English Jokes(1)

President George Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the classes (4th grade I believe). They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy." No," says Bush, "that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone! involved, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That'swhat we would call a GREAT LOSS." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss."

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!" The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big mega- department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."  His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked. The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, $101,237.64." The boss says, $101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?" The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot -- you might as well go fishing."

Two golfers are at the first tee. The first golfer said. "Hey, guess what?! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The second golfer replies, "Great trade!"

A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. She went home and put it on, then showed her mother how she looked in it. "What do you think mom?" Her mother replied, "I think that if I had worn that when I was your age, you'd be five years older!"

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair. I made love to two 21 year old girls. Both of them. Twice." The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm not religious." "So then, why are you telling me?" "Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody!"

"When my son Jeromy was 4-years old, he loved to watch me fix things. One day I was very involved in cleaning out the vacuum cleaner and changing the drive belt. He helped and we had a good time. Later that evening as my wife and I were watching TV, Jeromy came out of the kitchen with all my tools. He then went down the hall and fetched the vacuum. We asked him what he was doing. He replied, 'Fixing the vacuum.' I then asked, 'Is it broke?' He replied very sincerely, 'Not Yet.'"

"I was getting ready for my part time job. I put on my huge, pink maternity dress, a little lipstick, and curled my waist length, blonde hair. I was ready. I began to lumber my way downstairs when I noticed my youngest at the bottom, staring up at me with adoring eyes. 'Oh, Mommy!' she said, 'You look so beautiful! You look just like Miss Piggy!'"

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry. A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?" The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal. Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again! The man was astonished.He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

What is the difference between outlaws and in-laws? Outlaws are wanted.

When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped that stuff after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Why do surgeons wear facemasks? So if they make a mistake, no one will know who did it!

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on.

A guy walks into the confessional of his local church, knocks on the window and a voice from behind it says "Please my son, take a seat and tell me all...". The man begins "Well vicar, I was walking down the street yesterday and two beautiful Blonde twin sisters walk past, just as they approach they both turn to me and tell me they need a man for the day to fill there every desire and whim.... one minute later we are back at their house and spend the day doing what comes natural in every way possible known to man.... hour after hour of mad rampant sex", So the vicar takes this as his point to interrupt "Ah my son i see your problem you feel guilt to have taken advantage of Gods great gift of creation and love", "hang on" the man says "Problem?, I dont have a problem with it!", "well why ", the vicar says "are you telling me then", So the man says "Well i'm telling everyone, wouldn't you???"

The beautiful eighteen-year-old girl sobbed hysterically at the funeral service of her seventy-five-year-old husband. She confided in a friend, "We had such a happy marriage for the three months it lasted.  Every Sunday morning he would make love to me, keeping time with the rhythm of the church bells." She sobbed again, then added, "If that fire engine hadn't clanged by, he'd be alive today."

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building.  Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?" The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus.  It'll take you right there."  She thanked the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?" The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Irishman and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot." "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that." Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a faggot and he didn't care!" "You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn." The second Englishman walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder. "I hear your St Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" "Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you." Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right, he is unshakable!" The third Englishman said "No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch." The Englishman walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said..."I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!" "Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

A motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign.  "May I see your driver's license and registration please." "What's the problem, officer?" "You just ran that stop sign back there." "Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me." "Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution." "You gotta be kidding me!" "It's no joke, sir." "Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution." "That's beside the point, sir.  You are supposed come to a complete stop, and you didn't.  Now if I may see your license and" "You've got a lot of time on your hands, pal.  What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?" "Sir, I'll overlook that last comment.  Let me see your license and registration immediately." "I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop." The policeman had enough.  "Sir, I can do better than that."  He opened the car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick. "Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.  After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?" After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch. Afterwards, the talk got around to   their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life. Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found. "He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!" Marcy said, "He said 'will you marry me'?"     Heather said, "No, he said 'put your money away!'

A modest man is in the hospital for a series of tests. One of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put. He then filled his bed with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possibly face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing, and swinging his arms wildly which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked "What the hell was that all about?" Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"

"Mom, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?" "No, dear, because the dog is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and asks, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat." The father thought it over for a moment and then agreed. But first, he took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear end with it. "Okay, dear, you can take Susie for a walk now but be sure to keep her on the leash." Some time later, the little girl returned with no dog on the leash. "Where's Susie?" asked the father. "Well, Susie ran out of gas halfway around the block and there's another dog pushing her home."

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve.

There were three babies in a womb and they were discussing what they would like to be when birthed and grown up. The first said, "I want to be a plumber."  The others laughed and asked, "Why a plumber?". He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here it's kind of leaky". The second one said, "I want to be an electrician." The others laughed and asked, "Why an electrician?" He replied, "So I can get some lights in here, it's dark". The third one said, "I want to be a boxer". The others laughed hysterically for a good five minutes and then asked, "Why in heaven's name would you want to be a boxer?" He replied, "So I can beat the hell out of the bald head guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.  He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Now what?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane and as such have gone for a holiday back to the place where they first met. While sitting at a cafe the little old man says, "You remember the first time I met you over fifty years ago?  We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works and I gave you one from behind."  "Why, yes, I remember it well dear" replies the little old lady with a grin. "Well, for old time's sake, lets go there again and I'll give you one from behind." The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe.  A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it.  He gets up and follows the pensioners. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works.  The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.  The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips.  The little old lady then reaches for the fence.  Well, what follows is forty minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen.  The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal.  Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour. Well, the man is stunned.  Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this, not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.  Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret.  If only I could shag like that now, let alone in fifty years time!" The two have by this time recovered and dressed themselves.  Plucking up courage the man approaches the pensioner.  He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age.  What's your secret, could you shag like that fifty years ago?" The pensioner replies, "Son, fifty years ago that fence wasn't electrified."

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his chauffeur, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics. Then one day the chauffeur approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening's lecture. The philosopher agreed and, for a while, the chauffeur handled himself remarkably well. When it came time for questions from the guests, a woman in the back asked, "Is the epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist world?" "That is an extremely simple question," he responded. "So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what he will do."

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked him. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novocain because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. "What did you do that for?" the man asks. "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?" The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this." Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get." Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving a glass of white wine. "I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine, then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face. The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he sputtered. "On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good." "But you threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed. "Yes," the man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."

A man and his wife are awoken at 3 o'clock in the morning by a knock on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger is asking for a push. "Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He closes the door and returns to bed. "Who was it?" asks his wife. "Just a stranger asking for a push" he answers. "Did you help him? she asks. "No I didn't -- it's three in the morning" "Well you've got a short memory" says his wife, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us?. I think you should help him." The man does as he is told and returns to the front door and calls out into the dark "Hello -- are you still there?" "Yes", comes the answer. "Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband "Over here on the swing" the man replies.

