Manager: "So you want the day off .... Let's take a look at what you are asking for... There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two days off per week, leaving 251 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours a day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 81 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks, that accounts for 23 days a year leaving 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available. You normally spend 2 days sick per year, this now only leaves you 20 days available. You get 5 days public holidays a year, so your working time is now down to 15 days a year. We generously give you a 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only 1 day available for work. So if you think you are going to that day off, You out of your mind!!!!"
A disappointed salesman of a famous Cola Co. returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?" The salesman explained "When I got posted in the Middle East , I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters... First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand...totally exhausted and fainting. Second poster: The man is drinking our Cola. Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed. And Then these posters were pasted all over the place. "Then that should have worked!" said the friend. "The hell it should have!? said the salesman. "I didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left!"
How Italians do business:
Luigi (father): 'I want you to marry a girl of my
choice.'
Son: 'I will choose my own bride!!!'
Luigi: 'But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter..'
Son: 'Well, in that case . . . ok'
Next Luigi approaches Bill Gates.
Luigi: 'I have a husband for your daughter...'
Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!!'
Luigi: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank'
Bill Gates: 'Ah, in that case . . . ok'
Finally Luigi goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Luigi: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.'
President: 'But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!'
Luigi : 'But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law.'
President: 'Ah, in that case . . . ok'
And that, my friends, is how Italians do business.
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.Then they never saw the man nor his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.....
Engineers and scientists will never make as
much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical
proof that explains why this is true:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows, Power = Work / Time-
Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have
Knowledge = Work / Money
Solving for Money, we get Money = Work / Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity
regardless of the Work done.
Conclusion: The Less you Know, the more money you Make.
Sound familiair?
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be in IT," said the balloonist."I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f**king fault."
How To Properly Place New Employees:
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has beenmoved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.
The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: Management.
Company policy:
Start with a cage containing 5 monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all of the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the rest of the monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, put away the cold water, remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original 5 monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace the original 3rd monkey with a new one. then the 4th, then the 5th. Most of the monkeys taking part in the beatings have no idea why they are not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the punishment of the newest monkey. After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know, that's the way it's always been done around here.
And that, my friends, is how company policy begins.
---
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys: all on different levels, some climbing up. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
Zakenman: "Er bestaat maar 1 manier om eerlijk je geld te verdienen." Andere zakenman: "En dat is?" Eerste zakenman: "Ik dacht al dat je het niet wist."
"Marketing management" - Below are fine examples of what happens when marketing translations fail to reach a foreign country in an understandable way:
Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem-Feeling Free", was translated into the Japanese market as "When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read English.
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into "Schweppes Toilet Water."
Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave," in Chinese.
When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go."
After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
---
Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to an international business conference when they were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout. "You, your companies, and you countries are enemies of the Revolution," screamed the terrorist leader, "and you're going to be executed! Do you have any last requests?" The Englishman spoke first. "Before I die, I want to honor my country and protest this barbaric act by singing "God Save The Queen" to all you men." "That can be arranged," said the terrorist. The Frenchman said, "And I want to honor my country before I die by singing "The Marseilles" to your men." The Japanese said, "Before I die, I wish to honor my country by giving the lecture I was going to present on the Japanese style of industrial management." The terrorist turned finally to the American. "What is your last request?" The American replied, "I want you to kill me right now so I don't have to listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial management!"
21 Things You Wish You Could Say At Work:
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
3. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word.
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself
in public.
5. Ahh, I see the screw up fairy has visited again.
6. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
7. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
8. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
artist.
9. Someday we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change
the subject.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about
you.
11. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
12. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.
13. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
14. What am I? Flypaper for geeks?
15. I'm not being rude. You're just insignifigant.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique
point of view.
17. It's a thankless job, but I've got Karma to burn off.
18. No, my powers can be used only for good.
19. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to
worship me.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. How about "never"? Is "never" good for
you?
---
The laws of golf:
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
CEO Party:
A CEO, at a major company, throwing a party, takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to he other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!" Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes. The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you." The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who pushed me in the pool!!"
---
When a man spends his own money to buy
something for himself,
he is very careful about how much he spends and how he spends it.
