Life would be SO EASY if everyone READ THE MANUAL.
What happens if you go on a survival course,
and you do not pass?
Do pilots take crash courses?
What happens if you forget Memorial Day?
What purpose do zebra crossings serve in Africa?
Do people go to work on Labor Day?
Can you have a fight night on Boxing Day?
Is "liposuction" another word for "blowjob"?
Can you cash a check on a bank holiday?
IMPORTANT NOTICE
You may have noticed the
increased amount of notices for
you to notice. Some of our notices
have not been noticed. This is
very noticeable. It has been
noticed that the responses to the
notices have been noticeably
unnoticed. This notice is to
remind you to notice the notices
and respond to the notices,
because we do not want the
notices to go unnoticed.
There is no off position on the genius switch.
If it's raining in November, for sure Christmas will be in December.
The sun shines for free. Unfortunately not every day.
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
Tennis is the only game where love means nothing.
For every 60 seconds of anger, you lose one minute of happiness.
Behind every successful man there is a woman with nothing to wear.
Man found dead with several sets of locomotive wheel-marks across him. The Police believe he died of Repetative Train Injury!
EVER WONDER......
...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
...why doctors call what they do "practice"?
...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows?
..why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?
...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
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Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
"Being president is like running a cemetery: You've got a lot of people under you, and nobody's listening."
Senile: What elderly tourists do in Egypt.
No Bell Prize: Awarded to a school whose bell didn't ring.
Facts and figures never lie (unless they are wrong).
Just remember . . .if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off!
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Men are always right; and women are never wrong.....
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine".
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
What did the number zero say to the number eight? Nice belt.
Stereotype: Sound system that writes letters.
"It would be nice if we could all pay our taxes with a smile, but normally cash is required."
"Two years ago it was impossible to get through on the phone to the IRS. Now it's just hard to get through. That's progress."
Our local caterer has a dilemma. He was hired to do a dinner for the State Schizophrenics Association. They sent invites to 300 members. 175 replied that they couldn't make it... ...and 250 replied that they could.
I donīt need a camera, I have a photographic memory.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
A bike can't stand alone because it is two-tyred.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered. Tragically, his mate fell into a vat of varnish. He died, but he had a beautiful finish.
Many people break into song because they can't find the key.
When you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Anyone who jumps off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
One of my students says that he is from the United Arab Emirates, but I think it is a Dubaious claim.
Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
From time to time you have to act crazy in order not to become it...
It's okay to talk to yourself, but you should start to worry if you begin to answer back.
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
If it ain't broken yet, it might be foolproof for a while.
I was self employed but I got discharged for sleeping on the job.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, It's a pretty good empty experience.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
I was married by a judge. I should've asked for a jury."
A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple.
My husband and I have figured out a really good system about the housework: neither one of us does it.
Marriage always demands the finest arts of insincerity possible between two human beings.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
Some can trace their family back 300 years, but can't tell you where their children are tonight.
The most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
Today, it takes more brains and effort to make out the income-tax form than it does to make the income.
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow, sleep late.
Who's the bigger liars, men or women? Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies.
"If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?"
All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
Sign at child's eye level in the window of a toy shop: "If You See What You Want, Tell Grandma!"
The bathroom is the only place I can go and not forget why I went.
Silence is often misinterpreted but never misquoted.
To make a long story short, don't tell it.
Don't live in the past; you've already been there.
If you are not living on the edge, you take up too much room.
The real trouble with money is you can't use it more than once.
If you make ends meet, aren't you just going around in circles?
Weather forecast for tonight: Dark.
For older Americans, an eye pod is a cataract.
Flirtation: Attention without intention.
Few children fear water, unless soap is added.
Never eat more than you can lift.
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
There's one good thing about being wrong. It brings joy to others.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
I think I've got the bird flu. I've been using fowl language.
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
Laugh every day, it's like inner jogging.
A smile is a powerful weapon; you can even break ice with it.
No wonder there are often quarrels between generations. The young and old know all the answers and those inbetween are stuck with the questions.
Therapy is expensive, bubble wrap is cheap...you choose.