HR Manager to job candidate: "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel manager's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the manager asked. "When you applied for the job, you told us you had 5 years' experience. Now we discover this is the first job you've ever had." "Well," the young man said, "in your ad you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

"Where did you receive your training?" "Yale." "Good, and what's your name?" "Yim Yohnson."

During the Great Depression, there was this man who walked into a bar one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks". The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first". The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can't beleive what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?", asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler", replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?". "Well, I only bet on sure things" said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender. "Well, for example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye." The bartender thought about it. "OK". So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. "Aw, you screwed me", said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye" said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet". So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again". "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in leiu of the $50", said the man. With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and pee into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop". The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "OK, you're on". The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began peeing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle. The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me $500!". The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's OK. I just bet each of the guys in the card room $1000 each that I could pee all over you AND the bar and still make you laugh!"

Consumer Labels: In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed by stupidity, here are some actual label instructions found on consumer goods: On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special.) On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. On a Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's just a suggestion.) On Tesco's tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down. On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?" "11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow." The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

On Clinton's last trip to Hawaii, he went swimming at Waikiki Beach. He got caught in a riptide and was been pulled out to sea. Three young surfers swam out to him and brought him to shore. He wanted to reward them, and asked what they would like. The first said he wanted to be a fighter pilot, and Clinton said he would get him an appointment to the A.F. Academy. The second one said he wanted to command a submarine. "Fine, I'll get you into the Naval Academy." The third said he wanted to be buried at Arlington. Clinton looked puzzled and asked why such a young person was concerned about where he would be buried. "Because", said the surfer, "my father is a Vietnam Veteran, and when I go home and tell him I saved your life, he's going to kill me."

With the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly illuminated. "Who turned on the fucking lights?" a male passenger, who had been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess. The girl had had enough of this particular character."These are the breakfast lights, sir," she answered with forced sweetness. "The fucking lights are much dimmer, and you snored right through them."

A man dines at a restaurant, when he asks the waiter: "Is there a place here where I can shit?" The waiter frowns and says irritated: "Sure, on the end of the hall there's a door labeled "gentlemen". Don't mind that sign and just go on in..."

A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. The attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring "Well, it looks like plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers,adding,"But it feels like rubber." Curious, the lawyer asked, "What do you have there mister?" The drunk stammered,"Damn if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber." The lawyer said,"Let me take a look." And the drunk handed it over. The attorney rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?" The drunk replied, "Outa my nose."

A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road. As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk. "Kiss me and I will turn into a princess." The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket. The frog starts shouting, "Hey! Didn't you hear me? I'm a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours." The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back. The frog is really frustrated. "I don't get it. Why won't you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask." The guy says, "Look, I'm a computer freak. I don't have time for girls. But a talking frog, that's cool!"

A mother had three daughters and at their weddings she asked each one of them to phone home the day after and subtly indicate about their respective husband's sexual performance. The first one said, "It was like Maxwell Coffee". The Mother was confused until she later noticed a Maxwell Coffee ad which said: "SATISFACTION TO THE LAST DROP..." Then the second daughter got married and phoned home and whispered, "Rothmans". So the Mother looks for a Rothmans ad, and it said, "LIVE LIFE, KING SIZE". And the mother was pleased. Then it was the third one's wedding. After a week she phoned but could only mumble, "BRITISH AIRWAYS". The mother frantically went through the newspaper looking for a British Airways ad. "Oh-my-god!" she cried. "FOUR TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS".

Q: How do you know you're girlfriend have given you a good blowjob? A: You have to burp her to get your balls back!

A telephone rang, and someone picked it up. A voice from the other side said, "Is your number 444 444 44?"  "Yes," came the reply. "Could you call 911? My finger is stuck on the phone."

Two bowling teams charter a double-decker bus; they're going to Atlantic City for the weekend. One team is in the bottom of the bus, and the other team is in the top of the bus. The team down below is whooping it up when one of them realizes he doesn't hear anything from the top. He walks up the stairs, and here are all the guys from the second team clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles, scared to death. He says, "What the heck's goin' on? We're down here havin' a grand old time." One of the guys from the second team says, "Yeah, but you guys've got a driver."

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too cold, then he asked that it be turned down because he was too hot, and so it went for about a half an hour.  Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient. He walked back and forth and never once got angry. Finally, a second customer asked the waiter why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh, I don't care," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: "Think!" The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign, and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "Thoap!"

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out and suck them dry."

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.' He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.' The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read... 'MAIN ENTRANCE'

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

This married couple is on holiday in Pakistan. They're touring around the market place looking at the goods and such, when they pass this small sandal shop. From inside they hear a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say "I welcome you, foreigners! Come in, come in to my humble shop. So the married couple walks in. The Pakistani man says to them "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." The wife after hearing this is really interested in buying the sandals, but her husband feels he really doesn't need them, being the sex god that he is. So the husband says to the Pakistani, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani replies "Just try them on." The husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally concedes to try them on. As he does, he gets this wild look in his eyes, something his wife has not seen in many years; raw sexual power. In a blink of the eye, the husband rushes the Pakistani man, throws him on a table and starts tearing at the guys pants. All the time the Pakistani man is screaming "Stop, stop! You've got them on the wrong feet!"

Man, to dentist: "No fancy stuff, Doctor, no gas or needles or any of that stuff.  Just pull the tooth and get it over with." Dentist: "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you. Which tooth is it?" Man: "Show him, honey."

One fine morning the milkman arrives at the house of family Jones. Mrs. Jones a beautiful blonde opens the door, and asks him to come inside. She invites him in the kitchen, where a huge and very good breakfast is prepared for him. He sits down and very much enjoys all the excellent food. When he is finished she asks him to come upstairs, and the milkman certainly has a good time! When they dress and go downstairs, she gives him a 5 dollar bill. Now the milkman is really surprised, and asks what the 5 dollars are for. She replies, "Well, yesterday I told my husband that it was your birthday today, and he said, "So what, FUCK the milkman, give him 5 bucks." But the breakfast was entirely my idea!"

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blond employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are, very slowly?" The blond girl leaned over the counter and said, "BurrrrrrrrgerrrrrrrKiiiiing."

After a tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said, "Miss, would y'all give me a piece of ass?" "Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she smiled and added, "Sure, why not? It's pretty slow here right now, so let's go!" When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else?" "Yes," replied the tourist. "Where ah come from in Alabama, we lack our bourbon 'n watuh cold, so ah still need a piece uh ass (ice) for mah drink."

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. The man tells her it will be $300. She exclaims, "I don't have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!" To that the man asks, "Anything??" And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!!" With that, the man says, "Follow me." He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does. He then says, "Get on your knees." She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does. He then says, "Go ahead, take it out." With that she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands. The man then says, "Well, go ahead!" She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says, "Hello...Mom?"

To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade". But the young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a homecooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his johnson immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.  Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two are, I figured I'd better run too!"

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me . . ."

Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is called Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" And I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!" Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order.  Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanour seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft.  There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs. "Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?" The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?" "There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

Four guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professional careers and lifestyles. The first guy says, "I'm a YUP ...you know... Young, Urban, Professional." The second guy says, "I'm a DINK ... you know... Double Income, No Kids." The third guy says, "I'm a RUB ...you know... Rich, Urban, Biker." The fourth guy says, "I'm a DWIK ... you know... Divorced, With Kids." They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?" She replies... "I'm a WIFE ...you know... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards." "Just last week I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!" The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!" Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

A nickle ain't worth a dime anymore!

Always go to other peoples funerals, otherwise they won't go to yours!

Never answer an anonymous letter!

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an     impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the  Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started :Ladies and Gentlemen". On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.  When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen". On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he  explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great   pleasure..."

There is an archipelago of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman, 2 French men and 1 French woman, 2 German men and 1 German woman, 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman, 2 English men and 1 English woman, 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman, 2 American men and 1 American woman, 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman. One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred: One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfilment, the equaldivision of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions. The Irish began by dividing their island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whisky, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whisky. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Scott, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whisky and you won't get worms."

A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked: "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said: "It's my dog, why?" "Well," squeaked he little man, obviously very nervous: "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that he choked on it, sir."

Mark and Sharon decide they don't want to discuss sex in front of their 4 year old boy, Wes, so they decide to talk in code. One day Mark is feeling a little bit turned on and says to Wes: "Tell your mother I would really like to type a letter." Wes runs off to find his mom. "Mommy, mommy," he shouts, "Daddy would like to type a letter." Sharon replies slightly sheepishly: "Wes, go and tell your daddy that he can't type a letter today as there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." Wes tears off to his father and says: "Daddy, daddy, mommy says you can't type a letter today as there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." A few days later Sharon remembers that Mark was a little bit keen on a bit of nookie and she called Wes over: "Go tell your daddy that he can type that letter today." she told him. He went off to look for his father and told him: "Daddy, mommy says you can type the letter today." "Thats Okay," Mark says, "you can tell your mother that I don't need the typewriter any more, I wrote the letter by hand."

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."  "Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake."  "Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge said.  "You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor. That's why I want the divorce," he replied.

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt. "Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if ..." The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father." The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

Little Susan was mother’s helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guest came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing. "Susan," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith's place!" "I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susan. "Daddy says he always eats like a horse."

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives. One woman said: "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does." The second woman giggled and confessed: "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft." The third woman quietly sipped her whisky until her friend asked: "Say, what do you call your husband?" She frowned and said: "The postman." "Why the postman?" "Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of the females thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear. The blonde realises he is staring and enquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?" "Yes, I'm sorry" replies the man and promises to avert his eyes."It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The man, who is getting really interested, enquires what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?" Stunned, the man replies, "Fucking hell! Can it whistle as well?!"

A man takes his feeble elderly father to a nursing home. The father is apprehensive. The son suggest that he stay the night, and they'll discuss it the next day. That evening, while getting a sponge bath from the proverbial gorgeous young nurse, he becomes aroused. Of course, the nurse makes love to him for all she's worth. The son comes back the next day, and is please to see his father resting happily. The father relates the events of the previous evening to his son, who is somewhat surprised. But relieved that his father has something to make him want to stay in the home. The next day, the son comes for another visit, and finds his father completely distraught, demanding that he be taken home. Concerned, the son asks why he's had such a change of heart. The father tells him that the previous evening he was walking down the hall, and fell down. While he was down, the ubiquitous burly male orderly buggered him rather brutally. Taken aback, but trying to look on the bright side, the son reminds his father of the evening with the nurse, suggesting that somehow, the orderly incident might be overlooked in favor of the nurses pleasures. The father replied: "But son, I only get a hard-on once a month." "I fall down four times a day."

In school one day the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about materials. So she stood in the front of the class and said: "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?" Little Richie raised his hand and said: "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said: "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said: "I would want silicon." The teacher said: "Why Johnny?" He responded by saying: "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!!"

A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No." was the reply. A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of his leg. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the   man said indignantly. "That's not my dog." was the answer...

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says: "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice." The woman replies, "He's a midget."

A bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to put my head between your tits, and lick the sweat off." he replies. "You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband." The bloke apologises and says he will never do it again. The barmaid accepts this and asks what he wants again. "I want to pull down your knickers, spread cottage cheese between your arse cheeks and lick it off." he replies. "What" shouts the barmaid, "That's it, you're barred, you dirty bastard, get out!" Once again the bloke apologises, and says he will never, ever do it again. "I'll give you one last chance," says the barmaid, "now, what do you want?" "I want to turn you upside down, fill your pussy with Guinness and drink it out of you." The barmaid starts crying and runs upstairs to her husband, who is sitting down watching the telly. "Whats up, love?" says the husband. "There's this bloke downstairs and when I asked him what he wanted, he said that he wanted to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off." she says in a flood of tears. "What?! He's a dead man!" shouts the husband getting out of his chair. "Then he said he wanted to pull down my knickers spread cottage cheese between my arse cheeks and lick it off!" screams the wife. "Right, he's going to need a body bag the bastard!" shouts the husband rolling up his sleeves and picking up a baseball bat."Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and drink it out of me" she concludes. When he hears this the husband puts the baseball bat down and sits back down in his chair. "Aren't you going to do something?!!" shouts the wife in hysterics "Listen love, I'm not messing with someone who can drink 14 pints of Guinness..." replies the husband.

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks. The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St Peter at the pearly gates. St Peter says: "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want." The first nun says: "I want to be Sophia Loren" and POOF she's gone. The second nun says: "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone." The third nun says: "I want to be Sara Pipalini." St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says. "Sara Pipalini" replies the nun. St Peter shakes his head and says: "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says: "No Sister, this says: 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men'!"

I smoke, because.....

1    My doctor told me it would be too stressful to quit
2    My dad told me not to be a quiter
3    I love the taste of tar, and they made me stop licking the road
4    I'm trying to loose weight, and it beats exercise
5    My cocain habit was getting a little expensive
6    I need something to do after sex
7    I don't think it's fair that cancer has to do all the work on it's own
8    I've never really liked my lungs
9    It gives me an excuse to explain my naturally yellow teeth
10   To keep musquitos off my head
11   My girlfriend looks much better through the haze
12   My boyfriend looks much better through the haze
13   You have a much greater risk of cancer from second hand smoke
14   better suck a cigarette than a dick
15   Hey, at least its not crack!
16   You only live once
17   It keeps me from sucking on other things!
18   Because life really isn't that much fun, is it?
19   Its safer than drinking after all nobody was ever killed by a smoke driver
20   Why live in someone elses reality when you can create your own

Comments on Marriage:

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

Three rings: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, Suffering.

When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

Things you wish you could say at work:

I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.

How about never?  Is never good for you?

