Sexjokes (3)

I picked up some bitch in the club last night. As she was about to start blowing me, she said, "If you come in my mouth, I'll never talk to you again!" Well how could I refuse an offer like that!

"I'm going to the doctor," says Mary. "Why, what's wrong?" asks her best friend Sara. "I want to ask him how many calories there really are in sperm." Sara says, "Why worry? If you're swallowing that much, no man is going to care if you're a bit chubby."

A professor at Memorial University of Newfoundland was giving a lecture On 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the  Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what Your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?' She replied, 'Probably moose hunting with his buddies.'

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you" The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad." 'Rubbish,' replied the young alien. He aimed his weapon  and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away into a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. "What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?" The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear."

On his 77th birthday, an old Soux Indian Chief, Keechi Totoc, was made by his squaw wife to visit the medicine man living on a nearby tee-pee. It was rumored he had a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction (in Indian talk this was called "little big horn"). The medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, handed it to the old Chief, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine, and must be respected. You take only two sips, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in whole life, and you can perform as long as you wantum." The old Indian was excited. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do Indian Chief stopum medicine from working?" "Your squaw wife must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will no work again until next full moon." The old Chief was very eager to do this so he ran home, took two sips of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him on buffalo robe. When she came in, he took off his buckskins and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His squaw wife was excited and began throwing off her robes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

An old cowboy goes into a bar and orders a drink. As he sits there sipping his whiskey a young lady sits down next to him. She turns to the cowboy and asks him,"Are you a cowboy?" He replies, "Well I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am." She says, "I',m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower or watch TV, everything seems to make me think about women." A little while later a couple sits down next to th old cowboy and asks him, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replies, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

A South African Boer (farmer) goes to see an English speaking lawyer in order to start divorce proceedings. The lawyer asks him, “May I help you?” The Boer says, “Ja. I would like to have a divorce.” The lawyer asks him, “Do you have any grounds?” The Boer says, “Ja. I got 600 hektyres.” The lawyer says, “Sir, you don’t understand. Do you have a suit? The Boer says, “Ja. Of course I got a suit. I wore it to church on Sundays.” The lawyer says, “Ahmm. No, what I mean sir, is, do you have a case?” The Boer says proudly, “Now let me tell you, that are not good trackers. I got two John Deeres.” The lawyer is beginning to sweat. “Sir. Do you have a grudge?” The Boer’s also a bit irritated by now. “Ja. I of course I got a grudge. That’s where I park the bakkie.” The lawyer, sighing, asks, “Does your wife beat you up or something?” The Boer says, “No, we both get up at 04:30.” By now the lawyer is getting really frustrated, but tries one last question. “Does your wife nag? Is she a nagger?” The Boer says, “No, SHE’S white. But our last child is a nagger. That’s why I wants to get a divorce.”

My wife and I were travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George.  After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. We only planned to sleep for four hours and get back on the road.  When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands us a bill for £350.00. I exploded and demanded to know why the charge is so high. I told the clerk that although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth £350.00. Then the clerk tells me that £350.00 is the 'standard rate'.  I insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use. 'But we didn't use them", I said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.. 'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' I said.  'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies. No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied, 'But we didn't use it!' The Manager was unmoved, so eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.  I wrote a cheque and give it to the Manager. The Manager looked surprised when he looked at my cheque.   'But sir,' 'this cheque is only made out for £50.00. I replied: ''That's correct, since I charged you £300.00 for sleeping with my wife.' 'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager. 'Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.'

The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting college. "Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend." "I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience." "Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore."

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.   He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour. Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, Please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ... So she took them home and ate them.

My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall........He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!" "The guard asked, "What's he like?" The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Jack Daniel whiskey and women with big tits."

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she  found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the doctor.  'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!' The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him, 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'  'The second rose is from my nurse.  She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.' 'And what about the third rose?' she asked. 'That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit.  He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said: “Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty or clean. It doesn’t matter to me. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.” Eyes now wide with interest, he responded: “No kidding. I’m a lawyer too. What firm are you with?”

She goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS! The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?" She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!" In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are saying you that?" In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.' The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?' The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.' The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!' The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different..... You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes." Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life. Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures 25 cents." "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured. The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents." The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his "thing" into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for two weeks. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his "thingy"... Which now had a button sewed on the tip.

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

A peadophile stops two 10 year old girls in the forest. He says to them kindly: "Girls I'll give you a sweet each if I can touch your hair." The two girls look at each other and they say fine. He gives them the sweets and strokes their hair. "I'll give you two more sweets, if I can stroke your shoulders." The two girls say fine, he gives them the sweets, and strokes their shoulder. Then he says: "I'll give you two more sweets if I can stroke your backs." The two girls look at each other and one says to the other: "By the time he fucks us, we'll be diabetic."

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass."Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.Immediately, he apologized for his bad language."That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."

An Italian, a French and an American were having lunch together. They were all husbands and had started to boast to each other about how good they were in bed. The Italian guy said, "Lasta nighta, i make love to me wife 3 times! Thisa morning, she said to me that im the greatest lover in the whole world!" The French guy said, "Ah zat is nuthing! Last night i make love to my wife 5 times! Zis morning she zaid i iz the super lover in the whole world!" All this time the American guy sat there quietly eating his lunch. The two guys turned to him and asked "Hey how about you? How many times did you make love to your wife last night?" The American guy said, "Oh, one time." "Hahahaha, one time? That is so pathetic, and what did your wife say to you this morning?" laughed the other two guys. "Don't stop." said the American.

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man. "Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world." "It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?" The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

A Priest books into a hotel and says to the blonde receptionist, 'I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.' 'No,' she says, 'it's just normal porn....you sick bastard.'

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow.  The horse fall's into a mud hole and is sinking.  He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found.  So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.  He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole.  The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!"  So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up."  And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

A local pharmacy has been burgled and 200 bottles of Viagra  have been stolen. The police are looking for a hardened criminal.

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo Wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said: 'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?' All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied: 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

“Did I tell you about the new woman in the personnel department?” my pal asked. “Nope,” I replied. “Well I went down to her office, to take a look at her PC the other day and we had quite a long chat about cars. I was telling her about my new Jag and as soon as I mentioned it, she started telling me that she’s got itchy pussy.” I gulped and asked, “And what did you say to that?” “I said, I’m not in the slightest bit impressed,” my pal continued, “I’d rather have a sports car any day, because I think all of those Japanese four-by-fours look the same.”

“That girl is disgusting! Do you know that she slept with two brothers on holiday?” “Oh look, as long as she played safe what does it matter? We’ve all had the occasional wild moment. Why I did something similar to that myself a few years ago.” “You don’t understand. The two brothers came from the local monastery.”

“My boyfriend is such a cheat and a liar!” shouted Sue, “I’ve been going with the guy for nearly a year now and not once did he mention that he’s married.” “Oh that’s terrible.” “Yeah. What a hypocrite! I’d probably never have found out. I heard purely by chance when it was mentioned the other day by my husband.”

“A guy I know has just got divorced and he is finding it hard to get to get back into the dating scene” my pal confided “Any suggestions?” “Well what has he tried?” I asked. “Everything mate!” came the reply, “dancing, speed dating, the internet, singles holidays everything. Have you got any ideas?” “He could try the sure thing.” “The sure thing, that sounds good, what’s the sure thing?” “Yoga!” “Yoga? Yoga! Yoga is the sure thing?” “It is, but don’t spread that around it’s strictly between you me and anyone else that reads this.” “I think you need to explain this to me,” my puzzled pal replied. “Think about it… The bloke will be out numbered by women at least 10 to 1 in a yoga class, sweating women wearing skin-tight leotards.” “But I still don’t understand. Why does that make it a sure thing?” “Oh come on mate, think about it… These women are practising three to four hours a week to get their legs as far apart as they possibly can! If your mate can’t get a date in a class full of women like that then he never will.”