People don't waste time. They just spend it on things they don't need.
In places of delight, there are no clocks.
Sometimes I just can't prevent clean thoughts from entering my mind.
A tattoo is a permanent reminder of temporary insanity.
Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.
If we made it illegal, do you think more people would vote?
In Los Angeles, you have to have breast implants. And an A-cup entitles you to park in a handicapped spot.
Hawaii has the same weather all year 'round. Wonder how their conversations start?
People who watch reality shows have nothing better to do than sit and watch people who have nothing better to do.
If it ain't broken yet, it might be foolproof for a while.
Experience is the hardest kind of teacher. It gives you the test first, and the lesson afterward.
No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong.
You laugh because I'm different, I laugh because you're all the same.
This website may not be idiot proof but at least its dimwit resisant.
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less.
"If you cannot read this, please ask the flight attendant for assistance." (United Airlines Flight Safety Brochure)
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
Arrogant and right is surely better than humble and wrong.
I can resist everything except temptation.
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are driving taxi cabs and cutting hair.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Make it idiotproof and someone will make a better idiot.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
An optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears this is true.
There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes it comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
A quark is the noise made by an educated duck.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
"So, do you live around here often?"
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
The function of socialism is to raise suffering to a higher level.
73% of Americans say that immigration is a serious problem. The other 27% said, 'No habla ingles'.
A critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the car.
What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.
A lawyer is someone who writes an eighty-page document and calls it a brief!
The difference between gossip and news is whether you hear it or tell it.
Since love and fear can hardly exist together, if we must choose between them, it is far safer to be feared than loved.
Things always look better when you can't see them.
They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Some people have all the commitment of a kamikaze pilot on his tenth mission.
If you want the last word in an argument, say, "You're right."
It's nice to be remembered, but it's safer to be forgotten.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody who knew it would.
Experience is the hardest kind of teacher. It gives you the test first, and the lesson afterward.
Some people who yearn for endless life don't know what to do with a rainy afternoon.
If you can't change your mind, are you shure you still have one?
Don't believe everything you think.
Never go to bed angry! Stay up and plot your revenge.
I am ready to listen. Are you ready to think?
Live spelled backwards is............evil.
There are more airplanes in the oceans than there are submarines in the sky.
There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity.
The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing.....if you can fake that, you've got it made.
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.
Sign in a loan company window: "Now you can borrow enough money to get completely out of debt."
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.
I think it's wrong that the game Monopoly is made by only one company.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I mix my water myself—two parts H and one part O.
The worst thing about history is that, every time it repeats itself . . . the price goes up.
I've been counting calories for six months now. I don't know about my figure but, my arithmetic's improving.
A vacation is a two-week-long experience where money and time race against each other, until both are totally exhausted.
They're not really fixing the streets. They're just moving the holes so that motorists can't memorize them.
There is never a right way to do the wrong thing.
The birds, chipmunks and rabbits in my yard are nature. Your cat in my garden is history.
When you aim for perfection you discover it is a moving target
We want all machines to be perfect, with the exception of the bathroom scale.
It's easy enough to spot the winners. They're the ones not complaining about the rules.
A great actor can bring tears to our eyes. But then, so can an auto mechanic.
To make a long story short, there's nothing like the boss walking in.
Foresight is knowing when to shut your mouth before someone suggests it.
Scars are tattoos with better stories.
Nobody who is somebody looks down on anybody.
Fight prime time, read a book.
A pedestrian is a man whose son is home from college.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee-maker.
Give me the first six years of a child's life and you can have the rest.
If you understand something today, it must be obsolete.
If brains were taxed, my spouse would get a rebate.
Statistics are just like mini-skirts, they give you good ideas but hide the most important thing.
When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.
It took a genius to develop an aspirin bottle that couldn't be opened by a child capable of operating a VCR.
After divorce, most men realize that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with an astounding financial loss.
Solar and wind power are not considered serious alternative energy sources because politicians have not figured out a way to tax what is otherwise free.
Love will find a way. Indifference will find an excuse.
If the world is getting smaller how come they raised the postal rates?
We have to believe in free will. We have no choice.