When a man spends his own money to buy something for someone else,
he is still very careful about how much he spends but
somewhat less,
on what he spends it.
When a man spends someone else's money to buy something for
himself,
he is very careful about what he buys but doesn't care at all how
much he
spends.
And when a man spends someone else's money on someone else,
he doesn't care how much he spends or on what he spends it.
And . . . that's government for you.
Inspirational Posters For The Cubicle Era:
** Rome did not create a great empire by having
meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
** If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you
probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the
situation.
** Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the
job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
** Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
** Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
** A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a
scapegoat.
** If at first you don't succeed, try management.
** Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
** TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
** The beatings will continue until morale improves.
** Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large
groups.
** We waste time, so you don't have to.
** Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
** Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent
slacker.
** A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
** When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
** INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
** Succeed in spite of management.
** Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment
What Store Employees Really Mean:
1. "Can I help you get a size?"
(Don't touch that, I just spent an hour folding it and I don't
need your hands messing it up again.)
2. "Do you need help with anything?"
(Quick, my manager is coming around the corner and I need to look
busy.)
3. "Welcome to (Store Name Here)"
(Good, another customer to mess up my entire store just to buy a
pair of socks.)
4. "Have a nice day!"
(Now that you ruined mine.)
5. "Thank you for shopping at (Store Name Here)"
(Thanks for emptying your wallet with us!)
6. "Do you need a shopping cart to help you carry your items?"
(The more you can carry, the more you can buy!)
7. "I love your shirt! Where did you get it?"
(Your shirt is much nicer than the clothes we sell here. Why are
you even shopping here?)
8. "Can I help you get something down?"
(I'll get a ladder and put it up for you since this other nice
customer put in the absolute wrong place.)
9. "Don't worry about folding it, I can do it"
(You would just mess it up again if you folded it.)
10. "No, we don't have any more in the back"
(I just don't want to check.)
An employee approached his boss and asked for a raise. "Well" began the head man, "business is bad now, Frank and I just can't afford to give you a raise." "But I'm doing the three men's work and I always have..." retorted Frank. "Three men's work?" exploded the boss. "Tell me who the other two are, and I'll fire them!"
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway?" The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for the rest of the day."
---
Top ten things that sound dirty in golf
but aren't:
10. Nuts! ...my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out
of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread
your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and
drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't
get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow
through has a lot to be desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
1. Hold up...I need to wash my
balls first!
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.
Me -vs- Da Boss:
When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're apple polishing. When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick. When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
--
Advise: One of the best ways of avoiding necessary and even urgent tasks is to seem to be busily employed on things that are already done.
A company, feeling it is time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200 a week. Why?" The CEO hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!" Surprisingly, the guy takes the cash with a smile, says "Yes sir! Thank you, sir!" and leaves. Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
A company chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to the company's Quality Assurance Manager. The next morning, the chairman asked him how he enjoyed it, and, instead of a few plausible observations, he was handed a memorandum which read as follows; For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier. Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes. In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony.
Enquête van de Verenigde Naties:
The U.N. conducted a worldwide survey last
month. The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions
to the food shortage in the rest of the world".
The survey was a HUGE failure.
In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't now what 'honest' meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.
In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant.
In Denmark they didn't know what 'please' meant.
And in the United States,.... they didn't know what 'the rest of
the world' meant.
The History Of Casual Day:
Memo No. 1: Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.
Memo No. 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Memo No. 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Memo No. 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Memo No. 5: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.
Memo No. 6: The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
Memo No. 7: Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.
Job Interview Answers for
Tough Questions...:
Question : Why did you leave your last job?
Real answer : It sucked.
Suggestion : I felt my talents and abilities were underutilized.
Question : What are your biggest weaknesses?
Real answer : I can't concentrate for more than five minutes,
hate all forms of authority, and tend to fall asleep at my desk.
Suggestion : I'm a workaholic. I just don't know when to put down
my work.
Question : You seem to have moved around a lot in a short amount
of time. Why should we think you'll stay here any longer than you've
stayed elsewhere?
Real answer : My employers have always had a hang-up about
keeping only non-competent employees.
Suggestion : I'm at a point in my career where I am tired of
moving around. I really want to feel part of a team, a long-term
enterprise, where I can make a contribution.
