English Jokes (10)

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I
an find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your wife...spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"  The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!"

A man in a supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant told him that only whole heads of lettuce were sold. The man persisted and asked to see the manager.  The boy asked the man to wait while he checked with the manager. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants
to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier.  We like people who think on their feet here.  Where are you from, son?" "Canada, sir,"  the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada ?"  the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there." "Really..." intoned the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No shit?" replied the boy.  "Who'd she play for?"

How fast can you guess these words?

1.   F_ _K
2.   PU_S_
3.   S_X
4.   P_N_S
5.   BOO_S
6.   _ _NDOM

Answers:

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?
Well, you don't have Alzheimer's, but you are a pervert!

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what they had learned. Susie said, "He was born in a manger." Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple." Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it." Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?" "From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.  On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.  He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.  Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.  The robber yelled, 'Well, did anyone else see my face?' There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.  Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, 'My wife got a pretty good look at you.'

A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day." "Can't", replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?" Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow. - - - - ("com-for-da-bul" ).

Irish Poker Game: Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue to play standing up. Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?" They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me." Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife. "I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of petrol. As luck would have it, a Shell Petrol station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can and buy some petrol. The attendant told her that the only can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with petrol and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with petrol, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the petrol into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first."I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in a few seconds." I bought her a scale.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes," she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

A friend of mine has a sign by his swimmingpool:
WELCOME TO OUR _OOL
Notice there is no P in it
We'd like to keep it that way

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little bastard on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."

Due to the recession, to save on energy costs, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off. (The light at the end of the tunnel? That is the light of the train that is speeding towards you!)

A Mexican, an Arab, and an Englishman are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.' The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks no-alcohol beer (because he's a muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In  the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't  need to drink with the same one twice either.' The English man, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out his 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching his glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, he says, 'In England we have so many f*cking illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

Arthur and the Witch:

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question?... .What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marrySir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Tableand Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered.... is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments? What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now ....what is the moral to this story?
The moral is: If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are going to get ugly!

---

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 'Oops!'

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.' Joe: 'Really?' Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?' The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

A bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The burial was to be at cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. He was not familiar with the backwoods area and, being a typical man, did not stop for directions. He finally arrived an hour late, saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight. He apologized to the workers for his tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave, where he saw the vault lid already in place. He assured the workers he would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. He played out his heart and soul. As he played the workers began to weep. He played and played like he'd ever played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the  Forest , closing the session with Amazing Grace, and walked to his car. As he opened the door and took off his coat, he overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.' 'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?' 'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc. 'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?' 'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.' 'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?' 'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!' 'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?' 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. 'Miss Joyce''; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?' I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly. 'Miss Joyce', that is very unusual. How old are you?' 'Ninety-eight.' she replied. 'Oh, Miss Joyce, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?' The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: 'I outlived the bitches.'

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'Hello.....,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'

A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, “May I help you?” The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce’s.” The attorney said, “well do you have any grounds?” The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres.” The attorney said, ” No, you don’t understand, do you have a case?” The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.” The attorney said, “No you don’t understand, I mean do you have a grudge?” The farmer said, “Yea I got a grudge, that’s where I park my John Deere.” The attorney said, “No sir, I mean do you have a suit?” The farmer said, “Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.” The exasperated attorney said, “Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?” The farmer said, “No sir, we both get up about 4:30.” Finally, the attorney says, “Okay, let me put it this way. “Why do you want a divorce?” And the farmer says, “Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.”

Message on a front door: TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS: (1) They live here. You don't. (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture. (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly. Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they: (1) eat less, (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5) never ask to drive the car, (6) don't smoke or drink, (7) don't want to wear your clothes, (8) don't have to buy the latest fashions, (9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and (10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...

Although the couple had agreed to a divorce, Alfie objected to Millie's demand for alimony. "She never wanted to go out to work, so she never earned a penny of what I own." he complained, "She was disgusting to live with. She claims to have stayed home to be a housewife, but she never picked up my socks or underwear from the floor and every time I went to urinate in the kitchen sink, it was full of dirty dishes."

Old John was on his deathbed. He raised himself on one elbow and beckoned to his wife. "Peggy", he whispered, "come closer!" She wiped a tear and leaned in to hear his words. "You were with me through the Great Depression," he told her. "Yes John," she said. "Peggy, you were with me through the terrible droughts in the fifties and the eighties." "Yes John." "And you were with me when the farm got burned out by the bushfires in the nineties." "Right," she said. "And last year, you were still hanging in there with me when the bank foreclosed on our mortgage and we lost the farm." "Yes John." "And now, here you are with me today, when I'm just about to die." Peggy nodded. "You know Peggy, I'm starting to think you are nothing but bad luck!"

How to make 150 old ladies say the "F' Word? Yell "Bingo"!!

An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home. All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home. After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa. "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson. "It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and  respectful," says grandpa. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a  little different from everyone." "Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," Abdullah says with a big  smile. "There's a musician here-- he's 85 years  old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro!" "There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old.  He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor !" "There's a dentist here -- 90 years old. He  hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor!" "And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me The Fucking Arab!"

Dave was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at estate planning than men....

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said 'Parking Fine'. So that was nice.

A man walked into the doctor's surgery. The doctor said, "I haven't seen you in a long time". The man replied, "I know. I've been ill".

A man rang up the swimming baths. He said, "Is that the local swimming baths?" They replied, "It depends where you're calling from...."

A man went home and the phone was ringing. He picked it up, and said, "Who's speaking please?" A voice said: 'You are.'"

A man walked into the doctor's surgery. He said, "I've hurt my arm in three places". The doctor replied, "Well, don't go to those places".

Lady walks into an ice cream parlor on a hot day. "I'd like a gallon of chocolate ice cream", she says. "I'm sorry ma'am, but we've had a run on chocolate in this weather and we just ran out. We've got 30 other flavours, so please pick one of them." replied the clerk. "Oh well, I guess I'll just have a quart of chocolate then." "Ma'am, perhaps you didn't hear me. We are completely out of chocolate ice cream, but I'll be happy to sell you another flavour." "Oh. Better make it just a pint of chocolate then." The clerk has had enough at this point and asks, "Listen, lady, spell the 'VAN' in 'vanilla'." The lady is puzzled, but replies "V-A-N". "OK, now spell the 'STRAW' in 'strawberry'. he says. She slowly replies, "S-T-R-A-W", still not sure what he's up to. "OK, now spell the "FUCK" in 'chocolate'." She looks at him and says, "There's no 'fuck' in chocolate!' He shouts back, "That's what I'm tryin to tell you, lady!"

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was              wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and              toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and              asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me sarcastically what in the world I do all day?' 'Yes,' was his incredulous reply. She answered, 'Well, today, I didn't do it.'

A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska for a trip the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt moose and drive a dog team instead of a car. "If we decided to live there permanently, away from civilization, what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife. She replied, "You."

A white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here."
The black man turned around and stood up. He then said:
"Listen sir....when I was born I was BLACK "
"When I grew up I was BLACK, "
"When I'm sick I'm BLACK, "
"When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, "
"When I'm cold I'm BLACK, "
"When I die I'll be BLACK."
"But you sir."
"When you are born you're PINK".
"When you grow up you're WHITE, "
"When you're sick, you're GREEN, "
"When you go in the sun you turn RED, "
"When you're cold you turn BLUE, "
"And when you die you turn PURPLE.
"And you have the nerve to call me colored?"
The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away....

A man owned a small farm in Scotland. The Inland Revenue claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him. 'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep. 'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.' 'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.' 'Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.' 'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent. 'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

A blonde named Barbara appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire... Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left. The next question will give you the million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?" Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go." Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it... A-Robin, B-Sparrow, C-Cuckoo, D-Thrush. "Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars." Barbara: "It's a cuckoo." Regis: "You're sure? You can walk with the $500,000 or play on for the million." Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C - Cuckoo." Regis: "Is that your final answer?" Barbara: "It is." Regis: "Are you confident?" Barbara: "Absolutely!" Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C -Cuckoo. Well....you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara." That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink. As they are sipping their champagne. Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?" "It was so simple," Barbara replied, "Everybody knows that cuckoos live in clocks."

A woman is in the delivery room in labor. One final push and the baby comes out. Above the baby's pitiful first cries, she hears the horrified gasps of the doctor and shrieks of the nurses. The baby is rushed away before she can see it. Later, a doctor comes in and says, "I'm afraid there's a...problem with your new son. It seems he was born without a body." She stammers, "You mean..." "Yes," the doctor says, "he's just a head. But, on the bright side, he's a perfectly healthy and normal head." The years pass by, and the mother takes to putting her son (now a teenaged head) on a table upstairs near the window so he can look out at the other children playing. One day, the phone rings. It's the hospital. A surgeon informs the woman that there has been a horrible accident, and a young man has been completely decapitated. There is a good chance that her son's head can be attached to the victim's body! She drops the phone, runs upstairs to where her son has rested most of his life and says, "Son! I have the most wonderful surprise for you!" The kid looks up at her and replies, "I hope it's not another hat."