Everybody is ignorant, just on different subjects.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.
Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
The days of the digital watch are numbered.
Computers can never replace human stupidity.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody has.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
A computer is almost human - except that it does not blame its mistakes on another computer.
You are making progress . . . if each mistake is a new one.
There are two types of roads in our country. One is under construction and the other is under repair.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.
The reason Las Vegas is so crowded is that no one has the plane fare to leave.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
An escalator never breaks . . . it only becomes stairs.
When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
What will today's younger generation tell their children they had to do "without"?
If you're doing the speed limit, you're in the way.
Bumper Sticker: Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you.
Today is the last day of your life, so far.
People never grow up; they just learn how to act in public.
One half of the world will never understand the other half and it doesn't matter which half you're in.
Aren't all father mother-fuckers?
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons.
Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.
A statesman is a successful politician who is dead.
A patient man is one who can put up with himself.
Love. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
You never have enough time, money, or memory.
A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes.
I'm teaching my kids real world skills - shoplifting and streetwalking.
My kids make mistakes because they were mistakes.
Career, golf game, porn, my family... I have my priorities straight!
Do not insult, degrade or humiliate my children! That's my job.
When I was younger, I wanted to be a paratrooper, but I was allergic to parrots.
I want to have a sex change operation. I want to change from 'none' to 'a lot'.
Life is simple: you're born, you die. It's the stuff in between that tells you if it was worth the simplicity.
Women speak two languages, one of which is verbal.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambitiion.
Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them but I would't want to own one.
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An onion a day should take care of everyone else.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" " Well, It's Not Unusual."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
People who are willing to get off their behinds to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.
If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
A person needs only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.
With proper diet, rest, and exercise a healthy body will last a lifetime.
If you're yearning for the good old days, just turn off the air conditioning.
The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are the neighbors.
After paying for the wedding, the bride is the only thing the father has left to give away.
Some things that cost $5 to buy several years ago now costs $10 just to repair.
If you can laugh at yourself, you will always be amused.
If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
If you don't like my standards of cooking. Lower your standards.
I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
My house doesn't always look like this. Some days it's even worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
Help keep the kitchen clean. EAT OUT.
A balanced diet is dark chocolate in one hand and white chocolate in the other.
If some people said what they thought, they'd be speechless.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity....
Among the most effective labor-saving devices is the neighbor who hasn't returned your garden tools.
The only thing you have to do is breathe; Everything else is just optional.
People spend their health for wealth . . . then spend their wealth for health.
Never interrupt your opponent while he is making a mistake,
Always buy a good bed and a good pair of shoes. When you're not in one, you'll be in the other.
One half of the world will never understand the other half and it doesn't matter which half you're in.
To be successful, live by the "postage stamp" philosophy......stick to one thing until you get there.
Marriage is like a tourniquet; it stops your circulation.
There's at least one fool in every married couple.
Shortly after buying a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labor, they go straight into management.
One of today's problems is that everybody is fixing the blame and nobody is fixing the trouble.
I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.
A doctor with no patience is a doctor with no patients.
A person that learns from their mistakes is smart. A person that learns from other people's mistakes is smarter.
Why be difficult? Put some effort in and be impossible.
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.
The more you say, the less people remember.
98% of the time I am right. Why worry about the other 3%.
With proper diet, rest, and exercise a healthy body will last a lifetime.
Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.
The measure of success is not how much money you have in the bank, but rather how much money the bank will lend you.
Everything on land is within walking distance.
You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its neck.
No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store.
The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can't hold it.
The road to success is marked with many tempting parking places
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
Anyone who starts a sentence "With all due respect..." is about to insult you.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have any film.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me...you can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Some days are a total waste of makeup.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
If the shoe fits......buy a pair in every color.
Never be too open minded, your brains could fall out.
If it ain't broken yet, it might be foolproof for a while.
I can fix anything. Where's the Duct Tape?
I'm Not Fat, I'm Just Fluffy.
Beauty is only a light switch away.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
Next time you think you're so smart, try walking on water.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.
Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit.
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers.
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
If you can laugh at yourself, you will always be amused.
An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
Live every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right.