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm not being rude, you're just insignificant.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Nice perfume.  Must you marinate in it?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Great One Liners:

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.  

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...  

3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.  

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?  

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.  

Every morning is the dawn of a new error...  

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.  

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...  

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.  

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.  

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.  

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.  

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?  

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.  

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.  

Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.

Other Jokes:

A wealthy trader from Wall Street stopped in at the local tattoo parlor in Key West, Florida and requested to have a one hundred dollar bill tattooed on his penis. The heavily tattooed tattoo artist looked at the extremely well dressed trader with a look of complete astonishment, and said "I've had strange requests, but this one tops the list. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your wanker with the picture of a one hundred dollar bill?" The trader in his usual fashion looked at the burly artist and told him this account. There are three distinct reasons I want this done and done immediately. One, I love to play with my money. Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow. Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow a hundred bucks, she won't have to leave home to do it!

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant." "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant. "We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager. "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired. "Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

I needed some supplies from a Sunday school cupboard that was seldom used and was secured with a lock. I didn't know the combination, but our clergyman offered to give it a try. Father Jack placed his fingers on the lock's dial and raised his eyes heavenward for a moment. Then he confidently spun the dial and opened the lock. Seeing how impressed I was with this demonstration of faith, he smiled and confided, "The numbers are written on the ceiling."

One night, a husband and wife were having a conversation over dinner: WOMAN: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" MAN: "Definitely not!" WOMAN: "Why not - don't you like being married?" MAN: "Of course I do." WOMAN: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" MAN: "Okay, I'd get married again." WOMAN: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face) MAN: (makes audible groan) WOMAN: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" MAN: "Where else would we sleep?" WOMAN: "Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?" MAN: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." WOMAN: "And would you let her use my golf clubs?" MAN: "She can't use them; she's left-handed." WOMAN:   - - - silence - - - MAN: "Shit!"

Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?" "Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?" The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."

A fellow was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday.  She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea.  Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way that she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So the fellow did. The next day his buddy asked, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," said the fellow. "...And did she like it?" His buddy asked. "Oh yes!  She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door yelling, "I'll be back in an hour.

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said: "I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!" The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat. Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said: "I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!" Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of. The teacher suggested they try some biology questions... "What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?" asked the teacher. "Legs!" Larry immediately replied. "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?" asked the teacher. "Pockets!" said Larry. The teacher looked at the principal, who said: "Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!"

A prostitute is lounging in her bed one evening, reflecting upon the day's business, when a Koala bear appears at her open window.  He winks at her, climbs in, hops onto the bed, and proceeds to perform oral sex upon her. Not too dismayed by her unexpected guests act, she spreads her legs and lets him have at it. Finishing, the koala bear licks his lips and starts to exit out the same window.  "Hey, wait a minute, buddy, you've got to pay for that!  I'm a hooker, you know!" "A hooker?  What's that?" asks the koala bear. "A hooker, you know, a prostitute!  It's in the dictionary, look it up!" So she shows the koala bear the entry in the dictionary.  Sure enough, it says: "Hooker: woman who exchanges sexual acts for monetary gain." The Koala bear thinks about this and says: "Do you know what I am? I'm a koala bear!  Look it up!" So as the koala bear disappears out the window, the hooker thumbs through the dictionary and looks up "Koala Bear."  It reads: "Koala Bear: eats bushes and leaves."

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial---a grand motherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked: "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded: "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked: "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied: "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. He, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace: "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."  "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."  The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness".  Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"  She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff. The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."  The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch. The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. The man sips the drink and says, "Now that's more like it." An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?" The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "THIS TASTES LIKE PISS."  To which the old drunk replies, "That's right, now guess how old I am!"

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male       whale recognised it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realised the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realised that the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job", "but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

In an exam -"What are four advantages of breast milk?"A student began to answer the question.1. No need to boil.2. Cats can't steal them. 3. Available whenever necessary. But the fourth point eluded him. When there were barely a couple of minutes for the exam to close the much required fourth point flashed to his mind. So he completed the answer by writing, 4. Available in attractive containers.

Young man gets a job at a funeral directors, on his first day he is giventhe job of preparing a body for burial. He runs through to his boss and says "Boss, that girl who came in, she has a prawn between her legs", "You what?" says his boss, " A prawn,....between her legs" the young man says. "You stupid boy" says his boss, "Show me". They go through to the morg, and the young man shows his boss. "Are you completely stupid?," asks his boss "That's not a prawn, that's a Clitoris", "Well" says the young guy "It tasted like a prawn"!!

A doctor and his beautiful nurse were having an affair. One day the nurse came in in tears and told the doctor that she was pregnant. The doctor told her that he would pay for her to go to Europe to have the baby and she agreed. "But how will you know when the baby is born?" asked the nurse. The doctor replied, "Just send me a postcard and write on it the word 'spaghetti' on it." They agreed that this was a good plan, and the nurse left for Europe. About nine months later, the doctor's wife called him at the office to tell him that he had received a very strange postcard from Europe. Upon hearing this, the doctor promptly had a heart attack. The next day, his wife was talking to one of the doctors while visiting him in the hospital. "Your husband has always been a healthy man," commented the doctor. "Do you have any idea what may have brought on this heart attack?" "Well," explained the wife, "he got this really odd postcard from Europe." "What did it say?" queried the doctor. "It was so strange," answered the wife. "It just said 'spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti - two with meatballs, two without!"

Five years old Johnny and his little sister are peeping through a keyhole at their parents making love "Wow, look at them! And we are not allowed even to stick a finger in our nose!"

A small two seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetary early this afternoon in central belgium. belgian search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues in the evening.....

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the Lottery!!" Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold ?" The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out the house by noon!"

Two women in the army are told to paint a room, without getting any paint on their uniforms. The two women don't see how they can do this without getting paint on their uniforms, so they strip and paint in the nude (they also lock the door). While painting someone asks to come in. Women(together):"Who is it?" Man: "Blind Man." They see no harm in letting a blind man in, so they open the door. Man: "Wow! What knockouts! Now where do I put these blinds?"

Barbara Walters was going to do a special about indian reservations. So she decided to do some research, She went down to the reservation and noticed the brave she's seen had a feather in his head. She was curious what it was for so she asked him and he replied,"me one feather, one squaw." Barbara shrugged her shoulders and kept walking down the trail. Soon she seen a brave with five feathers in his hair, so she asked him what they were for? The brave said,"Me five feather, five squaw." Barbara thought nothing of it and kept walking until she seen the chief smoking his peace pipe in front of his tepee. Barbara noticed that his head was full of feathers. And she asked the chief what all the feathers meant. The chief looked at Barbara and said, "Me all these feathers, I fucked em all, short,fat,skinny,tall, I fucked em all." Barbara said that he didn't have to be so hostile. The chief looked at her surprised and said,"HOSTILE,DOGGYSTYLE I fucked em all! Barbara Walters slapped her forhead and said,"OH DEAR!" Chief replied,"No me no fuckim deer, asshole to high, run too fast!!!!!"