Q. What should you do if you get an e-mail with the subject "Nude pictures of Sarah Palin"? A. Whatever you do, don't open it!  It could contain a computer virus! Q. What should you do if you get an e-mail with the subject "Nude pictures of Hillary Clinton"? A. Whatever you do, don't open it!  It could contain nude pictures of Hillary Clinton!

Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos. She asks what they are made of. The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair. The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant says " Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99."

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns & toast for $1.99. 'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.' 'Then, I'll have to charge you two dollars & forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her. 'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously. 'YES!!' stated the waitress. 'I'll take the special then.' my wife said. 'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked. 'Raw and in the shell,' my wife  replied. She took the two eggs home.

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where God is, son?' The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where is God?' Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where is God?' The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, 'What happened?' The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, 'We are in BIG trouble this time!' 'GOD is missing, and they think we did it!'

Two bats were hanging upside down, next to each other... 'You know what I'm dreading as I grow old?' asked one. 'No, what's that?' 'Incontinence!'

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. "What's the matter?" he asks. "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice. "What the hell is anal glaucoma?" "I can't see my ass coming into work today."

Senator Barack Obama was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.  HE spoke for almost an hour on HIS future plans for increasing Native Americans present standard of living, should HE one day become the President. HE referred to his career as a Senator, how he had signed 'YES' for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his 'red sisters and brothers'. At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.  The proud Senator then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the new name they had given to the Senator.  They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

"I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Got a call centre in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck."

A man approached a local in a village he was visiting. "What's the quickest way to York?" The local scratched his head. "Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger. "I'm driving." "That's the quickest way!"

A mental hospital was critically overcrowded. The doctor decides to get all the patients seated in one large room to conduct a test to see how many they discharge that day. At the front of the room the Doctors took some chalk and drew a full size door on a Blackboard and offered an ice cream to any patient who could open the door. There was a mad rush for the door with the patients scratching a clawing at the door and the handle. The doctors were disappointed, until they noticed a single patient who remained in his chair and was quietly chuckling to himself as he watched his fellow patients. Encouraged that at least one patient could be discharged today, the doctors asked him why he wasn't trying to open the door. The patient, who could no longer contain his laughter, shouted, "I've   got the key!"

Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are." The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools." One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age." Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers. The grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!" Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?" Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three old ladies happily yelled in unison: "We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

My wife's doctor wanted to wean her off antidepressants. 'What would happen if you stopped taking them?' he asked. 'To me? Nothing,' she said. 'But all of a sudden my husband becomes a real jerk.'

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge. I was maybe 1 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.  My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place a baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam.  How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?" He answers "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

Customer: "Waiter!" Waiter: "How can I help you, sir?" Customer: "There's a hair in my food." Waiter: "That isn't possible, unless it was your hair." Customer: "It isn't!" Waiter: "Who else's hair could it be?" Customer: "Your chef's." The waiter walks into the kitchen and return to the table with our chef. Waiter: "Take off your chef's hat." Chef takes off his hat, he is revealed to be bald. Chef, to the customer: "You were saying something about my hair being in your food?"

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, 'I've had enough of this'. She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says: 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?' The blonde says, 'I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it.'

A father walks into a market with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat, and makes her way, unhurried, across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles, and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first, and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father, and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her, saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No," the woman replied, "Divorce Attorney."

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. 'He's a funeral director,' she answered. 'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'

At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him." The father, a grocery store manager, took the advice.  During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride's hand on his son- in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."

"May I take your order?" the waiter asked. "Yes. I'm just wondering, how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?" Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"

Headline: Man found dead with several sets of locomotive wheel-marks across him. The Police believe he died of Repetative Train Injury!

Murphy and his wife went for a stroll in the park. They sat down on a bench to rest for awhile. Soon after, they overhear voices coming from a secluded spot nearby. Suddenly, Mrs. Murphy realizes that a young man is about to propose. Not wanting to be eavesdropping during such an intimate moment, she gently nudges her husband and whispers, "Whistle to let that young couple know that someone can hear them." To which Murphy replies, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me!"

A certain world renowned scientist was also recognized as a particularly absent-minded professor... One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, "Take it easy. You'll find it." When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, "I'm sure you bought a ticket. Just forget about it." "You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it, otherwise I won't know where to get off!"

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all of the ladies who bake for church events: Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack up for Scout camp. When she took the cake from the oven, the centre had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed, "Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!" This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the centre of The cake. She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect. And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone & called her mom. Alice was horrified-she was beside herself! Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back. The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home. The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south and to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake! She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "what a beautiful cake!" Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself." Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good."

A man rushed into a doctor's clinic, shouting, "Help me! I think I'm shrinking!!" The receptionist calmly replied: "The doctor's busy. Please be a little patient!"

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking." "Why complain?" said the counselor. " You're still getting the same service!"

"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He replied, "I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful," I said. "What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet!"

Three prisoners were scheduled to be executed. The warden asked them what they wanted to have for their last meal. "Lasagna," the first replied. The warden served him his lasagna, then escorted him to his execution. "I'd like lobster," the second prisoner said. The warden served him his lobster, then led him to his execution. The third prisoner said, "I'd like a big bowl of strawberries, topped with whipped cream." "Sorry, but strawberries are out of season," the warden said. "Ah, that's ok. I'll wait!" replied the prisoner.

From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy." "Samy! But he is your enemy !" "Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now ."

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale." A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish." The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that." The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass those fucking potatoes!"

An atheist was walking through the woods and said to himself, "What majestic trees!" "What powerful rivers!" "What beautiful animals!" As he walked alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder And saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant, the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!" Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident. "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps,....... You could make the BEAR a Christian?" "Very Well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. The bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed His head, and spoke: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

Two men are out  fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just  fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Jim says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2  months. Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile. An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.  The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.  Holding hands they walked back to their old school.  It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally." On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.  Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, so they took it home.  There, she counted the money  fifty thousand dollars.  Andy said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag  and hid it in their attic. The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said, "No."  Andy said, "She's lying.  She hid it up in  the attic."  Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.  One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."  Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school  yesterday..... "  The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in  Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus." The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am. While his coffeepot ( MADE IN CHINA ) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor ( MADE IN HONG KONG ). He put on a dress shirt ( MADE IN SRI LANKA ), designer jeans ( MADE IN SINGAPORE ) and tennis shoes ( MADE IN KOREA ). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA ) he sat down with his calculator ( MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch ( MADE IN TAIWAN ) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA ) he got in his car ( MADE IN GERMANY ) filled it with GAS from Saudi Arabia and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN J OB At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia ), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals ( MADE IN BRAZIL ) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE ) and turned on his TV ( MADE IN INDONESIA ), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA ....

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old soccer players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?'' Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he Was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" "Ralph, for the FIFTH Fuckin' time, CHICKEN!"

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived." An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."  The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct." Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either." Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2." As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know, Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised that you said Jesus Christ." Marvin replied: "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business."

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him. The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?" "No," replied the nervous immigrant. "Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?" "No." "Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?" "No." "Then why did ya think she's gonna kill ya?" asked the exasperated police officer. "Because I found a bottle on dresser and I think she's gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle. The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud. The immigrant became indignant and said, "What's so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle says 'Polish Remover'?"

An elderly couple go to church one Sunday. Halfway through the service, the wife leans over and whispers in her husbands ear, "I've just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" The husband replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest herdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use "Big People' words." She then asked little Alex what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having lunch at the White House. The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of soup and a salad." "And what can I get for you, Mr. President?" George W. looking up from his menu, replies with his trademark wink and slight grin,.... "How about a quickie today?" "Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude!You're starting to act like Mr.Clinton!" As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers.........."It's pronounced, 'Quiche'!"

This scene took place on a BA flight between Johannesburg, South Africa and London, England. A white woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a black man. Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air hostess. "You obviously do not see it then?" she responded. "You placed me next to a black man. I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat." "Be calm please," the hostess replied. "Almost all the places on this flight are taken. I will go to see if another place is available." The hostess went away and then came back a few minutes later. "Madam, just as I thought, there are no other available seats in the Economy Class. I spoke to the captain and he informed me that there is also no seats in the Business Class. All the same, we still have one place in the First Class." Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued. "It is not usual for our company to permit someone from the Economy Class to sit in the First Class. However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone sooooo disgusting." She turned to the black guy, and said, "Therefore, Sir, if you would like to please collect your hand luggage, a seat awaits you in First Class."