“Excuse me!” a woman said as I wheeled my shopping trolley past her and her pal in a supermarket. “Yes?” I answered. “I know you from somewhere don’t I? I certainly recognise your face,” she said. “Really? Work perhaps? Do you work with computers?” I asked. “Nope,” she replied. “Dance class then? Do you dance?” “Nope,” she said, looking even more puzzled. “Well, it can’t be from martial arts class!” I thought, “so where else could she know me from?” “You’re a model, aren’t you?” she blurted. This was too flattering an opportunity to pass up, so I thought I’d play along with it and said, “Why yes!” Egged on by her friend she said, “I’ve seen you modelling somewhere, in a magazine!” “Could be,” I agreed. “What was the name of that magazine?” she said, as she turned towards her friend looking for inspiration. “’PLAYGIRL!’ That’s the one,” her friend clipped in. “Playgirl! PLAYGIRL? Impossible!” I countered, “Because, ladies. If you’d seen me modelling naked in ‘Playgirl’, it wouldn’t be my face that you’d be looking at. And what’s more… it certainly wouldn’t be my face that you’d remember!”

A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife: "Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good." The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?" The man says: "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!" The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?" She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, hell, it feels good!"

The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you?' He said, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.' The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night.' The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. 'Good morning,' he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what happened?' He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night '

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'do you have a vagina?'  She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'? She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just incase this guy shows up again'. The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.  Do you have vagina'....... 'Yes' she says... The man replies. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours'.

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the "T" shirt that she normally slept in. As he walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly,"You've got to make love to me this very moment." His eyes lit up and he thought, "I am either still dreaming or This is going to be my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; Right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her "T" shirt still around her neck. A little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word  "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, And we all saw his pet sheep, it was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinating'." Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinated'. Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!"

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said,  "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?" "Good question," noted the Rabbi.  "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way, "What about all these biscuit purchases?  What do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.  "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and ever y now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."  "I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.  "We save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and once a year they send us a complete dick."

A Queensland farmer got in his ute and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door. 'Is your Dad home'? the farmer asked. 'Sorry mate, he isn't' the boy replied. 'He went into town.' 'Well,' said the farmer, 'Is your mum here'? 'No, sir, she's not here either.  She went into town with Dad.' 'How about your brother, Greg?  Is he here'? 'He went with Mum and Dad.' The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. 'Is there anything I can do for ya'? the boy asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad.' 'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant.' The boy considered for a moment. 'You'd have to talk to Dad about that,' he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg.'

The only cow in a small Missouri town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a  cow just across the state line in Kansas for $200. They  brought the cow from Kansas and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to  acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They  would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the  bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever  the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter  what  approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull  and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and  decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told  the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she  moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When  he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side,  she walks away to the other side." The Vet thought about this for a  minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in  Kansas?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Kansas?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Kansas."

An Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious womanizer. One day, the major saw a lovely girl. "Turn the car round," he ordered. The driver promptly stalled the car. By the time he had re-started it, the girl had vanished. "Driver," said the major, "you'd be a total loss in an emergency." "I thought I did pretty well," the driver said. "That was my girl."

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. On one Sunday, an out-of-town acquaintance, a gentleman, was  in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking  woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?" "Why yes, that would be nice," the lady responded. The  gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of Alabama. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no," said this fine example of Southern womanhood, "Whatever would I tell my Sunday School class?" Our gentleman was set back a bit so he didn't say much until after dinner. When he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?" "Oh my, goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did." Our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh, mmmm, how would you like to stop at this motel?" "Sure, that would be nice," she said with anticipation! The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U-turn right then and there and drove back to the motel and checked in. The next morning, after a wild and passionate night, the gentleman woke up first. He looked at the lovely Dixie Darlin' lying there in the bed with and with remorse thought, "What the heck have I done?" He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing. Whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them: You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."

A young man called Pete wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away. He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to the Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and John got the knickers. Good old John sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:
"Dear Sasha, I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date. All my love John. P.S. My sister tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing."