A Frenchman is having his petit dejeuner (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam), when an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Frenchman ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. American: "You French folk eat the whole bread?" Frenchman (in a bad mood): "Of course." American: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't.  In the States, we only eat what is inside.  The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to France." The American has a smirk on his face.  The Frenchman listens in silence. The American insists: "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?" Frenchman: "Of course." American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling) "We don't.  In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, put all peel, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to France." The Frenchman then asks:  "And what do you do with condoms once you've used them?" American: "We throw them away, of course." Frenchman: "We don't.  In France, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to America.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night in their tent and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute.  "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some fucker has stolen our tent."

A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you $50 the man is going to jump." The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.  The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then." "No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."

Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs? A: Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

There was a very important job to be done and Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere,"  he pleaded.  "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.  But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.  I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Marine assured him.  "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.  "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed.  "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine" explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, tug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

How to Satisfy a Man Every Time:

Show up naked.

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ? The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another. After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up. What'd you do with the boat ?

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover on the closet as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "Its dark in here, isn't it?" "Yes it is ", the man replies. "You wanna buy a baseball?" , the little boy asks. "No Thanks", the man replies. "I think you do", the little extortionist continues. "Ok. how much?", the man replies after considering the position he is in. "Twenty-five dollars", the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!", the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position. The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with the little boy. "Its dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes it is", replies the man. "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks. "Ok. How much?", the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. "Fifty dollars", the boy replies. Then the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boys father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch." "I can't. I sold them", replies the little boy. "How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. "Seventy-five dollars", the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I 'am taking you to church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness". the father explains as he hauls the child away. At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says, "Gee, its dark in here, isn't it?" The priest says, "Don't you start that #$@^% in here now!".

Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. That way, if he doesn't like what you have to say, it'll be OK because ...... you'll be a mile away and you'll have his shoes.

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Dumb man + smart woman = affair

Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes- that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!" The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches. Don't fuck with them...

Dad - Son, come in here, we need to talk. Son - What's up, Dad? Dad - There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it? Son - I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the car", that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car. Dad - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch? Son - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it. Dad - But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car? Son - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car. Dad - Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox? Son - Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent. Dad - So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox? Son - No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car. Dad - But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact? Son - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way. Dad - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car? Son - No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?". From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information. Dad - Where did you learn to talk like a complete idiot? Son - From The President of the United States.

There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison . . ."

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven. A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabby." St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "Here we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed."

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, when the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of the traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his butt!"

One night, a Delta twin-engined puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane. Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night. Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane." The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

Two friends were playing golf, when one pulled out a cigar. He didn`t have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch BIC lighter. "Wow ! " said his friend, "where did you get that monster?" "I got it from my genie." "You have a genie?" he asked. "Yes, he`s right here in my golf bag." He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend says, "I`m a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" "Yes I will," the genie said. So he asks the genie for a million bucks, and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken, and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!" He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch BIC?"

An old guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!" The girl tells him that he CAN'T take a chicken into the theater, so he goes around the corner, and stuffs the chicken into his pants. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch the movie. Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified. She elbows her friend Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!" Myrtle whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it...you've seen one, you've seen them all." Agnes says, "I KNOW...but this one's eating my POPCORN!!"

There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink the juice. The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting." "And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

A guy's driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying "Apples - $5.00 each." He thinks that that is a lot of money so he decides to go see what's up. He goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?" The farmer replies, "They are peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer hands him one and says, "Here, try one."
So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, "Peanut butter - that's great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims "son of a gun - jelly!" The man says, "These apples are great - give me some." He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10 each." Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, "Hey, what's up with these apples?" The farmer says, "They're ham and cheese apples. Here, try one." The guy takes a bit and exclaims, "Son of a gun - ham!" The guy then says, "Let me guess - I have to turn it around." The farmer says "You got it." The guy bites the other side and says, "Cheese." Again the man says, "These apples are great - give me some." Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says "Apples - $50 each." The guy really wants to see what's up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, "What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?" The farmer tells him that "These apples are pussy apples. Here, try one." The guy takes a bite out of it and says, "Yuck! This apple tastes like shit." The farmer says, "Turn it around!"

There was a farmer that was waiting by the door with his three daughters for their dates to pick them up. The first guy got there and said "Hi. My name's Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo, and take her to the show." So the farmer excused them and let them go. The second guy showed up a few minutes later. The farmer answered the door and the guy said "Hi. My name's Freddie, I'm here to pick up Betty and take her out for spaghetti." The farmer excused them and let them go. The third, and final, guy showed up and the farmer answered the door. He said "Hi. My name's Chuck." And the farmer took out his shotgun and shot him!!!

A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only). He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only). She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T." The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time. The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T." The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?" The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

An obviously underage boy goes into a bar, climbs up onto a stool, and calls the barmaid. "Can I help you little boy?", she asks. "I'd like a double shot of Jack Daniels," he replies. She exclaims,"What do you want to do, get me into trouble?" "Sounds good to me," he answers, "but how 'bout the drink first?"

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!", said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your damn attitude changes!"

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an arguement about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?"

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked. The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, "'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man."

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After hischeckup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And mostimportantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months toa year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.

An elderly French man was slowly walking down a French country lane, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedge he spotted a young couple, naked, making love in the field. Getting over his initial shock, he said to himself, "Ah young love ... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers. C'est magnifique!", and he continued to watch, remembering good times. Suddenly he gasped and said, "Mais ... sacre bleu! Ze woman - she is dead!", and he hurried to the town as fast as he could to tell Albert, the police chief. He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, "Albert! Albert! Zere is a man and a woman, naked, in farmer Gaston's field, making love". The police chief smiled and said; "Come, come, Henri. You are not so old.Remember ze young love. Ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, l'amour!" "Mais non! You do not understand! Ze woman she is dead!", exclaimed Henri. Hearing this, Albert leapt from his seat, rushed out of the station and, as the police car was being serviced, he ran down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and ran all the way back non-stop to call the doctor. "Pierre! Pierre! In Gaston's field zere is a young couple, naked, 'aving sex." To which Pierre replied, "Albert, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring! Ze air, ze flowers! Ah, l'amour! Zis is very natural." Albert, still out of breath, gasped in reply, "Non, you do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!" Hearing this, Pierre shouted, "Mon dieu!", grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope and other tools,jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. Once there, he gave the couple a full medical examination. Then he drove back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the police station. He smiled patiently at the two men and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead - she is English".

A French guest, staying in a hotel called room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge. "Toilette pepper!"

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.' The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, 'Paint my house.'

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $400?"

A Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks. The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again. "Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?" The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday. The man thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman. "I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?" Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday. "That's a relief!" says the man. "The plumber is coming in the morning!"