Question : How do you handle change?
Real answer : I deal with it everyday unless I'm out of clean
underwear.
Suggestion : I think everyone knows that today the only constant
is change. I thrive on it.
Question : : How do you get along with others?
Real answer : I hate people, as long as they stay out of my face.
Suggestion : I think the interpersonal dynamics of the work place
can be among the most satisfying aspects of any job.
Question : What does the word success mean to you?
Real answer : It means that I don't have to drag my sorry butt
out of bed to kiss yours.
Suggestion : Success, for me, would be knowing I am making a
difference working with a team of people to make a more
profitable enterprise.
Question : What does the word failure mean to you?
Real answer : It means I continue to collect unemployment
insurance, with the hope of a 6 month extension.
Suggestion : Failure? I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean. That
word is not in my vocabulary.
Question: Do you get along with your current boss?
Real answer: I get along fine considering what kind of a
malicious jerk he is.
Suggestion : I don't think I'd call him a boss; he's been more of
a mentor to me.
Question : Do you ever get angry with coworkers?
Real answer : I don't get angry. I get even.
Suggestion : Nothing angers me more than to see a coworker not
pulling his weight, goofing off, or stealing. Yes,
sometimes I do get angry with coworkers.
Question: Can I contact your references?
Real answer : Sure, but they wont know who I am.
Suggestion : Maybe I can arrange to have them contact you.
Question: What words best describe you?
Real Answer: Genius, Horny, Dog, Clockwatcher, Unorganized, Lazy.
Suggestion: Compassionate, Creative, Team player, Organized,
Efficient.
---
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch." Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business. "I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months." "Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked. She responded, "It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without."
The owner of a small New York sandwich deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. "Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?" "It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these travel deductions. You listed six trips to Florida for you and your wife." "Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "It is a legitimate business expense because we also deliver."
MODERN FINANCIAL TERMS, EXPLAINED:
EBIT -- earnings before irregularities and tampering.
CEO -- chief embezzlement officer.
CFO -- corporate fraud officer.
NAV -- normal Anderson valuation.
P/E -- parole entitlement.
EPS -- eventual prison sentence.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
MOMENTUM INVESTING -- The fine art of buying high and selling low.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
"BUY, BUY" -- A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally...between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO! -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo @$240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- Religious guy who talks to God.
---
"Sir, What is the secret of your success?" a reporter asked a bank president.
"Two words"
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Right decisions."
"And how do you make right decisions?"
"One word."
"And, What is that?"
"Experience."
"And how do you get Experience?"
"Two words"
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Wrong decisions"
Sand & Stone:
A story tells that two friends were walking through the desert. During some point of the journey they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face. The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand: "TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE."
They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him. After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone: "TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE."
The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone, why?" The other friend replied: "When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it."
LEARN TO WRITE YOUR HURTS IN THE SAND AND TO CARVE YOUR BENEFITS IN STONE.
OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS:
If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals !
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity ... probably has a scapegoat.
Does your manager fit into one
of these categories?
1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES
These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten
steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say,
just as they have disappeared around the corner.
2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW
These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you
with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their
thoughts keep staring out of the windows.
3) MANAGING BY POST-IT'S
Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with
their 'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-it's while you
are talking.
4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY
These managers just delegate everything to the secretary. If he
is good, He knows what she must do.
5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING
These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU
give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with nice anecdotes of
irrelevant cases.
6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING
These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view
of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely
satisfies them: They will always have something to talk about.
7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION
Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly
secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any
information at all. Beware of simulants from category 5!
8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS
These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else
they got more work to do.
9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS
In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking
in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by
the lesser equal managers, and so on.
10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS
If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and
also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your career anymore.
11) MANAGING BY STUDYING
Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and
congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they
learn, the further they get from the practice.
12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS
Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows, boxes or
circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall
brilliance.
13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM
This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management
style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want.
Nobody ever knows where these managers are.
14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS
This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a
few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15
minutes.
15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE
In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are
really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the
organization from having a better infrastructure.
16) BUA MANAGEMENT ( BY USING ABBREVIATIONS )
This management style is ATRASACWOC. ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter
And Clearer Way Of Communication )
17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS
These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly
undefined, terms.
18) MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION
If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.
19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING
These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no
clues at all.
20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES
If you remind them to one of their promisses, the priority of
that promise is to low to remember.
---
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. So he invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realised what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off! Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
The Saga Of Management Review Of Writing
Style:
Question: How many feet do mice have?
Original Reply: Mice have four feet.
Management's Comment: Elaborate!
Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
Management's Comment: No discussion of 5th appendage!
Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one
is a tail.
Management's Comment: What? Feet with no legs?
Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.
Management's Comment: Confusing. Is that a total of 9 appendages?
Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail
assembly per body.
Management's Comment: Does not fully discuss the issue!
Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail.
Each leg is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body;
the tail is not equipped with a foot.
Management's Comment: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful No!
Revision 6: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg
assemblies, one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted
as it would constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage
assets.
Management's Comment: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!
Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small
leg joined integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system.
Also attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional
and ornamental in nature.
Management's Comment: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
Final Revision Approved By Management: Mice have four feet.
The Corporate Structure And Performance
Levels:
Chairman Of The Board
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a
locomotive. Is faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.
President
Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a
switch engine. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on
water if the sea is calm. Talks to God.
Executive Vice President
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine. Is faster than a
speeding BB. Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool. Talks
with God if special request is approved.
Vice President
Barely clears a quonset hut. Loses tug of war with a locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed
by God.
General Manager
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings. Is
run over by a locomotive. Can sometimes handle a gun without
inflicting self-injury. Dog paddles. Talks to animals.
Manager
Climbs walls continually. Rides the rails. Plays Russian Roulette.
Walks on thin ice. Prays a lot.
Supervisor
Runs into buildings. Recognizes locomotive two out of three times.
Is not issued ammunition. Can stay afloat with a life preserver.
Talks to walls.
New Hire
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings. Says "look
at the choo-choo". Wets himself with a water pistol. Plays
in mud puddles. Mumbles to himself.
Secretary
Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks locomotives off the
tracks. Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance. She IS God.
---
Some of the most tactful people on Earth are English. One office supervisor called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired. He started the conversation with: "Miss Symthe, I really don't know how we're going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we're going to try.
---
1. In the beginning was the Plan.
2. And then came the Assumptions,
3. And the Assumptions were without form.
4. And the Plan was without Substance.
5. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
6. And they spoke among themselves saying, "It is a crock of shit and it stinks."
7. And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung and we cannot live with the smell."
8. And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, "It is a container of organic waste and it is very strong such that none may abide by it."
9. And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength."
10. And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong."
11. And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth and it is very powerful."
12. And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects."
13. And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
14. And the Plan became Policy.
15. And this is how shit happens...
Managerstaal van A tot Z:
2-sporenbeleid : Inkonsequente beleidsvoering, b.v. een manager die verschillende personen verschillende, onverenigbare opdrachten opdraagt.
A
action points : Te ondernemen acties, welke
worden vastgesteld gedurende een vergadering.
alap : as late as possible
asap : zo snel mogelijk , as soon as possible
audit : Bezoek van een externe partij die tegen betaling jouw
product mogen afzeiken. Als kwaliteit van product, procedures en
documentatie goed worden bevonden, dan krijg je een fraai
certificaatje.
B
babies in the water : het adhoc oplossen i.p.v. de oorzaak
aanpakken
bambi : startende ondernemer
bd : business development : afdeling van een bedrijf die
verantwoordelijk is voor de ontwikkeling van het eigen produkt.
beursplein 5-humeur : Buitengewoon fluctuerend humeur over de dag.
bilateraaltje : Kunnen we even een bilateraaltje hebben = kunnen
we even praten.
Billabillity : De mate waarin gewerkte uren kunnen worden
doorbelast aan de klant.