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?" "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?" She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen."

A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy said, "Well, we have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replied, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorted, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics. "The Italian, nodded agreement, and said, "But we built the Roman Empire." And so on and so on, until the Greek came up with what he thought would end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he said, "We Greeks invented sex!" The Italian replied, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"? "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.

After their twins were born, Larry, in a panic, went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," Larry said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because both my twin boys have red hair.  They can't possibly be mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have blonde hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool." "It isn't possible," Larry insisted. "Both our families had blonde hair for generations." "Well," said the doctor, "how often do you have sex?" Larry was a bit ashamed, but admitted, "We only have sex once or twice every few months." "Well, there you have it!"  The doctor said confidently. "It's rust".

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." Confused, the father asked what was wrong. The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

" Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms. " Why, Dad ? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, " Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax ."

Man comes in the pharmacy: - Give me the stack of condoms!! Vendor: - Could you more politely? - Give a stack of condoms, please! - But more politely? - Please, stack of contraceptives. - Can be more modest? Man get his dignity, puts on the table and said: - Make clothes for gentleman!

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional. "Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you." "Well" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2." "Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you're truly drunk they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house." The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true. "Well" said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a tast and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted. The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly." She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up. Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka. She gets the glass but asks him "Boris, why do we only need one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."

A Mom is driving her little girl to a friend's house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite." "Ok," the little girl says. "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions, and really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card-it has everything on it." Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are. You are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks. "And why's that?" "Because you got a F in sex."

It's the summer of 1961 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says. That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha.. aat?" "Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!" Harold 's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: "Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis. According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a weekor so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?" Bill replied, "I have been in jail." "Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?" "Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?" "Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?" "Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty. The judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

One night , after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. " Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered. He whispered back, "I found the remote!"

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

This boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads in the back seat some distance from town. Things were getting hot and steamy when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a prostitute and I charge $20 for sex." The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the drivers seat looking out the window. "Why arent we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "I should have mentioned this before, but Im actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25!"

A little boy goes to his father and asks: "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: "You got Male!"

Amy, a blonde Texas city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?" So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one.. right here." Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred? "That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently. Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?" She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says: "I guess it's to hang your pants on.....

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order." The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini." After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sober. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS." The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone..."

The wife came home early to find her husband making love to a beautiful sexy young woman. "You unfaithful, disrespectful jerk! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house and I want a divorce!" The husband, replied, "Wait! Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened." "It'll be the last thing I will hear from you so make it fast, you cheating creep." "While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her into my car. I noticed she was very thin, not well dressed and dirty. She mentioned she had not eaten for three days. Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain more weight. When I served them to her, the poor young thing, practically inhaled them. Since she was dirty I asked her if she'd like to bathe. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were worn-out and full of holes so I threw them away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you no longer wear because they're too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you won't wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair. After she dressed, I walked the young woman to the door where she turned around and with tears of gratitude streaming down her cheeks,she asked me, "Sir, do you have anything else your wife doesn't use?"

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl". The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Volpe?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers "What'd you get?" "4 months vacation and five good leads."

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking. Dorothy: "That nice George Pratt asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer." Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes m e out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!" Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?" Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100? "Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and walks away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000?" She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000; OK, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there." So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them but not biting them. The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?" "Nah", says the Scotsman... "Costs too much!"

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided that they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail. When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned. How was it for you?" The second old man replied, "I think mine was a witch." The first man asked, "How's that?" "Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast, she farted and flew out the window!"

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die? 1st woman: I Froze to Death. 2nd woman: How Horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about You? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him, but instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere \tab \tab that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked verywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer . . . We'd both still be alive.

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked okay for a 57-year-old. We drank a bit, and a had a bit of a snoggle and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double. "What's that?" I asked. "It a mother and daughter threesome," she said. I said, "No." We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mum, you still awake?"

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day! The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day! She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?" The woman replied, "Down." A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down ?" She replied, "Up." This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!" She replied, ”Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown."