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this." "What's the problem?" the doctor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away," replied the man. The doctor said, "My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you." The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor. "It worked all right. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women." "So, what is your problem?" asked the doctor. "I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." She said, "Listen, I'm a GOOD Woman, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a cheque.

The good, the bad and the ugly:

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a crossdresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees:" talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

8. Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect...12 below zero (-24 C), no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over...the "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below doesn't help matters. With time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods and no one would even notice. He assured her, "The white will provide more than adequate camouflage." So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way; Steep slopes are not forgiving...even during the most embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, racing through the trees...somehow missing all of them and onto another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued backwards, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a hospital. While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk. "It was the stupidest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn't believe my eyes! There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of her pants. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift." .............. "So, how'd you break your arm?

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard! That must've been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went ' Fffff, Fffff,Fffff'... and before he could say "Fuck," the rottweiler ate him!"

A man in his 40s bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 and then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing"? he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week, my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid it was you and you were trying to give her back."

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.  The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!" "Son, I'm a priest.  Your language is uncalled for!"  "No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!" "Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!" Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.  "Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen"  "Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch.  What should I do with it?"  "Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!"  Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.  "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!" Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"  "It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!"  "Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?" Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.  "I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.  "What are you doing Sister?"  "Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner" "Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"  "No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish."  "Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch." On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect.  The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.  The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?" "I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.  "And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.  The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe! The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, "You fuckers are my kind of people!"

"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife said to her lazy husband who refused to find a job. "My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed." The husband rolled over on the couch. "You should be ashamed," he agreed. "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent."

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Edna. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went." "But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Ronald along?" "But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack. "But he's got perfect eyesight.  He could watch your ball," Edna pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Ronald looking on.  Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.  "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yup," Ronald answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. "I forgot." Ronald replied.

Teacher: "What is the chemical formula for water?" Sarah: "HIJKLMNO"! Teacher: "What are you talking about?" Sarah: "Yesterday you said its H to O!"

A Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer. "I'm going to inspect your farm." The old farmer said, "You better not go in that field." The Ag representative said in a wise tone, "I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me.  See this card?  I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land." So, the old farmer went about his farm chores. Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture representative running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a full nest of hornets and the bull was gaining at every step. The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!"

The bar was crowded. Suddenly there was a loud crash outside, followed by screaming and crying. Everybody jumped up and rushed outside to see what was going on, except two men who stayed on their bar stools, nursing their drinks.. One glanced at the other and said, "So...you're a doctor, too?"

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God, with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: "Dear God,  I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.  Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely,  Edna. The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.  By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went.  A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read, "Dear God, how can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?  Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my  friends of your wonderful gift.  By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office. Sincerely yours, Edna.

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet- cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

Two nuns were shopping at a grocery store and happened upon the beer/wine section. One asks the other if she would like a beer. The other nun answered that would be great, but she was embarrassed about purchasing it. The first nun said not to worry, she would handle it, picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look, but the first nun said, "this is for washing our hair." The cashier, without missing a beat, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with the beer, saying... "Here, don't forget the curlers!"

I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank, the line was short...just one guy in front of me. He was an Asian guy trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated. He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller says, "Fluctuations." The Asian guy says, "Fluc you whyte guys too!"

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.  Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check." "Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Sp! ike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!" When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen.  But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.  Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover the night after a business function. Cloudy-headed and in pain, he forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. Next to the aspirin and water stands a single red rose! He sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, cringes as he turns on the bathroom light and notices a post-in on the mirror: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Sheepishly, Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and almost broke your nose when you ran into th e bedroom door." "Okay...so, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, THAT! ...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed... ...'Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!'". Broken table - $200, Hot breakfast - $5, Red Rose bud - $3, Two aspirins - $0.25 - Saying the right thing, at the right time... PRICELESS !

"Get this." said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house. "Did he get anything." his mates asked. "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

A man is feeling very ill, goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to hospital to undergo tests. The man wakes up after the tests. He's in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty STD called S.H.A.G. It's a combination of Syphilis, Herpes, AIDS, & Gonorrhoea!" "Oh my God, doctor! What can you do for me?" "Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pitta bread." "Will that cure me?" "Well no, but it's the only food we can slip under the door..."

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit. Then I caught her spending:$65.00 on make-up,$150 for a cut & color, $30 for a manicure, $40 for a pedicure,$50 on vitamins, $300 on clothes and $600 for a gym membership.I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her. She said she needed it to look pretty for me.I told her that was what the beer was for!  I don't think she's coming back...

A woman's husband dies. He had left $30,000 to be used for an elaborate funeral. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that "there is absolutely nothing left from the $30,000." The friend asks, "How can that be?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost was $6,500. And of course I made a donation to the church -- that was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks -- you know. The rest went for the memorial stone". The friend says, "$22,500 for ... My God, how big is it?" The widow says, "Four and a half carats."

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello." "Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's." "That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs Ward. "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Doctor: "You need to have surgery, which will have 1% chance of successs. But I'm sure it will succeed for you." Patient: "Really? Why is that?" Doctor: "Because I have done it for 99 people before you and they died."

One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60." "That's still too expensive," the man says. "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10." "Marvellous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, ''How was the honeymoon?'' ''Oh, mama,'' she replied, ''the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...'' Suddenly she burst out crying. ''But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!'' ''Sarah,'' her mother said, ''calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?'' ''Please don't make me tell you, mama,'' wept the daughter, ''I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!'' ''Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset....Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!'' Still sobbing, the bride said, ''Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!''

Little Johnny was attending his first wedding. After the service, his Uncle Rodney asked him, "So Johnny, now that you've been to your first wedding, can you tell me how many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," Johnny responded. His Uncle was amazed that he had an answer so quickly and asked, "How do you know that?" "Easy," Little Johnny said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said, '4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer'."

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!" The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. "GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"

Mary Sue, who was blonde of course, was visiting the big city for the first time. She checks into her hotel and the bellboy takes her bags. She follows the boy, and as the door closes, she looks around and shakes her fist at him. "Young man -- I may be straight from the hills, but that don't mean I'm stupid! I paid *good* money and this room won't do at ALL! It's too small, there's no ventilation, no TV -- there's not even a BED!" "Ma'am, this is the elevator."

Teacher: "Peter how do you define a kilometre?" Peter: "It's easy sir even an infant could tell it." Teacher: "Then tell me." Peter: "Sir, a kilometre is the distance in meters you can travel by carrying a load of a kilogram."

Lawyer: "I have some good news and some bad news." Client: "Well, give me the bad news first." Lawyer: "The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene." Client: "Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?" Lawyer: "The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!"

Two blondes are walking down the road when one says ''Look at that dog with one eye!'' The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says ''Where?''

While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted. "My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Adam," replied the second. "My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua. Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Joshua. "No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.

A lawyer and two friends--a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man--had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn." "No problem," chimed the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening." With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!" That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

A man goes to a dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man. "No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. "I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!" The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection", the patient says, "I am fine with pills". The dentist left for a moment and when he returned, says "Here is a Viagra tablet." The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!" "It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth."

This is a story of two elderly people living in a mobile home park in Florida. He was a widower and she was a widow.  They had known one another for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the Club House, and the widower and widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening and spirits were high.  The widower sent a few admiring glances across the table, and the widow smiled coyly back at him. Finally, he plucked up his courage to ask her, " Will you marry me? " After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes. Yes, I will. " The meal ended with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective homes.  The next morning, the widower was troubled.  Did she say 'Yes' or did she say 'No'? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall.  He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him he could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.  As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'? "Why, you silly man, I said 'Yes.  Yes I will.'  And I meant it with all my heart." The widower was delighted.  He felt his heart skip a beat. Then she continued, "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me.

A woman called a local hospital . . . "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse." The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?" "Sarah Finkel, room 302." "I'll connect you with the nursing station . . . . " "3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?" "I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302." "Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well.  In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be  taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon." The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic . . . that's wonderful news!" The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!" "Neither! I AM Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me anything."

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch. Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000." "If you take out the supplemental GI insurance. which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000." "Now," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?"

An old couple was married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, their neighbors could hear screaming and yelling deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down."

Doctor: "Did you take the patient's temperature?" Nurse: "No. Is it missing?"

A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies, "No, just spots."

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (whose head gear partially blocked the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.  In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "i think i'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living  there." The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there."  The third guy said, "i want to go to Idaho,  there are only 25 nuns living there." One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm, voice said; "why don't you go to hell ... there aren't any nuns there."

Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?" "Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?" Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'." She said, "No, I'm not a widow." And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are".

About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line,but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back. As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises". She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home". So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5 They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship. PS - And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.

---

An old fellow fell in love with a lady. He got down on his knees and told her there were two things he would like to ask her. She replied, "OK." He said, "Will you marry me?" She replied, "Yes," then asked what his second question was. He replied, "Will you help me up?"

An award should go to the gate attendant at Luqa airport.  A crowded Malta-London flight was cancelled. She was the lone attendant in charge of re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS". The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: May I have your attention please? May I have your attention please?" she began.  With her voice being heard clearly throughout the terminal, she said, "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."  With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can of peaches. The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.  She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. He said, " What is it? " The husband said  "She also stole a can of peas."

A couple was dressed and ready to go out into the city for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my Mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me but it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school,  I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."

Two families moved from Afghanistan to America. When they arrived, the two fathers made a bet -- in a year's time whichever family had become more Americanized would win. A year later they met. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?" The second man replied, "Fuck you, towel head."

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." The chief nodded that it was so. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!"

"I can't figure it out," said a young boy, trying to get his father to help him with his math. "If a carpenter was paid twelve dollars a day, how much did he earn in five days?" "No wonder you can't figure it out," replied the father. "That's not math, that's ancient history."

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks." The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first." The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler," replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender. "Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said. The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said. So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender. "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man. With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop." The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle. The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!" The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England." One of the others said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics." The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States.

Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way." At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won't get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this." "Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began. "Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day." "In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him." "Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding." "No, mother," you don't understand. "I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!" "Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom. "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars." "No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket." "Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?" "Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said - 'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!"

A Mexican man becomes an instant millionaire after winning the lottery. With his newfound wealth, he decides on exactly what he will buy.He buys a 20 acre plot of land in Mexico and hires an architect. "I want mi casa to be built right there, with big columns in front, and a marble foyer, and at the end of the hall I want a halo statue." The architect, excited aboutmaking mega bucks off this man, jots down exactly what the Mexican wants,"I'll do it sir, I'll make this a fine house for you!" All the plans are made and the architect starts construction. He searches six different countries to find exquisite columns for the front of the house and has marble shipped in from France to line the foyer. The only problem he has is that he cannot locate a halo statue. Knowing that religious symbols are important to many Mexicans, he continues to search high and low for month after month. The house is finally complete, but alas, the architect was never able to locate a halo statue. Swallowing his pride for not being able to complete the order, he takes the Mexican to see his new home. "Si Senor!" exclaims the Mexican. "You got da columns in front of mi casa!" The architect smiles. They enter the house and the Mexican notices the marble floor. "Wonderful! I love mi new marble floor Senor!" states the Mexican as he wanders down the hall. He reaches the end of the hall and looks puzzled. "Senor? Where is my halo statue?" asks the Mexican. "Well, sir, I'm afraid to have to tell you this, but I searched high and low and just could not for the life of me figure out what a halo statue is, much less find one for you anywhere," says the architect, hanging his head in shame. "What? You don't know what a halo statue is?" "No, sir, I'm sorry, I do not know," replies the architect. "You know," says the Mexican, "it's that thing that goes 'ringy dingy' and you pick it up and say, 'halo? statue?"

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom!"

A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. The blonde approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."

Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer, or any physical sport?" "Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."

An FBI agent was talking to a bank teller, after the bank was robbed for the third time by the same bandit. "Did you notice anything special about the man?" he asked. "Yes, he seems better dressed each time," the teller replied.

My Mother taught me:

1) My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

2) My Mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

3) My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

4) My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

5) My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

6) My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

7) My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

8) My mother taught me about GENETICS... "You are just like your father!"

9) My mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"

10) My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand."

11) My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home."

12) My mother taught me about RECEIVING... "You are going to get it when we get home."

13) And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE... "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."

14) My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE... "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

15) My mother taught me RELIGION... "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

16) My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL... "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

---

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.  Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce.  Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and she would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused.  "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.   Jennifer told her mother who graciously said,  "Never mind sweetheart.  I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.   When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Are you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."  She just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

A guy in a bar stood up and shouted, "Lawyers are a**holes!" A guy at the other end of the bar shouted back "I resent that." The first guy asked "Are you a lawyer?"  The second guy responded "No, I'm an a**hole."

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people are put together like machines? You know, with separate parts you put together?" "Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother. The young boy answered "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained. "These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others. "The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior. After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said... "Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we're still on the RIGHT SIDE of the grass!"

Q. What's the most common cause of hearing loss in men? A. Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide." "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Today I pulled into a FULL service gas station, and asked the attendant for $5.00 worth of gas. He took my money, farted and walked away.

Two men are in court on drug charges. The judge says, “If, over the weekend, you can persuade enough people to give up drugs, I’ll let you two off.” Back in court on Monday, the judge asks for their results. “I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever,” the first man says. “That’s great,” the judge replies. “What did you tell them?” “I drew two circles; one big, one small. I told them the big circle was their brain before drugs, and the little circle was their brain after drugs.” The other defendant says, “I got 100 people to give up drugs!” “One hundred! How?” asks the judge. “Well, I drew the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and said, ‘This is your asshole before prison...’”

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." "OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

There was this man  who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms. One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off.  He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the sidewalk below skipping  along and whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life. He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked "Why are you so happy anyway ?" He said " I'm NOT happy, my ass itches."

Fascinating thing on an old tombstone: Sir John Strange. Here lies an honest lawyer, And that is Strange.

Harold was an old man who was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?" Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold had breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had be en given a urine bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So .. you know where the juice went! The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today ." At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time." The nurse fainted! Old Harold just smiled!

Every year John went to the Doctor for an annual exam. This year was no different. After the Doctor examined John, he told him: "You are in excellent health and I will see you again next year". John left the office and as he was walking back to his car he collapsed, apparently unconscious. As the next patient was going to the Doctor's office she noticed a collapsed man laying face down on the sidewalk facing the street. She reported to the nurse what she saw. The nurse ran out and saw it was John whom the doctor had just given a good bill of health. Immediately the nurse checked his pulse and found none. She ran back to the office and reported this incident to the Doctor and said "What should I do"? The Doctor said "Which way is he facing"? The nurse replied, "He is facing leaving the office". The Doctor replied: "Turn him around so he is facing coming into the office".

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not unsurprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by a chip monk.....

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."  "It's the act of doing things for other people." Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE: Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, Telephone Service, Civil Service , City & County Service, Customer Service Stations. Then I became confused about the "service."   This is not what I thought " service" meant. So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to " service" a few of his cows.  BAM!  It all came into perspective.  Now I understand what all those " service" agencies are doing to us. I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.

A farmer sent his nephew a crate of chickens, but the box burst open just as the boy started to take them out. The next day he wrote his uncle, "The crate broke, and all the chickens got away. I chased them all over God's green earth, but only got back eleven." The uncle wrote back: "You did all right. I only sent six."

School telephone answering machine:

This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) Staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school:

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:

"To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

"To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2

"To complain about what we do - Press 3

"To swear at staff members - Press 4

"To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

"If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

"If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

"To request another teacher for the third time this year- Press 8

"To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

"To complain about school lunches - Press 0

"If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!"

---

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as President. The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle." Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was. He said, "Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. That's a post turtle."

A man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a birthday/anniversary card. The clerk replied, "We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?" The man said, "You don't understand. I need a card that covers *both* events! You see, we're celebrating the fifth anniversary of my wife's thirty-fourth birthday..."

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old woman, entered the doctor's office.  "We have come for an examination" said the young girl. "Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off." "No, not me" said the girl. "it's my old aunt here." "Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

First man:  "My wife suggested that I take up a new sport this summer." Second man: "Well, that's nice. It shows that she has your interests at heart.  Did she make any suggestions?" First man:  "As a matter of fact, she did.  By the way, how do you play this Russian Roulette?"

Sally had lived a good life, having been married four times. Now she stood before the Pearly Gates. The angel at the gates said to her, "I see that you first of all married a banker, then an actor, next a pastor and lastly an undertaker. Why? This does not seem appropriate for a Christian woman." "Oh yes it is," Sally replied. "It's one for the money, two for the show, three to make ready and four to go."

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things. He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no, but explained the situation. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (whose head gear partially blocked the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think i'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living  there." The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there." The third guy said, "i want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there." One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm, voice said, "Why don't you go to hell ... there aren't any nuns there."

An office executive was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality. "If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?" "I'd have to say the living one."

For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn. A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts. Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed. "Yes," he replied, "She asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don't worry.  I told her I didn't know."