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"

Four engineers were sitting around one day trying to figure out who might have designed the human body. The first fellow says "I think it might be a Mechanical Engineer, because of joints and muscle and sense of balance." The other three nod there heads and say "Yeah, could be." The second fellow says "I think it might be an Electrical Engineer, because of the nervous system and neural network." The other three nod there heads and say "Yeah, could be." The third fellow says "I think it might be a Chemical Engineer, because of hormonal balances and metabolism." The other three nod there heads and say "Yeah, could be." The fourth fellow snaps his fingers and shouts out "I know, it HAD to have been a Civil engineer!" The other three ask "Why?" "Well" says the fourth fellow, "who else would put a waste water drainage right through a recreational area!"

An engineering student was riding across campus on a shiny new bike. He ran into a friend of his who said "Wow, that's a great bike! Where'd ya get it?" "Well, the darndest thing happened" said the first student."A girl came riding up to me and got off the bike, threw off all her clothes, and said I could have anything I wanted!" "Wow," remarked his friend. "That's great! Good move, her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

On a train to a large computer convention there were a bunch of computer programmers and a bunch of computer engineers. Each of the programmers had a train ticket. The group of engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The programmers started laughing, figuring the engineers were going to get caught and thrown off the train. When one of the engineers, the lookout, said "here comes the conductor", all of the engineers went into the bathroom. The programmers were puzzled. The conductor came aboard, said "tickets please" and got tickets from all the computer programmers. He then went to the bathroom and knocked on the door and said "ticket please". The engineers stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor took it and moved on. A few minutes later the engineers came out of the bathroom. The computer programmers felt really stupid. On the way back from the convention, the group of programmers decided that they would try that method, too. They bought one ticket for the whole group. They met up with the engineers in the same car. Again, the programmers started snickering at the engineers. This time NONE of the engineers had tickets. When the lookout said "Conductor coming!", all the engineers went to one bathroom and all the computer programmers went to the other bathroom. Before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left their bathroom, knocked on the programmers bathroom, and said "ticket please."

A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned. "What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest. "I stole some lumber, Father," replied the man. "How much lumber did you steal?" asked the priest. "Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse." The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad." The man continued, "Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage." "Well, now, that's a little more serious." "Father, there's more. In addition to the doghouse, the 4-car garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!" With a pause, the priest finally spoke. "That is a little more serious. I'm afraid you'll have to make a novena." "Father, I'm not sure what a 'novena' is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber!"

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for sixdays. Eventually, on the 7th day Michael the Archangel found him resting. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE onit. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be agreat place of BALANCE!" "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor, the Middle part will be a hot spot in continues turmoil. Over there, I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to different countries and continents. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a tiny flat waterland mass in the center and asked,"What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's HOLLAND, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful rivers, lakes, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Holland are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be foundtraveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of world peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable soccer players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them!!! Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed: "What about balance, God? You said there will be balance?" God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting east of them."

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?" The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress'?" So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love', Lord?" So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"

Two men waiting at the pearly gates who struck up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second." It's awful,. you get the shakes and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. Eventually, it's very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" "I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asked the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

Joey's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls." The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."

A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill. The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer. The father, who was an Irishman, turned to his son and said, "Son, even on this gloomy day, it`s our tradition to drink to health as it is in death; so let`s go to the pub and celebrate my demise." Reluctantly, the son followed his father to the local pub.  There, while enjoying their ale, the father saw some old friends and told them he was dying from AIDS. Shocked, the son turned to his father and said, "Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from. It is cancer. Why did you lie to those men?" The father replied: "Aye, my son, you are right; but I don`t want those guys sleeping with your mom when I`m gone."

Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants." Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."

Man: "What do I have to give you for one little kiss?" Woman: "Chloroform"

Man: "Wanna dance?" Woman: "Life's too short to dance with ugly guys."

Two ladies were sitting in the park, smoking cigarettes. Suddenly it starts to rain, and where one lady quits smoking, the second one grabs in her back and places a condom over the cigarette: "That's how I keep my cigarettes dry in bad weather!" The first lady is surprised and immediately goes to the Drugstore for condoms: "Do you have condoms?" The man asks: "Off course I have. What size do you want?" "Well, I don't know... As long as it fits a Camel!"

One day, while my husband and I were moving furniture after painting, my mother called. I picked up the phone and talked to my mom, while my husband moved the last piece of furniture back to its original position. In the middle of our talking, he called me to help him with something. I asked my mother to hold on. I took care of what needed to be done and sat down next to my husband, feeling sweaty and exhausted. Somehow one thing led to another and we started to share an intimate moment. After making love, we lay back on the sofa and relaxed... and that's when I saw it! The phone was still off the hook! My mom was still on the phone! Even when I think of it now, years later, I shutter... I did not want to pick up the phone back up, because I knew my mother had been holding on all that time and had heard the whole thing! But I had to. So I stuttered to her that we had been moving the furniture, hoping that she would think that's what she had heard. But let's face it, she knew, she heard, and I wanted to crawl in a hole and die! That was the most embarrassing moment of my life, and I would not wish it on anybody.

Let me start by saying that I like women who are well "manicured", if you know what I mean. The first time my wife and I made love, I pleased her orally and mentioned to her how much I liked the way she shaved. In a rather embarrassed voice she replied: "I don't shave. That's all I have!" She has told me how much this embarrassed her, but I never told her how it embarrassed me, too!

My husband and I like to make love in different places. It's not that we are exhibitionists and like the thrill of getting caught or something, we just like doing it in different places. We've done it in the car (who hasn't?), in high grass near a river, in the middle of the big field in the local park, and one time we did it on the local little league field... We were going at it hot and heavy, when a police car was making it's rounds nearby, with a powerful flood light attached to the roof. Slowly the police car was coming closer and closer, and we had to stop before we were finished. My husband's pants were kinda tight, and at his present state he just couldn't get them on, if you know what I mean. Our car was parked at the side of the baseball field. We had been making love right in the middle of the field, so we had quite a distance to cover to get back to the car. The police car came closer. Soon we were going to be in the reach of their flood light! My husband pulled up his pants as much as he could and started stumbling towards our car, but I was in such a frenzy that I couldn't get my legs into my pants. They were tangled up inside out somehow. He yelled at my husband to wait for me. He kept telling me to hurry it up already! Finally he told me to forget about the pants (or my panties) and just go the way I was. He said my T-shirt was long enough to pass for one of those short one-piece dresses. I believed him. Big mistake! He was able to zip up his pants now, and I thought I looked like I was wearing a short dress, so we walked back to our car, trying not to look too suspicious to the cops who must have seen us by now. Their flood light ht our backs just as we were about to get into our car. When we got home I looked in the mirror to see how convincing my pretend-dress had been. It looked NOTHING like a dress!!! It just looked like I was wearing no pants. I'm sure the cops enjoyed the view when their flood light his my bare butt.