A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their  waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that  the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me,  ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table. The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto the pasture, she saw that the family's only goat was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to sexually satisfy her husband and three sons now that the goat was dead. In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the goat, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead, and the goat, and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, then I will restore your parents and the goat to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to get it up again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river. Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, then I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead goat in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, especially with his goat gone, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health, along with your goat." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the goat?"

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well-endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater. She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets. The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled. The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." Mortified, he too fled. "Morons...." the third priest mutters and moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you." They took the bus.....

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers." And the congregation said, "Amen."

Mildred, the church gossip, self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house....walked home......and left it there all night.....

Two very elderly friends, Max and Wally, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Wally didn't show up,  Max didn't think much about it, figured maybe he had a cold or some such. But after Wally hadn't shown up for a week or so Max really got worried. However, the only time they ever got together anymore (they used to play a lot of golf together) was at the park, and Max couldn't remember where Wally lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month passed and Max figured old Wally had gone to his heavenly reward, but one day Max approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Wally! Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then he said, "For crying out loud Wally, what happened to you??" Wally replied, "I have been in jail. "Jail??," cried Max!! "What in the world for??" "Well," Wally said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?" Yeah" said Max, "I remember her. What about her?" "Well one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think an old fart like me could still do, that when I got into court, I pled 'Guilty'. The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury."

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time". The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your dick is bigger than your brother's".

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids  in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. She's  dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy t-shirt with holes in it and wearing  flip-flops exposing her cracked and filthy toenails. When she yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with more than a few missing. The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't! The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?" "No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe someone had sex with you twice."

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little scared." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze." The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." The second kid replies, "Whoa, good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an  environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational  area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!" "That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!" "READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money. The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually         does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?' The father says, "I hope you SHOT that crazy dog before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"

A young monk arrives at the monastery.  He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!  In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son" He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.  Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.  He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R"! , we missed the "R"!" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.  The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, Father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...CELEBRATE!!!"

Something to consider:

10% of women had sex within the first hour of their first date
 20% of men had sex in a non-traditional place
 36% of women favour nudity
 45% of women prefer dark men with blue eyes
 46% of women experienced anal sex
 70% of women prefer sex in the morning
 80% of men have never experienced homosexual relations
 90% of women would like to have sex in the forest
 99% of women have never experienced sex in the office.

Conclusion: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having  anal sex in  the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.  Moral:  Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it.

---

A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30. He is persuaded to have a medical exam first. "Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit," he says to the doctor. "Okay," says the medic, "let me see your sex organs." So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger....

Two young girls were talking about their sex lives when the first girl says, "Oh my god! , it was really great, but I was Sooo scared after his rubber broke. I didn't get a good night's sleep for a week." "What happened." Says her intrigued friend. "I didn't know what I was going to do, but I was finally able to get the last little piece of it out with dental floss."

John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face." "He's an idiot," John said. "Piss on him." "You did", came the reply. "And he fired you." "Well, screw him!" said John. "I did. You're back at work on Monday."

This company hires a new guy and he's supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up he calls his boss and says, "I'm sick." His boss tells him not to worry and lets him have the day off. The guy then shows up at work on Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability. The next Monday he once again calls his boss and says, "I'm sick." The boss reluctantly excuses him again, but takes note that this is the second Monday in a row that he hasn't been in. Once again the man shows up on Tuesday morning and works furiously throughout the week. The following Monday he calls his boss again and says, "I'm sick." His boss excuses him, but decides to castigate the man on Tuesday. Tuesday comes and as soon as the guy shows up, his boss calls him into his office. "What's happening?" asks the boss. "I can see you're a hard worker, but you've only been here three weeks and you've called in sick every Monday." The bloke replies, "Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another and we end up having sex all day long." "Your sister!" says the boss, "That's disgusting!" The man replies, "I told you I was sick."

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ... ONE, TWO, THREE... UUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a erection." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?".... "I couldn't even get on the bed!"

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" John admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday. Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 pm.  He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Bill asked, "Did he give you $100?" She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Well, yes... he did give me $100." "Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."