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy, did we go around and around! Just because I'm a blonde does not mean I'm automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year - namely, that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves.... There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up. I have not heard anything back.....

George, age 92 and Edith, age 89 are all excited about their decision to get married.They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. George suggests they go in and he addresses the man behind the counter. "Are you the owner? "The pharmacist answers, "Yes". We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" "Of course we do.""How about support hose for circulation?" "Definitely.""What about medicine for rheumatism, osteoporosis and arthritis?" "All kinds.""How about waterproof furniture pads and Depends?" "Yes, sir." "Hearing aide, denture supplies, sleeping pills, Geritol and Ensure?" "Absolutely.""You sell wheelchairs, walkers and canes?" "All kinds and sizes. Why all the questions?" George smiles and replies to the pharmacist, "we'd like to use your store for our Bridal Registry."

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic..."Try doing it with the engine running."

The passenger sat in the backseat, clutching the door handle and wondering if she could expect to survive the trip. The cabdriver sped through the crowded streets,weaving in and out of traffic. The passenger watched as one pedestrian after another ran to avoid being run down by her lunatic driver. She looked ahead and saw a truck double-parked on the narrow street,but not only did the taxi driver fail to slow down, he actually accelerated as he approached the truck. He slipped his cab through the available space with an inch or two to spare on either side. "Driver!" the passenger screamed,"Are you trying to get us both killed?" "Relax,lady," he said, "just do what I do. Close your eyes."

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian orgin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "Hellooooo," answered the blonde, "They're watch dogs!"

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married? Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl." "Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry." "Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one perfect girl. The only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything .. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me." "Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend. "She was looking for the perfect man," he said.

While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Billy Bob won 1st place- a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize- a toilet brush. About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great!, I love spaghetti!" Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush? "Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna switch back to paper."

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs." "Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her. "You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special." "How do you want your eggs?" "Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home...

An old man loved to tell jokes, so one day he was babysitting his two grandchildren, Dickie and Ricky. Grandpa took advantage of this situation, and pulling his two grandchildren aside, said, "So, Dickie, Rickie, how do you know you're getting old?" "You lose your hair!" said Dickie. "And you get all wrinkled up, Grandpa," said Ricky. Well, kids, that may be true, but the real reason you know you've gotten old is that you lose your memory. "And what's the other one, Grandpa?" "Well, um... I can't seem to remember..."

Two translators on a ship are talking. "Can you swim?" asks one. "No" says the other, "but I can shout for help in nine languages."

A factory owner said to a store owner, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you." "Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I argue every bill and always pay late." The factory owner said, "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred."

Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting. He's looking for a parking place, and can't find one. In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says, "God, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I'll eat only kosher, respect Shabbas, and all the holidays." Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face up to heaven and says, "Never mind, I just found one."

At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I who had been. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?" I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are: 'You're probably right.'" Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."

"May I go swimming, Mommy?" "No, you may not. There are sharks here." "But Daddy's swimming." "He's insured."

A very elderly gentleman (nineties), very well dressed, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into the "cocktail lounge" section at the senior center. Seated at the bar is an attractive elderly looking lady (mid-eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits alongside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

A well known diplomat had just returned from a weekend at a stately country home. When he was asked by a friend whether or not  he'd had a good time, he said: "If the soup had been as warm as the wine, and the wine as old as the chicken, and the chicken as tender as the upstairs maid, and the maid as willing as the Lady of the house, it would have been perfect."

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass and I'll inherit over 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his stepmother. Men will never learn.

Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it." So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!" Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!" Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix." So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died." The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.'' The brother thought about it and apologized. "So how's Mom?" asked the man. "She's on the roof and won't come down."

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me." For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together.  After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up. The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?" The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing." The wife said, "Seven weeks."

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star." Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"

A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them. "Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?" Joe answered the correct airline. "Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?" Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty. "Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?" And John answered, "Mom...."

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession. Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do- and he didn't seem overly concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. What he did was, he went into the boy's room and placed on his study  table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey... "Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up. If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be o.k. too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard - a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be." The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room. He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. What he finally did was, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink... "Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!"

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" she asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

THE ELDERLY: While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house. "Is that your grandmother?" I asked. "Yes, 'Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas." "How nice," I said. "Where does she live?" "At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her."

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and she was always correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"

A man and his wife were driving through Arkansas on their way from New York to California.  Looking at his fuel gauge, the man decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. "What can I do fer y'all?" the attendant asked. "Fill it with supreme, " the man said. While the attendant was filling the tank, he looked the car up, down and sideways.  "What kinda car is dis here?" he asked.  "I never seen one like it before." "It's a brand new Cadillac, "  the driver said proudly.  "It has power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a CD player, an 8-speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes, leather interior, digital instruments, a DVD player in the dash, etc...." "Wow, " said the attendant.  "That there's the fanciest car I ever did see." "How much do I owe you?"  asked the driver when the attendant had finished. "That'll be $30.25, " he replied.  The driver pulled out his money clip and peeled off a $20 and a $10.  Then he went into his pocket and pulled out a handful of change.  Mixed in with the change were a few golf tees. "What're them little things there?" asked the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive, "  said the man. "Goodness, " said the attendant.  "Them Cadillac people think of everything."

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN. This time he says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returns. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.

With a timid voice and idolizing eyes, the little boy greeted his father as he returned from work, "Daddy, how much do you make an hour?" Greatly surprised, but giving his boy a glaring look, the father said: "Look, son, not even your mother knows that. Don't bother me now, I'm tired." "But Daddy, just tell me please!? How much do you make an hour," the boy insisted. The father finally giving up replied, "Twenty dollars per hour." "Okay, Daddy? Could you loan me ten dollars?" the boy asked. Showing restlessness and positively disturbed, the father yelled, "So that was the reason you asked how much I earn, right? Go to sleep and don't bother me anymore!" It was already dark and the father was meditating on what he had said and was feeling guilty. Maybe his son wanted to buy something. Finally, trying to ease his mind, the father went to his son's room. "Are you asleep son?" asked the father. "No, Daddy. Why?" replied the boy partially asleep. "Here's the money you asked for earlier," the father said. "Thanks, Daddy!" rejoiced the son, while putting his hand under his pillow and removing some money. "Now I have enough! Now I have twenty dollars!" the boy said to his father, who was gazing at his son, confused at what his son just said. "Daddy could you sell me one hour of your time?"

In the back woods of Arkansas, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night. A doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous redneck busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there Enus!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor. The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, "Do ye think it's dat der light that's attractin' em?"

The teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals." The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?" The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

Three dogs were sitting in a bar: a German Shepherd, an English Bulldog, and a Chihuahua. A good looking female mastiff walked up to them and said, "The one who can best use the words "liver" and "cheese" in a sentence can have me." The shepherd said, "I love liver and cheese." The mastiff said, "That's not good enough." The bulldog said, "I hate liver and cheese." "Not creative enough," said the mastiff. With that, the chihuahua jumped off the barstool and in his best Latin accent, said, "Liver alone, cheese mine."

On their way to get married, a young couple was involved in a fatal car accident. They found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them. They began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter replied, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me find out," and he disappeared. Two months passed and the couple was still waiting. As they waited, they had time to discuss the ramifications of being allowed to marry in Heaven, along with the eternal aspects of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered. "Are we stuck together FOREVER?" After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking a bit bedraggled. "Yes," he informed them, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with frustration and maybe a tinge of un-angelic anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer."

One evening a man walked into a fast-food chicken place and bought a nine-piece bucket of chicken. He took his chicken to the park for a romantic picnic under the moonlight with his lady. Upon reaching into the bucket, however, he received a surprise. Instead of chicken he discovered what was apparently the restaurant's night deposit--nine thousand dollars. The young man brought the bucket back to the store and asked for his chicken in exchange for the money. The manager, in awe of the young man's honesty, asked for his name and told him he wanted to call the newspaper and the local news station to do a story on him. He would become a local hero, an example of honesty and morality that would inspire others! The hungry man shrugged it off. "My date's waiting. I just want my chicken." The manager's renewed amazement over the young man's humility almost overwhelmed him. He begged to be allowed to tell the story on the news. At this the honest man became angry with the manager and demanded his chicken. "I don't get it," the manager responded. "You are an honest man in a dishonest world! This is a perfect opportunity to show the world that there are honest people still willing to take a stand for what is right. Please, give me your name and also the woman's name. Is that your wife?" "That's the problem," said the young man. "My wife is at home. The woman in the car is my girlfriend. Now let me have my chicken so I can get out of here."