As a teenager I knocked out one of my own front teeth with a coke bottle. I've been wearing a cap ever since. Years later, I was in a long distance relationship. During one of my trips to visit my girlfriend, I stayed in a New York hotel. One evening I was getting ready for a date with Debbie, my future wife. Of course I was trying to look my best. I was almost ready when it happened... When I took out my cap to clean it, it suddenly slipped out of my fingers, and fell down the drain! I tried fishing it out with a coat hanger, but that didn't work; so I called the front desk and explained my dilemma, asking for help. After waiting for about half an hour, I finally asked if they could rush it up a little, but I was informed the janitor said he was too busy to help me, and that once something goes down the drain, it's gone for good! There was NO way I was going to let Debbie or anyone else see me like this. I felt like a toothless hillbilly bum. I PANICKED... I was ready to cancel the date, pack up my stuff, and fly back home that same night! But instead, I gave it one last try... with my bare hands, I literally pulled that pipe apart until the elbow gave way. I got my cap back, but found I couldn't put the pipe back together. I finally went out on my date, but I didn't tell Debbie why I was so late that night, until months later. Haha! The next morning I complained about a "leaky sink" and requested a new room... The hotel never asked me what happened to that drainpipe!

Her name is Sarah, and it is a hot date. We meet in acting class, acting together for months before ever going out, then Bingo, a fine dinner at a classy place and we're on our way back to her house. Her dress is short, my waist is thin, it feels right, I know she's going to invite me in. When we get to the door, she quickly looks through her purse, then realizes her dilemma and stops. "Can't find your keys?" I ask. "No, I've got my keys, but there's a slight problem." Turns out that she had gotten her period in the middle of our date. Turns out the lady's room in the restaurant only had Tampex pads, and since she wasn't wearing any underwear, she had no way to keep it on. Then she had remembered that she kept her keys on a long leather thong, which she tied around her waist to use as a belt to hold the Tampex on. Now her keys are tied around her waist under her dress. She politely asks me to turn around so that she can quickly lift her skirt, get her keys, and open the door. This is the most difficult request I have ever been asked, but I comply and face the other direction. I hear a couple of grunts but the door doesn't open. "It's too high," she says. "I can't reach it. I've got to stand on something." We search for a box but no go. I politely offer myself. I get down on my hands and knees on her front doorstep and say "stand on my back." She steps up, puts her waist to the door, and goes for the key. It works. I hear the tumblers click. Then I look the other way and see a woman, standing on the sidewalk, watching us. She is going out of her mind. What she sees just does not fit into any of her visions of reality. If life were a cartoon, steam would be coming out of her ears. She is completely mystified and overwhelmed with horror. She doesn't know about the door key. She doesn't know about the Tampex or the leather thong. She doesn't know that there is a perfectly rational explanation for our behavior. She sees what she sees, which seems to be a young man helping a woman fuck a doorknob. I don't blame her for being upset. I don't try to explain. The door opens and Sarah and I duck inside, leaving her out there to puzzle it through. Should she call the police? Should she tell anyone? What would she say? Does it give her ideas? Does she tell her husband about it? Do they try it themselves, discretely at home, thinking it's the latest craze? Most likely she merely carries it around with her forever, never telling a sole, keeping it tucked away in memory, filed under "The Most Depraved Thing I've Ever Seen!"

When I was 15 years old I went on my first date. I was, of course, very nervous and excited. The boy picked me up and took me to dinner. When we first sat down, he made a comment about how girls always try to eat like a bird in front of him. In order to impress him I finished my entire meal (I was stuffed). Then he ordered a big dessert for us to share and even though I didn't want to, I made myself eat it with him. About 20 minutes later, as we were driving back to my house, I suddenly felt this rumble in my stomach. I asked him to pull over at a gas station, because I had to pee. As he pulled up to park he jokingly slammed on the breaks so that I bounced forward against the seatbelt. I immediately threw-up all over his dash board and myself. It all happened so fast that I didn't realize until a moment later that I had peed on myself, too. I ran to the bathroom and cried until I laughed. He finally got me home and we became really great friends.

A few hours before my date, to go out to the beach, I was trying on a new bathing suit in my room. I wore it when I walked downstairs to grab a bite to eat in the kitchen. My little brother was there, too. We talked for a few minutes, when I realized that I hadn't shaved my bikini line. No big deal I thought... He was little and probably didn't understand or even notice. I went back up to my room and shaved. Later my date came in to pick me up and I introduced him to my little brother, who stared at me, pointed at my crotch and said: "Where is the hair that was there before?" I looked at him in shock and he started laughing, telling my date that the hair looked like spiders! It was HORRIBLE!

John, an old Scottish man, was sitting in the bar, complaining about his life... "Do ya see that house there ?  Well, I've built that in 1 month, it's strong, has facilities and many more... But do they call me John-the-house-builder ? Noo... Do ya see that wall over there ? Well I've built that one during 2 years... It's pretty as a picture... But do they call me John-the-wall-builder ? Noo.... Do ya see that pier over there ?  I've spend six months of my life on it... everybody's walking on it... But do they call me John-the-pier-builder ? Noo..." (Silence) "But ya fuck one goat..."

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from ,fishing after getting up real early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says, "Reading my book." The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!" Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape." The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you." To which the lady replied, "Yeah, but you have all the equipment!"

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years." The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so. Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years." And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so. God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so. Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so. And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

One day little Johnny went to his father and asked him if he could buy him a $200.00 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? We can't afford it, wait until Christmas." Christmas came around and Johnny asked his dad again. His father said,"Well, the mortgage is still extremely high. Sorry, we can't afford it. Ask me again some other time." Well, about 2 days later, Johnny was walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father said, "Why are you leaving?" Johnny said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too." "DAMN me if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"

There were three men talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third man remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two blokes where amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said 'GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!'."

A virgin girl gets married to an Iowa guy and she's rather nervous about the wedding night as she's heard that Iowa men are better endowed than most other men. She explains this to her husband who tells her he knows how to get round the situation which is to show her his dick, bit by bit. The wife lies in bed and sees three inches of dick come round the door. "Are you nervous yet?" says her husband. "No, I"m OK" she replies. Another six inches of dick comes around the door and he says "Are you still OK?" "Yes" she replies. A further foot comes around the door and she says "I"m still not nervous". "OK," her husband replies, "I"m coming up the stairs"

During a routine physical, a doctor tells his patient to drop his pants. After the examination, the doctor says to the man, "You have the filthiest balls I've ever seen!" The guy goes home to his wife and says, "I want to talk to you about something." She replies, "Not now, I've been so busy lately that I haven't had time to wipe my ass!" He says, "That's what I want to talk to you about."

A Story about Teamwork

This is a story about a family of 4 people: Every Body, Some Body, Any Body and No Body.

There was an important job to be done, and Every Body was asked to do it. Every Body was sure Some Body would do it.