An elderly man went to a brothel and said he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," he says. "90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?" To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine pilot, and said:"Honey, do you remember this?" He looked up from his newspaper and said: "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married" She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I said; 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out." She giggled and said; "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty Years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?" He looked her up and down and replied, "Mission accomplished."

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex. The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests. The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, "I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin." The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?" "Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity." Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?" "Oh God no!" the girl says. "I just got sick of waiting."

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married." "Why not?" giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

A newly married hillbilly couple decided they wanted children, but didn't know how to go about it. Questions and conversations with friends and relatives proved no help, until a neighbor said they should go to town and ask the Big City Doctor. The doctor let them look at a child's book about where babies came from, but to no avail. He tried his own explanation but was met with blank stares. Exasperated, he took them to his private office, and showed them a porno movie. This was also useless. Angrily, he ordered the girl to strip, told the man to watch, and had sex with her on the couch. ''Now, do you understand?'' he asked. ''I just have one question. How many times a week do I have to bring her in for this?''

7 Kinds of Sex:

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".

The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

The 6th kind is called Religious Sex: Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kind of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month - but not enough to live on.

-----

A woman who is tired of having a guy hit on her says, "Look ... I'm sorry, but I'm just not your type. I'm not inflatable."

Two IT guys were chatting in a pub after work. "Guess what, mate," says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar." "What did you do?" says the other IT guy. "Well, I invited her over to mine, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off." "You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy. "I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop." "Really? You got a new laptop?"

After the tourist from Tennessee had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all  sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?" "Lord,  that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she  looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin'  too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my  room?"   When  the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the  waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?" "Why  yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighborly, but where ah come from in Tennessee we lack our bourbon real  cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5.00 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair." The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word. The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life." The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up. "So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man. "Get serious", she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair."

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.  I take my shoes off before I go into the house; I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"  His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and shout, "WHO'S HORNY"......  And she acts like she is asleep every time."

Little johny's school is having show and tell, so the teacher starts a 'Guess Whats Behind My Back' game. She goes to her desk and picks up a item. She says, okay class, what am I holding, its RED, ROUND, and SHINEY. Little Johny replies I know teacher its an apple, The teacher replies, no little johny, But I like the way you think. So the teacher goes gack to her desk picks up another item. She says, okay class, what am I holding now, its YELLOW, and SOFT. Little Johny replies I know teacher,its a bannana. The teacher replies, no little johny, its a tennis ball. But I like the way you think. At this point little johny is furious. Okay teacher, this one's for you, he stuck his hand in his pocket and said okay what am I Holding, Its ROUND, HARD, and has a HEAD. The teacher says, Little johny, go to the office right now, you are in trouble. Little johny replies, for what teacher, its just a quarter, but I like the way you think.

A blonde was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, she said,   "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a  parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up s-e-x and tequila."  Instantly, and miraculously, a parking place appeared. She looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one!"