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away. The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone. A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

The results of a recent survey have been released. It was a poll on how women felt about the size of their ass. The findings of the study are very interesting: 85% of women think their ass is too big, 10% of women think their ass is too small. And 5% of women say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire:

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

-----

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

A driver did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.  The tailgating woman behind him went ballistic, pounding on her horn and screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to drive through the intersection with him. Still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm awfully sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk." "Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad. I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial. My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."

So this rope walks into a bar and says, "Get me a beer!" The bar tender replies, "We don't serve beers to ropes here." So the rope walks out and sees this guy walking down the sidewalk and says, "Tie me in a knot and fray the end." So the guy does. Then the rope walks back in the bar and says, "Get me a beer!" The bar tender replies, "Aren't you the same rope who just came in here?" The rope says, “I’m a Fraid Knot!"

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favourite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's back, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll shoot." The bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a translator was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The translator answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with a "little" stowed away rum. Unfortnately he got drunk and was still drunk the next morning. The captain saw him drunk and when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship's log: "The first mate was drunk today." "Captain please don't let that stay in the log", the mate said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself." "Is it true?" asked the captain, already knowing the answer. "Yes, its true" the mate said. "Then if it is true it has to go in the log. That's the rule. If its true it goes into the log, end of discussion" said the captain sternly. Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entries. The first mate wrote: "The ship seems in good shape. The captain was sober today."

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!" "Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said the man. Six months later the doctor met the man on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars." "Is that so! How?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING "MARVELOUSLY MATURE" WHEN.............

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together. 2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any. 3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal. 4. Your back goes out but you stay home. 5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture. 6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch. 7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio. 8. When happy hour is a nap. 9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does. 10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it. 11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age. 12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there. 13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up. 14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired. 15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer. 16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr. 17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. 18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend. 19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot. 20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals. 21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good. 22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work. 23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time. 24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there. 25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good. 26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore. 27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. 28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

---

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of 110. He left 4 children, 20 grand-children, 30 great- grandchildren, 10 great-great- grand-children and a fifty-foothole where the crematorium used to be.

The class assignment was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Billy got up and began reading, "Papa fell in the well last week...". "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Smith. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said little Billy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

A father & son went to the dog pound to get the son a dog. After about an hour of looking them all over the father asked him which one he wanted. He had looked at them all and watched them all but one kept wagging his tail when he talked to him. He finally said to his father, "I want the one with the happy ending."

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes, Yes, I will," The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist. He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better. The psychiatrist asked him a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face. Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. He said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," he replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"

Melvin was playing football very badly. He tried to kick a goal and missed. Finally, He threw himself down on the bench and said in disgust, "Boy, I could just kick myself." The coach looked the other way. "Don't bother," he said, "you'd probably miss."

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window and flipped open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter. The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter. After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's home, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000. The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long." He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out." The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap." The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..." The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy...I'm Ellen."

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

The passenger sat in the backseat, clutching the door handle and wondering if she could expect to survive the trip. The cabdriver sped through the crowded streets,weaving in and out of traffic. The passenger watched as one pedestrian after another ran to avoid being run down by her lunatic driver. She looked ahead and saw a truck double-parked on the narrow street,but not only did the taxi driver fail to slow down, he actually accelerated as he approached the truck. He slipped his cab through the available space with an inch or two to spare on either side. "Driver!" the passenger screamed,"Are you trying to get us both killed?" "Relax,lady," he said, "just do what I do. Close your eyes."

One day two cows were chatting over the fence between their two fields. The first cow said, "I'm telling you, this mad cow disease is getting pretty scary! I've heard it's spreading so fast that it's already on Farmer Bill's land just down the road!" The second cow replied, "So what? It doesn't affect us chickens!"

One day I noticed my sister wasn't wearing a watch. When I asked her about it, she replied, "I don't need a watch. At home there's a clock in every room, and in the car there's a clock on the dashboard." Knowing my sister's an avid shopper, I inquired, "Well, how do you tell time when you're shopping?" "That's easy," she replied. "I buy something else and look at the time printed on the sales receipt."

Message on the School Answering Machine:

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
To complain about what we do - Press 3
To cuss out staff members - Press 4
To ask why you didn't get needed information that was already enclosed
in your newsletter and several bulletins mailed to you - Press 5
If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
To complain about school lunches - Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's NOT the teacher's fault for your child(ren)'s lack of effort - HANG UP and HAVE A NICE DAY!!!"

Yes, being over 50 does have its advantages... 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run into a burning building. 4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m. 9. You can live without sex (but not without glasses). 10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. 11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans. 12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 15. You sing along with the elevator music. 16. Your eyes won't get much worse. 17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service. 19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. 21. You can't remember who sent you this.

"Why the big smile?" Bill asked his buddy, Jim. "My wife just ran off with my best friend." Jim replied. "Do I know him?" Bill inquired. "No." Jim replied. "And neither do I!"

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms.

One day the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, 'I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.' An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?' Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible! 'What happened?' they asked. 'Well,' said Moishe, 'first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.' 'And then?' asked a woman. 'I don't know,' said Moishe. 'He took out his lunch and I took out mine.'

A lady walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. The pharmacist asks, "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" The lady says, "To kill my husband." "I can't sell you any for that reason." says the pharmacist. The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a women in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the pharmacist's wife.  She hands him the photo. He looks at the photo and says, "Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription!"

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say?" asked the nurse. "Oops!"

Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams. "I dreamed I was on vacation," one man said fondly. "It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream." "I had a great dream too," said the other. "I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life." His companion looked over and exhorted, "You dreamed you had two women, and you didn't call me?" "Oh, I did," said the other, "but when I called, your wife said you'd gone fishing."

My stupid brother got his 4th child. He fills data in the birth certificate... Mother: English. Father: English. Kid: Chinese. "How come you write 'Chinese' when both parents are English?" "Aah" says my stupid brother, "I read in a newspaper that every 4th person born on the Earth now is Chinese!"

Once there was a Scottish Accountant. The business had been in the family for generations and generations. Over time, with the countless clients that had gone in and out of the office, the marble step in front of the building had developed a big, deep dip in it from all the wear and tear. His friends kept telling the accountant that he had better get it replaced, otherwise he'd be sued for everything he had if anyone ever slipped and fell. Reluctantly, the accountant called a stonemason to get a quote for the repairs. When the stonemason got there the accountant demanded a price for a new step. 'Aye, big job that'. said the stonemason, 'But I suppose I could give you a new step for a hundred pounds'. The accountant was stunned. 'Are you daft, man. I canna pay you a hundred pounds! Thinking about it for a second he turned to the stonemason and asked: 'What would you charge me to dig up the step and turn it over so that the worn part is in the ground and I'd get a new square step? The stonemason hesitated. '20 pounds'. 'Do it!' demanded the accountant, 'and call me when you're done.' The accountant went back inside to his books, but after only 15 minutes the stonemason rang the bell. As the accountant opened the door he saw the stonemason standing in a hole with the step, laughing as he said 'Your great-great-great granddaddy thought of that a hundred and fifty years ago!!'

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning. During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up. "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up. "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up. "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?" All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

A man was in bad shape. He constantly gasped for breath and his eyes bulged. The doctors didn't give him long to live. He decided to live it up. Withdrawing all of his money from the bank, he went on a shopping spree. His last stop was at the most expensive haberdashery in the city. He pointed out a dozen silk shirts. He wore a size fourteen. The clerk said, "Your neck looks bigger than fourteen. You need a sixteen." The man said, "I know my size. I want them in a fourteen." The clerk said, "I'll get them for you, but I want to warn you...if you wear a fourteen you'll gasp all day and your eyes will bulge."

A man and woman are having marriage problems, and decide to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple goes to court to finalize their break-up. The judge asks the husband, "What has brought you to the point that you are now at, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?" The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing." The wife says, "Seven weeks."

Darryl and Harold were in a mental institution. The place had an unusual annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions. If they got them correct, they were deemed cured and free to go. Darryl was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. Darryl said "yes" and the doctor proceeded. "Darryl, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?" Darryl said, "I'd be half blind." "That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?" "I'd be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Darryl's hand, and told him he was free to go. On Darryl's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Darryl mentioned the exam to Harold, who was seated in the waiting room. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers. So Harold went into the doctor's office when he was called. The doctor went thru the formalities and then asked, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?" Remembering what Darryl had told him, he answered, "I'd be half blind." The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off the other ear?" "I'd be completely blind," Harold answered. "Harold, can you explain how you'd be blind?" "My hat would fall down over my eyes."