Any Body could have done it, but No Body did it. Some Body got angry with that, because it was Every Body's job.

Every Body thought Any Body could do it, but No Body realised that Every Body wouldn't do it.

In the end, Every Body blamed Some Body when No Body did what Any Body could have done.

WATCH YOUR ENGLISH

Here's an interesting analysis of the English language:

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; But the plural of ox is oxen, not oxes.

Then one fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, Yet the plural of moose should never be meese!

You may find a lone mouse or a whole nest of mice, But the plural of house is houses, not hice!

If the plural of man is always called men, Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of a foot, and you show me your feet, And I give you a boot- would a pair be called beet?

If one tooth, and a whole set are teeth, Why should not the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that and three would be those, Yet hat in the plural would never be hose; And the plural of cat is cats; not cose!

We speak of a brother, and also of brethren, But though we say mother, we never say methren!

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim!

So English, I fancy you all will agree Is the funniest language you ever did see!

A Nony Mous

Mirror Kissing:

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints. Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick. That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

HOW TO BATHE A CAT

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted. 3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any thing they can find. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective. 6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself. Sincerely, A DOG OWNER

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

A substitute teacher walks into the classroom on the blackboard she sees a message. It says, "Jimmy Poole, has got the biggest tool, in the whole damn school!" She yells, "Whose Jimmy Poole?" This kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Jimmy Poole." "Well, Jimmy, your staying after school! The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up at the blackboard and written on it, it says, "PAYS to ADVERTISE."

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins. The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands." The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the
poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today." The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please." Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Fanta, and Sprite" Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snackbar clerk at a movie theatre for a "dark, carbonated beverage." The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"

Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car. The only thing he said was, "F.F." His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F." Out on the highway, he said, "F.F." She responded simply, "E.F." He repeated, "F.F." She again replied, "E.F." "Mum! Dad!" their son yelled, "What's going on?" Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"

Meena was telling her friend at a cocktail party that she was off men for life. "They lie, cheat, and they are no good. From now on, when I want sex I 'll use my vibrator." "But what if the batteries run out? What will you do?" asked the friend. "Same as I do with my boy friend, I'll fake the orgasm."

Dean was preparing to board a plane when he heard the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought Dean.  "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person." Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him.  Still, Dean was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.  Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought Dean. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance." Almost immediately, the Pope turned to Dean and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?" Only one word leapt to mind. "My goodness," thought Dean, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." Dean thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, Dean said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt.'" "Of course," replied the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

After school one day Tom, an eager second-grader, came up to his mother and asked, "Mom, whats a pussy?" Somewhat startled by the question, but directing her answer away from the adult definition, the mother replied, "Son, sometimes people say the word pussy, for short, when they really mean pussycat. You know like Boots, the cat that lives next door. Boots could be called a pussy or better yet, pussycat." That didnt compute with what Tom heard on the playground that day, but he continued, "Mom, what about a bitch? What is a bitch?" She pursued her puritanical theme by answering, "Tom, an adult female dog is commonly referred to as a bitch. But Son, where did you hear such words?" "From the fourth-graders on the playground, Mom," he replied. "I think you should play with your second-grade friends and stay away from those fourth-graders," the mother stated. Later, Tom found his dad working in the basement. He went up to his dad and asked, "Dad, whats a pussy?" The dad contemplated how he should answer this delicate question. Then resolving that an honest question deserves and honest answer, he reached up on the top shelf of his tool bench and took down a copy of the Play Boy magazine. He pulled out the centerfold and laid it on the workbench. With a felt-tip pen the dad drew a very tight circle around the vulva of the nude playmate-of-the-month. Pointing to the centerfold and looking his son square in the eye, the dad said, "Tom, Son, everything inside that little circle is called a pussy!" "WOW," said Tom as his eyes bugged at the small circle. Now that made more sense about what he heard on the playground that day. "Dad, Dad, then whats a bitch" Tom asked? "Tom, a bitch is, a bitch is everything outside that circle!"

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.  In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself". That same day, the man went to the shop and bought a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home he found his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two began, they found themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to come and fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor.  The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well......  When I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick, and my neighbour came out of the wardrobe with his hands in the air !! "

A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy.  He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion! Later, the lion confronts a deer and bellows, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The terrified deer stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!" On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is  mightiest of all jungle animals?" Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla, crapped on it, and ambled away. The lion hollered after the elephant, "Damn, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed off."

Why Parents Go Grey

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.  He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no". Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman"? "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?, asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper" Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"? Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "They're looking for me"

Sex:

Usually, everyone who has a dog calls him Rover or Fido or something like that. I called mine Sex. Well, Sex is a very embarrassing name. One day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away. I spent hours looking for him. A cop asked me what I was doing in an alley at 4:00 a.m. I said "I'm looking for Sex." My case came up the following Thursday.

One day I went to the city hall to get a dog licence. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I said I wanted a licence for Sex. "I would like one too!" he said. Then I said this is a dog and he said he didn't care how they looked. I told him I'd had Sex since I was 2 years old. He said, "You must have been quite a kid!"

When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He said to wait until after the wedding. I said, "but sex had played a big part in my life, my whole life revolves around Sex." He said that he didn't want to hear another word and that we couldn't get married in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at there. Next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from that church.

We took the dog on our honeymoon. I told the motel clerk I wanted a room for my wife and I and another for Sex. He said, "Every room in the motel is for sex." "You don't understand," I said "Sex keeps me awake at night." "Me too!" he replied.

One day I told a friend I had Sex on TV. He said "show off". When I said it was a contest he said I should have sold tickets.

When my wife and I seperated we went to court to fight over the custody of Sex. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before we were married." "Me too!" he replied.

Well now, I'd been in jail, married, divorced, and had more trouble with that dog than I'd ever gambled for. The other day I went for my first session with a psychiatrist. He asked, "What's the trouble?" I said "Sex has died," I continued, "it's like losing your best friend and now I'm so lonely." The psychiatrist said, "You and I both know that sex isn't a mans best friend, ..... get a dog!"

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:

Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.Your Husband

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband: You too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore don't wait up. Your Wife

30 Harsh Things A Woman Can Say To A Naked Man:

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahhhh, it's cute.

3. Why don't we just cuddle?

4. You know they have surgery to fix that.

5. Make it dance.

6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?

7. Wow, and your feet are so big.

8. It's OK, we'll work around it.

9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

10. Oh no... a flash headache.

11. (giggle and point)

12. Can I be honest with you?

13. How sweet, you brought incense.

14. This explains your car.

15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

16. Why is God punishing me?

17. At least this won't take long.

18. I never saw one like that before.

19. But it still works, right?

20. It looks so unused.

21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

23. Are you cold?

24. If you get me real drunk first.

25. Is that an optical illusion?

26. What is that?

27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

28. Does it come with an air pump?

29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

30. I guess this makes me the early bird.