161 Condom Slogans:

1) Cover your stump before you hump
2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie
4) When in doubt shroud you spout
5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong
7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize
11) She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12) If you go into heat, package your meat
13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis
14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse
15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18) The right selection, is to protect your erection
19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
20) A crank with armor, will never harm her
21) If you really love her, wear a cover
22) Don't make a mistake, cover your snake
23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
24) If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket
25) No glove, no love
26) If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye
27) Even If she's eager, protect her beaver
28) No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax
29) Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt
30) Avoid a frown, contain your clown
31) Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam
32) Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed
33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink
34) The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground
35) Cloak the joker before you poke her
36) Encase that torch before you paint her porch
37) Cape your throbber before you bob her
38) After detection sheath your erection
39) Before you penetrate hide your magistrate
40) Don't surprise her plug your Geyser
41) Cover that lumber before you pump her
42) Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle
43) She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle
44) House your noodle then release your strudel
45) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound
46) Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey
47) Cage that snake then shake and bake
48) Cover your peter it will be much neater
49) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore
50) It's always funky to cage your monkey
51) It won't be funny with a coatless dummy
52) It won't be fun with an unwrapped thumb
53) It's not much money to catch your honey
54) Don't be a fool cover your tool
55) Hood that match then scratch that thatch
56) Stitch that switch then itch her niche
57) Wrap that tool to catch the drool
58) It ain't no jibe to protect her hive
59) Contain that sputum before you use him
60) Restrain your log then plow her bog
61) Glove your pecker before you check her
62) Coat that slimmer before you prime her
63) Condomize then womanize (or sodomize)
64) Cover old pete then grind her meat
65) Guard your peter before you meet her
66) Check your list before you tryst
67) Wrap your bate before you mate
68) Can your worm before you squirm
69) Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe
70) Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard
71) Bag the mole then do her hole
72) Cuff your carrot before you share it
73) Jail your number then call the plumber
74) Cover your vein then drive her insane
75) Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle
76) Protect your dink then fluff her mink
77) Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern
78) Hide ole harry then take her cherry
79) Wrap that spout then bore her out
80) Conceal your train don't cause her pain
81) Guard your bridge then do her ridge
82) Shroud your trout then make her shout
83) To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky
84) Box your blister then poke her in the whiskers
85) Wrap your spout to catch the trout
86) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel
87) Cover your steamer before you ream her
88) Protect that fish then dip it in the dish
89) Contain that bass for a swim in her glass
90) Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret
91) Clothe the boner before you hone her
92) Got no protection? Can't use your erection!
93) Cork your pump or you don't hump
94) No unwrapped stags get between my legs
95) Dress that erection to make a deflection
96) Contain that shanker before you spank her
97) Cap that seeder before you breed her
98) Stop the stream before you cream
99) Secure that ladder then drain your bladder
100) Protect your screw to catch that glue
101) Package your meat for a real neat treat
102) Holster your gun then shootings more fun
103) Canvas that trailer before you nail her
104) Garage the tractor then attack her
105) Net that grass hopper before you pop her
106) Sock that wanger before you bang her
107) Pen that rooster, she'll be much looser
108) Trim your hardwood then do her real good
109) Garnish your oak then give her a poke
110) Pouch your associate then go fornicate
111) Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate
112) Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates
113) Catch that goat before it bloats
114) Ensnare that barbarian then do her abdomen
115) Restrain your hammer then wam bam her
116) Prune that stalk then make her squawk
117) Wrap that rod then please her bod
118) Sheath that knife she ain't your wife
119) House that bottle then mash her throttle
120) Sash that hash then thrash that gash
121) Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle
122) Can your knob then throb her swab
123) Contain old Doug then clean her rug
124) Cover your limb before you swim
125) Retain your bailer then impail her
126) Rope your dope then make some soap
127) Net your salamander then make salad in her
128) Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper
129) Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds
130) Hat that chef then scramble her cleft
131) Cover your stone before you bone
132) House your hose then curl her toes
133) Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass
134) Blanket your twitch then hump that bitch
135) Shield your rocks then pond her box
136) Cover old sly then do her dry
137) Wrap your rail then fill her pail
138) Glove your chimney before you come in me
139) If your nude tube your dude
140) Cloak your hitter then go split her
141) Wrap your nipper before you dip her
142) Can your spam then bam that mam
143) Corral your ram then slice her ham
144) Sheath your sliver then jab her liver
145) Twist your wick then stick that prick
146) Cover old Bart then dart her tart
147) Shed old spot then do her slot
148) Drawer your pip then split her lips
149) Contain that leach then mash her peach
150) Bag your elm then take the helm
151) Constrain your gem to catch the flem
152) Catch that head cheese or I won't spread these
153) Constrain that agate you ain't no faggot
154) Survey your land then plant her stand
155) Before you drive her protect that diver
156) Sack that slimy smelt then tan her beaver pelt
157) Wrap that stiffer then let him sniff her
158) Cover you post then slice her roast
159) Blanket old juicy then plug old loosey
160) Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon
161) Contain that viper before you pipe her

-----

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one." A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have on of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one." Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "I just won $50,000" Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?" The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" "Yes," Says grandpa."Then go fuck yourself!"