Oil, like wood, must be full of air because it floats on water.
The oceans are salty because the heat from the sun makes the Earth sweat, and everyone knows that sweat is salty.
Women should not have children
after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am
perfect.
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been
giving me lately!
No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team
is winning.
I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT
TIME IS 18"
"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many
dead rabbits on the highway?"
Why do we choose from just two people for president and 50 for
Miss America?"
Ever notice that people who
spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always
complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong
nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see
naked?
I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal
point involved.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage
disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people
in this world.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years .... then we met.
Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens
to you anyway.
I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.
Sign in pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
I see your IQ test results were negative.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them
get elected.
Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them
while driving.
When I was younger, I wanted to be a paratrooper, but I was allergic to parrots.
I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle-baby.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
If a thing is worth doing, It would have been done already.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
Is there another word for synonym?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Where there's a will..I want to be in it.
Women like silent men; they think they're listening.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ... or something like that.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else.
5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Did a Little Shopping.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.
Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Out of my mind... Back in five minutes.
God must love stupid people...He made SO many.
I said "NO" to drugs, but they didn't listen.
Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that's where you get shitty ideas from.
If it's there and you can see it - it's real.
If it's not there and you can see it - it's virtual.
If it's there and you can't see it - it's transparent.
If it's not there and you can't see it - you erased it!
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
It's easier to build a child than repair an adult.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.
Just remember: If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.
Steak and sex are two of my favorite things. I have them both the same way... very rare.
What do you call a lonely fisherman? A Master-Baiter.
Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.
The hands that help are better far than the lips that pray.
What is moral is what you feel good after.
What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women nuts? ......Money.
---
Physical exercise is good for you. We know that
we should do it daily, but
our bodies don't want us to do too much, so here's a program of
strenuous
activities that do not require physical exercise.
You may use this program without charge.
01) Beating around the bush
02) Jumping to conclusions
03) Climbing the walls
04) Swallowing your pride
05) Passing the buck
06) Throwing your weight around
07) Dragging your heels
08) Pushing your luck
09) Making mountains out of molehills
10) Hitting the nail on the head
11) Wading through paperwork
12) Bending over backwards
13) Jumping on the bandwagon
14) Balancing the books
15) Running around in circles
16) Eating crow
17) Tooting your own horn
18) Climbing the ladder of success
19) Pulling out all the stops
20) Adding fuel to the fire
21) Opening a can of worms
22) Putting your foot in your mouth
23) Starting the ball rolling
24) Going over the edge
25) Picking up the pieces
Whew! That's a workout! Now sit down and
26) Exercise caution.
---
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Never mistake motion for action.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America... The rest cheat in Europe.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Ah, yes, divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad.
Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel.
I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
I'm the only man in the world with a marriage license made out to whom it may concern.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
You don't love a woman because she's beautiful, but she's beautiful because you love her.
A quark is the noise made by an educated duck.
Hebrew: What a male beer maker did.
Dogmatic: Dog who operates the washing machine.
Car acting funny? Check the nut behind the wheel!
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then it was too late..."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go Through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy: "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.
Do married people live longer than single ones, or does it only seem longer?
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
Humour to a man is like a feather pillow. It is filled with what is easy to get but gives great comfort.
I've started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
If your feet smell and your nose runs - you're built upside down.
I lost twenty pounds. Unfortunately, I was in England at the time.
SMILES FROM THE BIBLE
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany? A. German Shepherds. Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation. Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet. Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord. Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A. Samson. He brought the house down. Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? A. Your mother ate us out of house and home. Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once. Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing. Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible? A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep. Q. Which Bible character had no parents? A. Joshua, son of Nun. Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark? A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. P.S. Did you know it's wrong for the woman to make coffee? Yup, it's in the Bible: "Hebrews."
---
Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out.
Your grandchildren will likely find it incredible -- or even sinful -- that you burned up a gallon of gasoline to fetch a pack of cigarettes!
Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk.The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
Sex manual: IN - OUT - REPEAT.
I have no problem keeping secrets. It's the people I tell...
Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who scratch bum should not bite fingernails.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
No single raindrop believes it is to blame for the flood.