Blame Stormen : Bij elkaar komen om te bepalen wie de schuld gaat
krijgen. Bij voorkeur iemand die niet anwezig is
BOT-sessie : Benen Op Tafel-sessie, vergadering waarbij je je
voeten ontspannen op tafel kunt plaatsen om de managementhouding
aan te kunnen nemen
bottleneck : Een knelpunt welke een begrenzing oplegt aan de
snelheid, groei, vooruitgang, enz.
bovenhoud : Niet praten over kosten maar over opbrengsten
braindumpen : Vorm van overleg waarin iedereen onbelemmerd zijn
ideeën in de groep mag gooien. Nog meer dan bij het brainstormen,
wordt er hier verwacht dat men creatief van geest is.
brainstormen : overleggen, vergaderen, slap ouwehoeren
break even draaien : Ervoor zorgen dat de uitgaven gelijk zijn
aan de opbrengsten. Kortom, geen winst, geen verlies.
bullshit bingo : Variant op het bekende bingo waarbij typische
managerwoorden, zoals hier te vinden, worden afgevinkt. Tijdens
een gemiddelde managersvergadering heb je zo'n kaart binnen een
minuut of 5 wel vol. BINGO!
burned-out : overspannen
burnrate : Snelheid waarmee investeringsgelden er doorheen
gejaagd worden.
business operandi : (Commerciële) doelstellingen welke een
onderhandelaar / verkoper nastreeft
C
ceo : chief executive officer; algemeen directeur
cfo : chief financial officer; financieel directeur
clean desk policy : Kantoorbeleid dat streeft naar opgeruimde
werkplekken en afwezigheid van koffievlekken op de bureau's. In
praktijk komt hier meestal niets van terecht.
clm-tje : carreer limiting move
club : Zelfde als toko, meestal vooraf gegaan door 'verdomd leuke'
cobranding : samenwerking tussen verschillende bedrijven om één
produkt onder beide namen op de markt te brengen.
Codeslaaf : Programmeur
concullega : Iemand die bij een concurrent werkt in dezelfde
functie als jij. Kortom, een functiecollega met een andere
werkgeveer.
consultant : Raadgever; adviseur
core bussiness : Primaire bezigheid van een bedrijf. Ook wel :
voornaamste bron van inkomsten; dat waar een bedrijf "in
oorsprong" zijn geld mee verdient.
corporate brain disorder : Verschillende geledingen van een
bedrijf zitten absoluut niet meer op dezelfde golflengte.
Gebrekkige en moeizame communicatie maken zo het bedrijf kapot.
crash-dummy : de collega die steeds voor de fouten
verantwoordelijk schijnt te zijn
CSF : Kritieke Succes Factor (Critital Succes Factor)
cto : chief technical officer; technisch directeur
D
deflatie : Algemene daling van het prijspeil.
delegeren : Vervelend werk afschuiven naar een collega die je
toch al niet mag
deliverable : Uitvoer van het werkproces; af te leveren resultaat
waarop men wordt beoordeeld / afgerekend.
dvo : dienst verlenings overeenkomst
E
E.T.A. : Expected Time of Arrival
earn out : Voordat je je 'toko' verkoopt de winst opschroeven
door veel mogelijk omzet te maken en tegelijkertijd zoveel
mogelijk te bezuingen, zodat de jaarcijfers erg gunstig uitvallen.
De 'toko' levert dan veel meer op.
een belletje geven : iemand opbellen
employability : Inzetbaarheid van personeel.
F
Facilitair medewerker : Schoonmaker
feedback : (constructieve) reactie op input
Field Engineer : komt om in jouw bedrijf de problemen met het
netwerk op te lossen, zit ondertussen in het computerhok te
snurken of papt aan met de vrouwelijke collegae
floor-manager : manager waarmee je graag de vloer aan zou willen
vegen
focussen : de aandacht richten op
follow-up : opvolger, in de zin van "een volgende versie";
meestal wordt dit begrip gebruikt, wanneer men spreekt over de
voortzetting van een bepaald project.
fte : full-time equivalent: 1 volwaardige medewerker
functionerings gesprek : gesprek waarin de manager nog even de
feiten op een rij zet waarom jij ook dit jaar weer geen opslag
krijgt, je mag blij zijn dat je niet ontslagen wordt
G
genitaal idee : idee van niks
gepeterd : Iemand die op een functie terecht is gekomen waar hij
geen capaciteiten voor heeft. Afegleid van het "Peter
principle"
go / no-go : Na overleg wordt besloten iets een go of no-go te
geven, d.w.z. iets voort te zetten of niet.