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along. "I'll never take her along with me again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!" "Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said. The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "May I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism. They went over and talked to him. John decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic, which made them all very happy. They took him to church, and the priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and, just at supper time, when the neighborhood was settling down to their cold tuna fish dinner, the smell of steak cooking on a grill came wafting into their homes. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

At the end of his sermon Father O'Brian turned to his listeners and said: "Now, let me ask you. Which of you thinks truly he is bound for Paradise? Would you please stand?" He was pleased to note that nearly all of his parishioners stood up. "That's good," he exclaimed. "But now, let me ask you. Which of you thinks he is bound for Hell? Would you stand?" After a few seconds, Jack Burke slowly got to his feet, and remained standing as the priest eyed him with sadness. Afterwards, as the worshippers filed out, Father O'Brian pulled Jack aside and asked him, "Now, Jack, what is it that makes you fear you're bound for Hell?" To which he responded, "O, Father, I have no fear for my own outcome, but I did feel sorry for you standing up there all by yourself."

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!"

German scientists dug 50 meters down and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone net. Naturally, the Russian government was not that easily impressed.  They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper.  100 meters down they found small pieces of glass and they soon announced that the ancient Russians 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fibre net. American scientists were outraged by this.  They dug 200 meters down & found absolutely nothing.  They happily concluded that the ancient Americans 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

Winters are fierce in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman. Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the landlord asked, "Didn't you like the muffs?" The foreman said, "They're a thing of beauty." "Why don't you wear them?" The foreman explained, "I was wearing them the first day, but somebody offered to buy me a drink and I didn't hear him!"

In my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service." "The act of doing things for other people." Then I heard the terms: Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, Telephone Service, Civil Service, Selective Service, City/County Public Service, Customer Service, Service Stations..... I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant. Then today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows. SHAZAM! It suddenly all came into clear perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.....

A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked,"Singh Jr. what is your problem?" Singh Jr. answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" Ms Neelam had enough. She took Singh Jr. to the principal's office. While Singh Jr. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed. Singh Jr. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Singh Jr.: "9". Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Singh Jr.: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think Singh Jr. can go to the third-grade." If you don't feel embarrassed please read further... Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?" The principal and Singh Jr. both agree. Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Singh Jr., after a moment "Legs." Ms Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Singh Jr.: "Pockets." Ms Neelam: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Singh Jr.: "Pants" Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Singh Jr.: Coconut Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Singh Jr. was taking charge. Singh Jr.: Bubblegum. Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer... Singh Jr.: Shake hands Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay? Singh Jr.: Yep. Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Singh Jr.: Tent Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg. Singh Jr.: Wedding Ring Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Singh Jr.: Nose Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Singh Jr.: Arrow Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement? Singh Jr.: Firetruck Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont get it u have to use ur hand. Singh Jr.: Fork Ms Neelam: What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse? Singh Jr.: TALK Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married? Singh Jr.: SURNAME Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ? Singh Jr.: HEART. The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send Singh Jr. to Delhi University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer." A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

A Delta Air Lines jet was traversing Arizona on a clear day.  The co-pilot was bombarding passengers with remarks about landmarks over the PA system. "Coming up on the right side of our cabin, you can see Meteor Crater. A major tourist attraction in northern Arizona, it was formed when a lump of nickel and iron weighing 300,000 tons, 150 feet across, struck the earth at 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep." From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim: "Wow! It just missed the highway!"

"How much are the bagels?" "40 cents for two." "How much for one?"  "25 cents" "Then I'll take the other one."

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."

Right now President Bush is in Europe, he's in Germany, and he stopped in Frankfurt and he got off the plane and he electrified the crowd with "Ich Bin ein frankfurter."

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you." "I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

This F-16 pilot ran out of fuel and decided to put it down on a road. He managed to coast into a gas station and said to the attendant, "Fill 'er up!" The attendant just looked at the pilot. "Bet you don't get too many airplanes asking for a fuel," said the pilot. The attendant replied, "True, most pilots use the airport over there." 

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball.  It goes sailing over the fairway  and lands in the water trap. Not in the least concerned by this, Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Next, Jesus steps to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. But not in the least concerned, Jesus walks on the  water and chips the ball onto the green. Finally the old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap, but a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies off over the green, where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of it's mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one. Not impressed, Jesus turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fucking around, we won't bring you next time."

There are two Irish fellows, Paddy and Murphy, in a bar in the wild west who are totally drunk. All of a sudden, a man walks into the bar with a red Indian's head under his arm. The barman shakes his hand and says, "I fucking hate Indians, last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, raped my wife and killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head of a red Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars." The two Irish fellows look at each other and walk out of the bar to go looking for an Indian.  They've been walking around for a while when suddenly they see one, so Paddy throws a stone which hits the Indian right on the head.  The Indian falls off his horse but lands seventy feet down a ravine, so the two Irish men make their way down the ravine where Paddy starts sawing the Indian's head off. Whilst in the middle of doing this, Murphy suddenly says, "Paddy, look at this." Paddy replies, "Not now, I'm busy." Murphy tugs him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this." Paddy keeps on sawing and says, "Look, fuck off, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand." But Murphy's adamant.  "Please, Paddy look at this." So Paddy finally looks up and standing at the top of the ravine are 5,000 red Indians.  Paddy shakes his head in disbelief and says, "Fuck me, we're going to be millionaires!"

The teacher says, "Let's discuss what your fathers do for a living." Mary says, "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts bad guys in jail." Jack says, "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all sick people better." The teacher says, to Dirty Johnny, "John, what does your Dad do?" Johnny says, "My Dad is dead." She says, "I'm sorry to hear that. But what did he do before he died?" Johnny says, "He turned blue and shit on the carpet."

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'" The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit! What happened next?'"

A group of nuns were travelling in a car when it had a flat tire. They got out and try to change it, but being rather unworldly, they don't really know how. Luckily, a truck came along and the driver offered to change it for them. They gratefully accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack and he yelled, "Son-of-a-bitch" The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language." "Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost smashing his fingers. "Son-of- a-bitch," he yelled again. "Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us." "But I get so upset, and it just comes out." "Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me.'" So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. And again it slipped. He started to say "Son.." but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus, help me." At that, the car miraculously rose into the air all by itself. The nuns looked at the car in wonder, exclaiming in unison, "Son-of-a-bitch!"

A man went in for a brain transplant operation and was offered a choice of two brains by the surgeon. He could choose either the architect's brain which would cost him $10,000 or the politician's which would cost $100,000. "Does that mean that the politician's brain is much better than the architect's?" asked the man. "Not exactly," replied the surgeon, "the politician's has never been used."

Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down:

10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..
6. Elvis is leaving the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....
1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

Two Priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.  As the blonde passed them she smiled and said... "Good Morning Father... Good Morning Father." nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.  These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!  Once again, in their new attire they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.  After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.  Again she nodded at each of them, said... "Good morning Father... Good morning Father." and started to walk away. One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said... "Just a minute young lady..." "Yes, Father?" "We are Priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are Priests, dressed as we are?" "Father...it's me, Sister Katherine!" she replied.

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the most religious. "I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim. "Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we were being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred meters all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Koran by memory." "One day while fishing," started the Christian, "I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 meters all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children about Him." "One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew. "I was in my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand inside and found a million dollars in cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on Saturdays. But I did not lose my faith in Jehovah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 500 feet all around me, it was Tuesday!"

"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir," urged the street vendor. "I haven't got a wife," replied the young man. "Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart." "I don't have a sweetheart, either." "Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Norman & his wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car to the even numbered side of the street. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again to the odd numbered side of the street. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..........." Then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face, she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time, honey?"

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?" The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What else?" The monkey motioned "kissing." "They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer. The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked." The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?" "Driving" motioned the monkey.

A father brought his son into the doctor because the boy had a matchbox car shoved up his nose. All the while the doctor was trying to remove the car, the father kept saying: "I don't know how he did it!" Finally the doctor removed the car, and the father and son left. A few hours later, the father came back with the matchbox shoved up HIS nose. He told the doctor, "I know how he did it!"

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible . The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out." "What's that, Joey?" asked Goldblatt. "Well, according to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?" "Right." "And the Children of Israel beat up the Phillistines, right?" "Er, right." "And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?" "Again you're right." "And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?" "All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?" "What were all the grown-ups doing?"

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. "Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

The psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "Mr. Black is in the waiting room asking to see you again. This time he claims he's invisible." The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski  jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they  said.... FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies:  "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you." She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear  just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child,"  said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick." "Huh," the younger doctor said. "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?" "Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, noticed the preacher under the bed."

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy" "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Oh Shit! A talking chicken!'"