Ignorance may be curable, but stupidity is a permanent condition.
The next time you shave, could you stand a little closer to the razor?
I heard you went to have your head examined, but the doctors found nothing there.
Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm.
We think of you when we are lonely. Then we are content to be alone.
Nuns: Women who marry God. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?
Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands, but English women only hope to find in their butlers.
Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.
A mistress is something between a mister and a mattress.
You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.
Excuses are like bodies; everybody has one!
Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.
Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
Experiment and theory often show remarkable agreement when performed in the same laboratory.
Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way.
Fact without theory is trivia; theory without fact is garbage.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Anarchy is better than no government at all.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
Why do we send cargo by ship, and shipments by car?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
You can't have everything, where would you put it? Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Being rich and it don't mean so much . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac!
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I've only been jogging once and feel ten years older already...
Only two things are necessary for a man to do to keep his wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
She confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had ten children but she doesn't really care.
The biggest sellers in the bookstores are cookbooks. The second biggest seller is diet books about not eating what you've just learned how to cook.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Never break the silence unless you can improve it.
A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away.
Families are like fudge....mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
There is always alot to be thankful for if you take the time to look. For example: I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
=: SIGNS :=
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
At a Proctologist's door "To expedite your visit please back in."
On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a Non Smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you ! are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an Optometrist's Office "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station, "Thank heaven for little grills."
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak}
---
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Where there's a will...I want to be on it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill it.
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Computers, televisions, and most other small household electric appliances actually run, not on electricity, but on smoke. We know this because when the smoke escapes, they quit working.
No sleep, no dreams.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Has anyone ever heard of a self-made failure?
Have you flogged your crew today?
He who beats his sword into a plowshare usually ends up plowing for those who kept their swords.
He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
He who dies with the most toys, wins.
He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.
He who hesitates is probably right.
He who pulls the oars does not have time to rock the boat.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
I don't care if the world ends today, I wasn't invited to it anyway.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.
Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
For every complex problem there is a simple solution that does not work!
Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself.
I'll never forget the first time we met -- although, I'll keep trying.
When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I'll say it was your stupidity.
Well, I'll see you in my dreams -- if I eat too much.
My stepfather Ernie's sister Ruth died January 25. He is now Ruthless.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
What is the Guillotine? A French chopping centre.
The penalty for jumping off a building is death.
Happiness is the state of minimum regret.
The difference between genius and stupidy, is that genius has its limits.
They say I'm antisocial. It's no wonder I don't like anybody.
Creditors have better memory than debtors.
The man that makes no mistake, is usually the man who does nothing.
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored
In my house, I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker
Life is like a slow soap opera without commercials.
You're only as old as you feel . . . the next day.
Behavior is the mirror in which everyone shows their image.
Don't cry over today . . . tomorrow could be worse.
Virtue is it's own punishment.
Onion breath is only a problem for others.
No job is so simple that it can't be done wrong.
If a man wants his dreams to come true, he must wake up.
You're nobody's fool. Let's see if we can get someone to adopt you.
They say no woman ever made a fool out of you. So who did?
You're very smart. You have brains you never used.
You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
What would we have called the color orange if it wasn't a fruit?
If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
There are more ways to do something wrong than there are to do it correctly.
The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.
A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor.
RAM DISK is not an installation procedure!
When you have a choice between stupidity and ignorance, pick ignorance. It's curable.
Don't be so concerned with your rights that you forget your manners.
Anything with teeth . . . will bite.
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
Everyone has a photographic memory. But some folks don't have film.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so what Chinese mothers use? Perhaps toothpicks?
What happens to the holes when all the cheese has been eaten?
Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn't it be easier to just hire taller dancers?
How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes froze the end of my nose.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is the word big so little and the word little so big?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs.
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Strange! No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
Does killing time damage eternity?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
The severity of the itch is proportional to inability to the reach it.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
Luck has a strange and annoying habit of favoring those who do not depend on it.
Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building? Yes - a building can't jump at all.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
Every man is a damned fool for at least five minutes every day. Wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.
I know a teenage girl who has been trying to run away from home for a year but every time she gets to the front door the phone rings.