gremium : het wordt beslist in dit 'gremium'; samenstelling van
een beslis- en overleg-orgaan binnen het bedrijfsleven
H
hands on : actief aanpakken; een hands-onmentaliteit hebben
headcount : Het aantal medewerkers dat je als manager onder je
hebt. Hoeveel headcount heb jij: hoe belangrijk ben je?
helicopter view : Overzicht van bovenaf. Breedbeeld.
het is jouw feestje : Jij mag het zeggen : jouw keuze, jouw
verantwoording!
hipo : letterlijk : high potential = werknemer / sollicitant met
veel talent.
Horndal effect : Treedt op wanneer door verbeteringen in de
organisatie van het produktieproces, met dezelfde
kapitaalgoederenvoorraad, meer wordt geproduceerd.
I
impact : Het gevolg van een bepaalde (strategische,
organisatorische) actie/inspanning.
incentive : snoepreisje of ander lekker dingetje om de prestaties
op te krikken
ipa's : inkomen producerende activiteiten
IPO : Initial Public Offering = beursgang
IT-Prostitutie : Het fenomeen waarbij een of meerdere medewerkers
van een bedrijf voor een vast uurtarief bij een klant
gestationeerd worden om deze te behagen.
J
jobhopping : Het springen van de ene aanstelling naar de andere,
zonder ergens echt lang te blijven werken. Typische eigenschap
van carrierejagers.
just-in-time systeem : systeem waarbij de levering van goederen
zo wordt ingepland dat het NET goed gaat, aldus de werknemers met
afgekloven vingernagels achterlatend
K
K.P.I. : Key Performance Indicator
kangaroo management : "big leaps, empty pockets" :
grote sprongen willen maken, zonder het geld ervoor te hebben
key issue : Het punt waar het om draait; het belangrijkste
kostenplaatje : Een overzicht van het totaal van de kosten (vaste
+ variabele kosten).
L
lopo : (n.a.v. hipo) low potential: laaggeschoolde werknemer
Loungen : het bijkomen van een drukke zakendag met je
zakenvriendjes
M
M.T.O. : Manager Technical Operations, een soort Facilitair
Manager voor technische afdelingen
management by walking around : Managen door niets te doen
managers-tool : Apparaat of techniek welke het leiding geven aan
een afdeling/bedrijf ondersteunt.
managing bij fooling around : de handen niet van de vrouwen
kunnen afhouden
MBO : management by objectives
MBE : management by exception
mediation : Bemiddeling bij zakelijke conflicten, gebruik makend
van een (extern) gespreksleider. Dit wordt gezien als een goed
alternatief voor het uitvechten via een rechtszaak.
meerkosten : Kosten die voortkomen uit een inefficiënt gebruik
van middelen.
meeting : goede reden voor een extra lange lunch
middle-management : Het schemergebeid van het management dat zich
bevindt tussen het hoger en lager management. Zowel hoger als
lager management kunnen bepaalde kwesties doorschuiven naar lager
respectievelijk hoger management zonder elkaar direct te belasten.
money coach : iemand die managers een cursus geeft voor het
omgaan met geld en daar vooral zelf veel beter van wordt
monitoren : Volgen, analyseren, bestuderen.
monopolie : Alleenheersschappij over een bepaald marktdeel.
monopsonie : Situatie dat er slechts 1 klant is voor je produkt.
muccer : Werknemer met een minimaal uren contract.
N
name dropping : In een gesprek namen van bekende personen laten
vallen (die je schijnbaar kent) om te laten zien dat je zelf niet
zomaar iemand bent.
Niet DIPpen, maar DIMmen : Niet denken in problemen, maar in
mogelijkheden
no-brainer : Te nemen aktie welke zo duidelijk is, dat je er niet
over na hoeft te denken.
O
O.M. : Operations Manager
off-topic gaan : Het gesprek op een ander (irrelevant) onderwerp
brengen.
oligopsonie : Situatie dat er slechts enkele potentiële klanten
zijn voor je produkt.
one-stopshop : Winkel met een breed assortiment, zo breed dat je
er alles kunt vinden en het dus niet nodig is andere winkels te
bezoeken.
outsourcen : letterlijk: gebruik maken van een produktiebron
buiten het eigen bedrijf. Meestal gaat men outsourcen wanneer men
op korte termijn iets ontwikkeld / geproduceerd wil hebben en
daar zelf niet de middelen voor in huis heeft.