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute." "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "I'm going to the doctor." She says, "Why, are you sick?" He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff." Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat. He says, "Where the hell are you going"? She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too." He says, "Why, what do you need?" She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

The Duct Tape Incident

Contrary to popular opinion, duct tape IS NOT good for fixing everything!:

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show". "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face."

How they have sex:

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

ACTORS do it on cue.

ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.

AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.

ANSI does it in the standard way

ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.

ARCHITECTS have great plans.

ARTISTS are exhibitionists.

ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.

ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.

ATTORNEYS make better motions.

AUDITORS like to examine figures.

BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.

BAILIFFS always come to order.

BAKERS knead it daily.

BAND MEMBERS play all night.

BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.

BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.

BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.

BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.

BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.

BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.

BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.

BEER DRINKERS get more head.

BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.

BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.

BOSSES delegate the task to others.

BOWLERS have bigger balls.

BRICKLAYERS lay all day.

BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.

BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.

BUTCHERS have better meat.

C'Bers do it on the air.

CAMPERS do it in a tent.

CARPENTERS hammer it harder.

CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.

CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.

CHEMISTS like to experiment.

CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.

CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.

CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.

CLOWNS do it for laughs.

COACHES whistle while they work.

COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.

COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.

COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.

COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.

CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.

COPS have bigger guns.

COWBOYS handle anything horny.

COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.

CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.

CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.

DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.

DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.

DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.

DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.

DENTISTS do it in your mouth.

DETECTIVES do it under cover.

DIETICIANS eat better.

DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.

DIVERS do it deeper.

DOCTORS do it with patience.

DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.

DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.

DRY WALLER'S are better bangers.

ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.

ENGINEERS charge by the hour.

EXECUTIVES have large staffs.

FARMERS spread it around.

FIREMEN are always in heat.

FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.

FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.

FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.

FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.

GARBAGE MEN come once a week.

GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.

GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.

GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.

GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.

GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.

HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.

HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.

HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.

HANDYMEN like good screws.

HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.

HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.

HUNTERS do it with a bang.

INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.

INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.

INVENTORS find a way.

JANITORS clean up afterwards.

JEWELERS mount real gems.

JOGGERS do it on the run.

LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.

LAWYERS do it in their briefs.

LIBRARIANS do it quietly.

LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.

LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.

MACHINISTS make the best screws.

MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.

MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.

MANAGERS supervise others.

MARKETING REPs do it on commission.

MILKMEN deliver twice a week.

MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.

MINERS sink deeper shafts.

MINISTERS do it on Sundays.

MISSILE MEN have better thrust.

MODELS do it in any position.

MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.

MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.

MOVIE STARS do it on film.

MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.

NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.

NURSES call the shots.

OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.

OPERATORS do it person-to-person.

OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.

PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.

PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.

PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.

PILOTS keep it up longer.

PLUMBERS do it under the sink.

POLICEMEN like big busts.

POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.

POSTMEN come slower.

PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.

PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.

PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.

PROFESSORS do it by the book.

RACERS like to come in first.

RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall..

RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.

REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.

RECYCLERS use it again.

REPAIRMEN can fix anything.

REPORTERS do it daily.

RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.

RETAILERS move their merchandise.

ROOFERS do it on top.

RUNNERS get into more pants.

SAILORS like to be blown.

SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.

SCIENTISTS discovered it.

SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.

SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.

SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.

SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.

SPELUNKERS do it underground.

SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.

STEWARDESSES do it in the air.

STUDENTS use their heads.

SURGEONS are smooth operators.

TAILORS make it fit.

TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.

TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.

TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.

TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.

TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.

TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.

TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.

TYPISTS do it in triplicate.

VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.

VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.

WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.

WATER SKIERS come down harder.

WELDERS have hotter rods.

WRESTLERS know the best holds.

WRITERS have novel ways.

ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.