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up, rubbed it and a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was entitled to three wishes. The Genie said: "No... ! Due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third world countries and  fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So what'll it be?" The woman didn't hesitate. She said : "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other." The Genie looked at the map and  exclaimed "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm GOOD, but not THAT good! No...I don't think it can be done. Make another wish!" The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time and is faithful!! That's what I wish for...a good mate." The Genie let out a long sigh and said : "Let me look at that fricken map again!"

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests. The last test had left his system upset. For hours he made several false-alarm trips to the bathroom. Finally giving up on going, he decided his latest urge to go to the bathroom was just another false alarm, so he stayed put.  He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea! He was SOOOO embarrassed! Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. As luck would have it, a drunk was walking by the hospital. Suddenly, the sheets landed on him!  He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What in the world was that all about?" Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get too violent when you're drink."

A blind man is sitting on a park bench. A Rabbi sits down beside him and starts to eat some matzos (a flat thin rough surfaced unleavened bread eaten during the Passover). He gives a piece to the blind man. A couple of minutes later, the blind man says "Who wrote this junk?"

A man walks into the doctor's office with a serious problem! "Doctor, I've had problems with silent gas emissions. At home, work, and even at church, I release tons of silent farts everywhere I go! As a matter of fact I've had three sitting here talking to you. What are we going to do?" The doctor replies: "The first thing we're going to do is check your hearing."

"Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. "Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Merry Christmas Buddy!"

A Chinese couple named Wong have a new baby.  The doctor brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian, white baby boy! "Congratulations," says the doctor to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?" The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says.......... "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and begins talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large." Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.He asks, "And what are those?" The Aussie, fed up with the Texan's bragging replies with an incredulous look, "What, don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter. The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter. After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's home, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000. The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends andrelatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says she cannot tell. They argue all afternoon whether it is a son of a birch or a son of a beech. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you end this argument and tell us if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

A policeman saw a man dressed in full cowboy garb -- hat, chaps, duster, six-shooters, boots and spurs -- standing on a street corner in a busy city. He approached the cowboy and asked him his name. "Call me Tex!" was the cowboy's reply. "Well, Tex, where are you from, Texas?" the policeman asked. "Nah, I'm from Louisiana, but I couldn't very well have you call me Louise!"

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am." The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks. "Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, I have not, reverend." The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

John was talking to his friend in school. My father does not know whether to buy a bicycle or a cow. Susan tried to give some advice. 'Your father would look silly riding a cow' 'And he would look sillier milking a bicycle' replied John.

A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone." The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My stars, how big was it?" The widow says, "Three carats!"

A blonde goes to a store's deodorant display and tells the clerk, "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband." "Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk. "No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the "lady in labor" call.  The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.  Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while, Connor was born.  The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.  Connor began to cry.  The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, smack his butt again!"

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth.  A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands." The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong. "Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?" Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing is wrong with them!!!" At this point the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back??"

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon." The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "You're wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun." They began to argue when they come upon a third drunk. They asked, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?" The third drunk looked at the sky, shrugs and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over. The police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde. She asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?' Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!" The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license", then handed it to the blonde policewoman. The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. A telephone company repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or the senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.  Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called. 4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and  occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.....big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS. He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know." "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom." "Ah, yes," said the Bobbie..."Just follow me." He leads him to a back "delivery alley," then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away,..anywhere you want." The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges,  and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he zips down and unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie "That was really decent of you ....is that "British Hospitality?" "No" replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, "that is the French Embassy."

A man owned a small farm in West Texas. The Wage and Hour Department of Texas claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent. "Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit that works about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I buy him chewing tobacco," replied the farmer. "That's the guy I want to talk to: the half-wit," says the agent. The farmer says, "Ahhh... That would be me."

A certain junior son, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire himself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.  He went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for him to do. "Well, you can paint my porch.  How much will you charge?" The junior son said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told him that the paint and other materials that he might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband: "Does he realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "He should. He was standing on it." A short time later, the junior son came to the door to collect his money. "You're finished already?" the homeowner asked. "Yes," the junior son answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the junior son added, "it's not a Porch; it's a Ferrari."

Walking into the bar Henry said, "Pour me a stiff one Eddie, I just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah!" said Eddie, "And how did this one end?" "When it was over, she came to me on her hands and knees." "Really, now that's a switch. What did she say?" "She said, "Come out from under the bed you little chicken shit."

There was once a man who put an ad in country weeklies throughout the state of Illinois, saying: "Sure way to kill potato bugs: send $2.50 for a recipe that cannot fail." He had to hire a dray to handle the mail that came in, and inside of two weeks more than seven thousand Illinois farmers had sent in their money. After a while, when they got no response, a group of them armed themselves with heavy clubs and went to the address mentioned in the ad. They were told at the office that the potato-bug man had been called to Europe on business, and all he had left behind was a package containing several thousand slips of paper on which were printed: "Put your bug on a shingle. Then hit it with another shingle."

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!" The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?" Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!". The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?" The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train." The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General continued "I got this dog for my wife." The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

A policeman was interviewing three blondes who wanted to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it. "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" The first blonde answered, "That's easy! We'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman said, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashed the picture at the second blonde and said, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggled, flipped her hair and said, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily replied, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing, because this is a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he showed the picture to the third blonde and said, in a very testy voice, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" He quickly added, "And think hard before answering, so you don't say something completely idiotic." The blonde looked at the picture intently for a moment and said, "Hmmmm...The suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman was stunned speechless, because he honestly didn't know whether the suspect wore contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that." He left the room and went to his office, checked the suspect's file in his computer, and came back beaming. "Wow!" he said, "I can't believe it...It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! But how were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses, because he only has one eye and one ear."

John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through." The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through--over the balcony railing. Just then John's date walked out. "Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" "To tell the the truth, " he replied, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families. Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do." Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't." Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.  Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Timmy?" "My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your freakin' cat!"

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch. 1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer. 2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply. 3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying. 4. There are some things even a rat won't do.

A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission. Repeated requests for repair brought only promises. After several days, the phone company was again contacted and told that there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine--except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call. A repairman arrived within the hour!

Five doctors went to on a duck hunt: a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist. After a while a bird came winging overhead, the GP raised his shogun but didn’t shoot because he wasn’t sure if it was a duck or not. The pediatrician also raised his gun, but then he wasn’t sure if it was a male or female duck, so he didn’t shoot. The psychiatrist raised his gun and then thought, I know that’s a duck, but does the duck know it’s a duck?” The surgeon was the only one who shot. Boom!! He blew it away. Then he turned to the pathologist and said, “Go see if that was a duck.”

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant. "I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."

A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident. Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now! Nurse: What is it? Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!

Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident: Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: I could have traveled by bus. A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows: Q: What warning did you give the other party before the collision? A: Horn Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo!

I was on the porch having coffee and reading the paper yesterday morning when the wifely person came out, sat down, grabbed the Variety section and started doing the crossword puzzle. She worked at it for some minutes and was making pretty good progress when she apparently ran across a clue in German which required an answer that was also in German.  Somewhat frustrated, she said, "Nuts!  I can't spell in German." "Oh I can," I replied, and continued on before she could read me the clue, "I-N  G-E-R-M-A-N." Not missing a beat, she shot back: "That's too many letters."

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed. For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad. Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad. Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned. Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!" The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face". "Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"? "Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?" Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?" The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make." And she says, "So have I, love." To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them.

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks "He can drink?" "Oh, sure. He can drink." So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?" The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?" The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty more of them."

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off. "You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand." "No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it." "Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water." Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!" "Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

A courtroom where a witness is testifying in a case involving a man biting off the ear of another man during a fight. After supplying testimony which was very bad for the defendant, the witness was being cross examined by the defendant's attorney. Attorney: You said that you saw the defendant and the plaintiff in a fight? Witness: Yes. Attorney: You then said that you were concerned for your safety and that, because of this concern, you sought shelter elsewhere? Witness: Yes. Attorney: You further stated that during this time of seeking shelter, you turned your back to the fight at hand? Witness: Yes. Attorney: And THEN you testified that that was when the defendant bit off the plaintiff's ear??!! Witness: Yes. Attorney: Well, that makes for an interesting question then! If your back was turned to the fight then you obviously MUST have had the plaintiff and the defendant out of your field of vision, correct? Witness: Yes, correct. Attorney: Well then, did you SEE the defendant bite off the plaintiff's ear? Witness: No. Attorney: (Smugly) THEN HOW DO YOU "KNOW" THAT THE DEFENDANT BIT OFF THE EAR OF THE PLAINTIFF IF YOU DID NOT SEE HIM DO IT??!! Witness: I saw him spit it out. (Dead Silence) Attorney: No more questions...