P
P&O : Personnel & Organization; Personeelszaken
P.I. : Prestatie Indicator (Performance Contracten), ook wel K.P.I.
paperless office : Kantoorbeleid dat streeft naar afwezigheid van
papieren documenten, d.w.z. dat alles digitaal dient te worden
gearchiveerd.
PC eend : upgrade van de aloude typ-miep
Peppen : Peptalk geven, ontvangen
peptalk : Korte speech, meestal gegeven door een leidinggevend
persoon, om het elan van zijn/haar werknemers te verhogen.
pit stop : een kleine onderbreking (van bijv. een bespreking)
zodat men even gebruik kan maken van het toilet
plan de campagne : een plan maken hoe je het beste kunt werken.
polyopsonie : Situatie dat er veel potentiële klanten zijn voor
je produkt.
POP : Persoonlijk Ontwikkelings Profiel/Plan. Beschrijving van
het ontwikkelingstraject en de leerdoelen van een werknemer. POP
gesprek = variant op functioneringsgesprek.
positionele goederen : Goederen en diensten die begerenswaardig
zijn, omdat ze schaars zijn. Dergelijke goederen verschaffen
slechts plezier zolang ze schaars zijn.
Powermeeting : Zeer korte, intense en staande vergadering
Powernap : Uiterst kort en intens slapen
prijsdiscriminatie : Het vragen van verschillende prijzen voor
hetzelfde produkt. De prijs is hierbij afhankelijk van de
consumentengroep waartoe de koper behoort.
produktdifferentiatie : Strategie om via de produktie van een
specifieke variant van een produkt monopolist te worden op een
deel van de markt.
PZ : Afdeling personeelszaken
Q
R
R.A.S. : Rapid Access Service
reference drift : Het verschijnsel dat mensen hun inkomen meer
waarderen naarmate anderen minder verdienen dan zij.
reflected glory : hopen dat de glans van een ander op jou
afstraalt, zie ook namedropping
reflectief management : Een manager die zich de methode
reflectief management heeft eigen gemaakt zal de organisatie
afspeuren naar verandering. Bij elke verandering die positief
uitpakt zal de manager zich uitroepen tot initiator van de
desbetreffende actie.
RGA : Resultaat Gebonden Afspraken, zie ook functioneringsgesprek
romeo delta : regel dat!
rotary : club waar managers hun nieuwe leasebak aan elkaar tonen
S
S.L.A : Service Level Agreement
sabbatical : Iedereen spreekt ervan, slechts weinigen nemen er
een: een werkstop (van een jaar)
sanitory supervisor : wc-madam (Vlaanderen)
scope : het speelveld / alles waarop iets, bv. een project ,
betrekking heeft
seagull consultancy (of s.management) : (van interim managers of
consultants) luid krijsend binnen komen vliegen, de boel
onderschijten en weer luid krijsend wegvliegen
servicability : dienstbaarheid
shit : should have it today
shit in - shit out : als de input voor een bepaald project niet
voldoende is, zal het resultaat navenant zijn
Showstopper : Belangrijk actiepunt waardoor een project niet
afkomt
shut-down point : Prijs waaronder een ondernemer niet kan zakken,
omdat het gelijk is aan de vaste kosten die hij voor de
vervaardiging van dat produkt moet maken.
span of control : Het controleveld van een manager, ofwel het
aantal ondergeschikten.
stake-holder : Belanghebbende in je organisatie.
statement : Woord dat te pas en te onpas wordt gebruikt. 'Een
statement zetten' betekent zoiets als 'iets beweren, doen of
verkopen om daarmee iets van je eigen identiteit prijs te geven'.