What did the cannibal say as he ate the explorer? Doctor Livingstone I consume!
I'm not offended by all the dumb-blonde jokes, because I know I'm not dumb. And I also know that I'm not blonde.
A prosperous Fool is a grievous burden.
Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Why is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead?"
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Get the last word in: Apologize.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use The Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
The fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
The Taliban can do many things, but they can't take away Hollywood's creativity. Only the [television] network executives can do that.
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
Time is the best teacher...unfortunately, it eventually kills all its students.
It is better to have loved and lost, than marry a woman you can't defrost.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
People who are happy at work obviously don't have enough to do.
Having been raised on CD's, I asked my hippie uncle how records were in the old days. He said, "Groovy."
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
I tried phone sex once. I got an ear infection.
Too fucking busy, and vice versa.
Masturbation: Shaking hands with the unemployed.
I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
I once made love for an hour and five minutes. It was on the day you push the clocks ahead.
I know nothing about sex because I was always married.
Sex is more exciting on the screen and between the pages than between the sheets.
Ducking for apples; change one letter and it's the story of my life.
For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.
Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.
I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.
Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the same time.
That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
She's been on more laps than a napkin.
I'm always looking for meaningful one-night stands.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
There are a number of mechanical devices whichincrease sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
Women might be able to fake orgasms.But men can fake a whole relationship.
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms.They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
Good sense about trivialities is better than nonsense about things that matter.
Youth is the gift of nature but age is a work of art.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
For every person with a spark of genius, there are a hundred with ignition trouble.
I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe somebody can adopt you.
Any time someone says to me, "I'll be honest with you," I always think, "So you've been lying to me up until now."
A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you." . . so I didn't.
Observe your dog; if he's fat, you're not getting enough exercise.
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant]
The following
quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by
physicians:
*By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he
was feeling better.
*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a
year.
*On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it
had completely disappeared.
*The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in
1983.
*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears
to be depressed.
*Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
*Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally
alert but forgetful.
*The patient refused an autopsy.
*The patient has no past history of suicides.
*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
*Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
*The patient's past medical history has been remarkably
insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past
three days.
*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
directions in early December.
*Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady
pregnant.
*The patient was in his usual state of good health until his
airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
*She is numb from her toes down.
*The skin was moist and dry.
*Patient was alert and unresponsive.
*When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
---
I come form a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter... I was raised to give up.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
I used to watch golf on TV during the weekend but my doctor told me I needed more exercise . . . so now I watch tennis.
The four major food groups: dine-in, take-out, drive-through and delivery.
Advice to teen-agers: Straighten up your room first..... then the world.
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
I am not young enough to know everything.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
It is good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.
Life is too important to be taken seriously.
The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.
Bumper Sticker on plumbers van: In my business, a flush beats a full house!
The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy.
Four things I'd been better without: love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
Ads are the cave art of the 20th century.
Algebra was easy for the Romans because "X" was always 10.
I used to have a photographic memory, but it was never developed.
Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of all money?
Money is only a tool. It will take you wherever you wish, but it will not replace you as the driver.
Contradictions do not exist. Whenever you think you are facing a contradiction, check your premises. You will find that one of them is wrong.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
Personal ad: TOTALLY INSENSITIVE MAN looking for totally uncaring woman for meaningless relationship...
Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain ..... and most fools do.
To make a long story short, don't tell it.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
He who angers you, controls you!
People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!
QUESTION: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? ANSWER: To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.
The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
He has all the characteristics of a dog except the loyalty.
The best armor is to keep out of range.
Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. Anonymous.
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Good girls go to heaven... but bad girls go everywhere!
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
The shortest distance between two points is always under construction.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Wherever there is authority, there is a natural inclination to disobedience.
If evolution really works, how come Mothers only have two hands?
Marriages are made in heaven. But, again, so are thunder, lightning, tornados and hail.
Some girls ask the boss for advances on next week's salary. Others ask for salary on next week's advances.
43% of all statistics are worthless.
Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, nature immediately comes up with a better mouse.
Spelling problems? Use 'error-correcting' modems!
Foolproof systems don't take into account the ingenuity of fools.
