* "Beer's like . . . fuckin' great, ya know?" -O.T., Spring Break, 1983

* "Didn't you ever get really shitfaced and maybe make a complete fool of yourself and still have an excellent time?" -Gib, The Sure Thing, 1985

* "It takes a special talent to be a drunk. It takes endurance. Endurance is more important than truth." -Henry, Barfly, 1987

* "I come from six generations of seamen all with the same goal in life: catch fish, sell 'em, get drunk and get laid." -Capt. Greybar, Cabin Boy, 1994

* "Here's 50 bucks, take this in case I get drunk and call you a bitch later." -Ricky, Made, 2001

* "I'm going to go on an overnight drunk, and in 10 days I'm going to set out to find the shark that ate my friend and destroy it."
      -Steve Zissou, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, 2004

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The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs. 'Do you realize what time it is," she said. He answered, "don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house." Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?" His answer was, "A round of drinks!"

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The more you drink, the WC

BEER TEST:

For the true and discriminating aficionado, a glass of the finest beer should only be partaken if it is the correct temperature. The subtle nuance of the melded grains..... the fragile and fleeting taste of the brewers art..... can only be truly appreciated if that golden elixir is properly chilled. To this end, advanced studies candidates in the Graduate Engineering Department of The Ohio State University have developed an easy to use, fully portable Beer Temperature Tester, which very accurately determines whether the beverage is acceptably chilled or not.

To test the beer, simply insert the tester into the glass (see below):

After the tester has been immersed for a period of not less than fifteen seconds, remove probes and observe.

The beer on the left is the correct temperature.

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Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams.  If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."

Did you know THIS about Vodka?

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves adhesive.

2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.

3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.

5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry.

6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.

8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.

9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziplock freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.

10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.

11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.

13. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the oil from your skin.

15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

16. NEVER DRINK THE STUFF - IT'LL KILL YOU!!

Proof that Vodka is good for your brain:

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA
scientists spent a decade and $12 million developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300C. When confronted with the same problem, the Russians used a pencil.

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The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

The Beer Prayer:

Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hollowed be thy drink. I will be drunk, At home as in the travern. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not into incarceration, But deliver us from hangerovers. For thine is the beer. he bitter and The lager Forever and ever, Barmen.

Two guys were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface. After floating under a blazing heat for six days, they ran out of food and water. On the tenth day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp. They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, "Okay, I've been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now guys, and, quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only get one wish and then I'm outta here... so make it a good one." The first guy blurted out, without thinking, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!" "Fine," said the genie, and the entire ocean to beer was instantly turned into beer. "Great move, Einstein," said the second guy, slapping the first guy on the side of the head. "Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat."

Alcohol Consumption -- FDA Warnings...

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer Brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers: 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot. 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without  spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees. 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

ALERT!- Male Date Rape Drug- !ALERT!

PLEASE READ THIS, IT'S IMPORTANT NEWS TO ALL MEN THAT GO TO CLUBS  / BARS AND DRINK.

Attention!

All Men should be alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a female. All women out there should forward this message to their male friends. And  FSP's, take heed. There is a new drug on the scene called beer. The drug is essentially a liquid beverage, that unsuspecting males ingest, in various quantities. The drug is primarily being used by "Female Sexual Predators", or FSP's, at parties and bars to convince the FSP's male victims to have sex with them. One shocking statistic is that beer is currently available virtually anywhere! All an FSP has to do is buy a beer or two for almost any male and simply ask the person to go home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks.

25 reasons why alcohol should be served at work:

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time because you have the hangover after work instead of before.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with his or her ideas.
18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked. (Depending of course on the boss).
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

You will feel a lot better after reading this report:

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The 1st worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The 2nd worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The 3rd worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The 4th worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.

The Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms!

I'm not drunk!

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else... After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it,  with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get. I'm not drunk you shilly sit!