Vaak gaat het hierbij om iets onconventioneels, iets progressiefs.
stressfactor : Veroorzaker van stress op het werk.
synergie : Samenwerking van meerdere personen/groepen om te zamen
meer resultaat te behalen dan de som van de afzonderlijke
resultaten
T
target : Doel
task force : project groep, meestal ad hoc opgericht.
teambuilding : Speciale activiteiten die verricht worden om het
wij-gevoel van een afdeling/groep te bevorderen.
technohausse : opkomst van de technologie- en internetfondsen
testosteron-management : Mannelijke, agressieve vorm van
management.
throughput : De processen die input met output verbinden.
tikgeit : een typmiep; iemand die enkel is ingehuurd voor het
typwerk.
Time -out?? : de manager vraagt tijdens een saaie vergadering of
er nog personen zijn die naar de w.c. moeten
time management : Sturing in de tijdsindeling van werknemers. Er
wordt gestreefd naar een zo efficient mogelijke indeling van je
tijd, dus niet harder werken, maar slimmer.
time to delivery : Tijd die je nodig hebt om een produkt af te
leveren.
time to market : Aflevertijd die de markt van je vereist /
verwacht
timeline : Te verrichten taken uitgezet tegen de tijd die er aan
besteed kan worden. Strakke timeline stellen = deadline
vasstellen binnen een relatief korte termijn.
to-do lijst : Lijst met punten/activiteiten die je nog moet doen.
to-do-loe list : Lijstje van dingen waar jij geen zin meer in
hebt en die je opvolger maar op moet knappen.
toko : bedrijf / onderneming
Touche : Vaak mensen ontslaan omdat je ze terug wil pakken
typmiep : iemand die word ingehuurd om "dom" typ werk
te doen
U
uitdagingen : problemen
uitzuigkracht : Een werknemer van een uitzendbureau die je
eigenlijk alleen maar geld kost en niets presteert.
uurtje faktuurtje : prijs doorberekenen op uurbasis
V
VC : Venture Capitalist; een verstrekker van 'durfkapitaal'.
Iemand die investeert in jonge ondernemingen in ruil voor een
fiks percentage van de aandelen
venture capitalist : Bedrijf of persoon dat durfkapitaal
verstrekt aan een ander, beginnend bedrijf. Meestal gaat het
hierbij om bedrijven uit de technologie-sector die een nieuw,
gewaagd produkt op de markt brengen.
Voortgangsgesprek : Monoloog van de leidinggevende waarin verteld
wordt dat je het de komende tijd toch echt anders moet gaan doen
vulture capitalist : Venture kapitalist die alleen geinteresseerd
is in snelle winst, nl. de meerwaarde van de aandelen van de
bedrijven waarin hij geinvesteerd heeft.
W
Waste manager : Vuilnisman
win-win optie : Optie waarbij wederzijds voordeel wordt behaald.
winstwaarschuwing : waarschuwing m.b.t. een te verwachten
winstdaling. Eventueel ook bij een lager dan verwachte groei van
de winst.
X
x-factor : onbekende factor (chaos theorie)
Y
y-factor : onbekende factor (Ookwel bestemming of doel genoemd:
van X naar Y)
Z
z.s.m. : zo spoedig mogelijk; stopwoordje van veel managers,
waarmee ze hopen wat extra druk op de ketel te zetten.
Zeemeeuwmanagement : De manager komt krijsend aan, schijt de hele
boel onder, en voor je er iets van kunt zeggen is hij al weer weg
Managing - Hunting Elephants:
* MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant and catching one of whatever is left.
* EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to Step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
* PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
* COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A;
1. go to Africa
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope
3. Work Northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
alternately East & West
4. during each pass;
a. catch each animal seen
b. compare each animal caught to a known elephant
c. stop when a match is detected
* EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the Algorithm will terminate.
* ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
* ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15% of any previously observed elephant.
* ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephant, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
* STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
* CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephant and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
* OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet colour to the efficiency of hunting elephant strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephant.
* POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted them in.
* LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.
* SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
* VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT try
hard to hunt elephants, but their staff are designed to prevent
it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephant, the staff
will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely
prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice
president does see a nonprehunted elephant , the staff will;
1. compliment the vice president's keen eyesight
2. enlarge itself to prevent any such recurrence
* SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
* QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the Jeep.
* SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants, but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
* SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.
* HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray and sell them as desktop elephants.