The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
I wanted to live the simple life, but figuring it out proved too complex.
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?
Ever notice how the most often quoted person is 'Anon.'?
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Art is making something out of nothing and selling it.
Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.
Men with money to burn have started many a girl playing with fire.
I couldn't reduce my bills even if I put them on microfilm.
It took less time to take Iraq than it took to count votes in Florida in the year 2000.
Always imitate the behavior of winners when you lose.
When building a staircase, it is important to watch your step.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a Hole in One.
Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.
If you have five seconds to spare, then I'll tell you the story of my life.
Punctuality is the virtue of the bored.
The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault.
CAREFUL DRIVER: One who looks in both directions when he passes a red light.
The Easter Bunny has the right idea: Visit people once a year.
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
I've had great success being a total idiot.
Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't - you're right.
It's better to be poor than to be rich. The rich always have to fear becoming poor, but the poor never have to fear becoming rich.
Mother to adult daughter: "Men are only after one thing -- the TV remote."
Woman to husband at breakfast table: "It sure is easier to get Junior up for school since he got his nose ring.
My mind is now so crowded with valuable information that I can't think.
Children have never been good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
Elevators smell different to midget.
It's not what happens to people that's important. It's what they do about it.
Don't just learn the tricks of the trade. Learn the trade.
Behind every successful woman...... is a substantial amount of coffee.
Behind every successful woman...... is a basket of dirty laundry.
To every disadvantage there is a corresponding advantage.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
You never get tired if you rest a lot in advance.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
The truth is more important than the facts.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
Love May Be Blind, But Marriage Is a Real Eye Opener
Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture.
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.
A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your successes.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
A professional is someone who can do his best work when he doesn't feel like it.
Did you ever notice that if you take the two words - "The" and "IRS" it spells "Theirs"?
Income tax returns: the most imaginative fiction written today.
Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.
A picture is worth a thousand words...and uses up a thousand times the memory.
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
The four stages of man are infancy, childhood, adolescence, and obsolescence.
An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
The world is divided into people who do things--and people who get the credit.
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Illiterate? Write today for free help!
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know why those doctors were wearing masks.
She's got that 'chewing gum' walk: very Wrigley!
If you can't see a light at the end of the tunnel, you're in the wrong tunnel.
My first wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't!
I can resist everything except temptation.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
One of the best ways of avoiding necessary and even urgent tasks is to seem to be busily employed on things that are already done.
I've given up sex, again and again and again and again....
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. God.
If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash knees, what do gynecologists get? Tunnel vision.
Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while.
War doesn't determine who's right - just who's left.
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
The only imaginative fiction being written today is income tax returns.
The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and the rest willing to let them.
They say money can't buy friends. OK. Can I rent them then?
Money can't buy you true love either. It does however put ya in a good bargaining position.
These days money is the stuff you use when all of your credit cards are maxed-out.
I've got enough money saved for the rest of my life. Well... unless I want to buy something.
As for money buying happiness, do you really think a guy with 250 million is any happier at all than a guy with only 240 million?
Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
Did you ever stop to think and forget to start again?
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property."
Middle age is when you're faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by nine o'clock.
Electric clocks reveal to you precisely when your fuses blew.
Advice is like snow -- the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper in sinks into the mind.
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
Old age ain't no place for sissies.
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss...and they called ME slow!
Behind every successful woman...is a substantial amount of coffee.
If you have it [love], you don't need to have anything else. If you don't have it, it doesn't matter much what else you do have.
Have you any idea how many kids it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, "What light?" and two more to say, "I didn't turn it on."
The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.
This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them.
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
God must love stupid people. He made so many.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
The Concorde was great. It travels at twice the speed of sound. Which is fun except you can't hear the movie until two hours after you land.
How do you get your husband interested in oral sex? Douche with beer.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
The whole motivation for any performer is: 'Look at me, Ma.'
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. And inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Would you like to hear the pencil joke? Well, it's pointless.
Nurse: How is the girl who swallowed the quarter? Doctor: No change yet!
Why couldn't the pony talk? He was a little horse.
What happens when a clown has flatulency? It smells funny.